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Thread: On the fence

  1. #21
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    PixieWings's: Amused

    Default Re: On the fence

    Quote Originally Posted by Saskatchewanian View Post
    I don't think that asking for time together before you decide to uproot your entire life is out of line.
    When I told Dreamboat about that plan he thought it was a good one. It gives us time to get the physical (not just sexual but actually being around each other) connection that we don't have now and gives me time to get acquainted with Oregon and see what my life will be like.

    I think if you express it again as a comfort thing and maybe not as a "I need to decide if we're going to be together or not". I know I want to be with the Boat and presumably you know you want to be with J. It's not about whether or not you love him and want a life together as much as it is about having time before you make a major life decision and give up the entire life you've established for a completely different one. (Or at least for me, that's what it is)
    I was thinking about writing him a letter today when i got in from work, explaining myself and just telling him how i feel about things, not be cold and not be like we need to decide the rest of our lives this moment. And you are right, for me it's not about loving him or not loving him...i don't have a problem moving...but it would be nice if we could have US time first, so make sure we click, not just sexually, but everything..i may have a little habit that drives him nuts...and he may do something like tap his fingers all that time, and yeah i so dislike that...i don't know, maybe he is acting cold because he is thinking something i'm not and just is not sharing. Only time will tell..i'm just kind of taken back for him to write cold when he never has before...we have had disagreements, in the past...but he has never been cold.

  2. #22
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Neither here nor there
    februarymoon's: In Love

    Default Re: On the fence

    I'd cut him some slack. He's probably just talking in general terms. He has a lot of time left to do, had never lived as an adult outside of a lock-up and has a long list of things he wants to do. My man talks like this sometimes. "When I get out I want to go here, eat this, buy that, build a house there". I don't feel that he is excluding me. He has a long time left to do and he isn't yet making concrete plans of exactly what he and I will do, where we will live, what he will cook on Wednesday nights, etc. it's too early for that and things will change between now and then anyway. Right now my man has a thing about getting a red car when he's out. Who knows? Several years down the line he might change his mind and decide a black car is what he wants.

    My penpal, on the other hand, gets out in a year. He is making very concrete plans. He asked me by JPay the other day whether I thought an iPhone was better than a Samsung phone. He has been browsing the used car ads in a newspaper that a neighbour gets and working out how much he will need to save to put a down payment on a car. He also asked me look into the locations of goodwill and charity places where he might be able to get some furniture and things to start out with before he can afford to buy new ones.

    I don't worry that my man isn't at the stage of picking furniture yet or asking me what colour scheme I want for the living room. That will come in time.

    Just be happy he is making future plans and not resigning himself to a life of failure and rejection. It's very easy in prison to get down-hearted about the future. Encourage his plans, even if they don't seem to include you. He might even be kind of testing you to see how you react to his plans. If my man says "when I get out I want to go to Brazil" I don't say "what? Without me?" I say "that sounds cool. So-and-so went there and had the best time ever. I've heard the food/beaches/landscapes there are amazing".

  3. #23
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    PixieWings's: Amused

    Default Re: On the fence

    Thanks everyone. Before i asked the question i was thinking i needed to step back and really look at everything, but i really wanted to hear other opinions, and everyone seems to have the same ideals as me, I'm going to cut down in my writing and just match what he write, because at times i'll mail him a letter every day and i may get 2 a week back, so i think he is a bit spoiled on the whole i'm going to out write him on everything. So for a little while i'm just going to write when he writes and really look at the tone of everything, because i think i've been so lost in the ideal of starting a new life and getting things ready for that, than to really see if we can actually ride the time together...I don't always like the ideal of being in an open relationship..but it's really about trust at the end of the day. Since i actually decided to quit my second job for now, and only work40 hours a week instead of 60-80 a week, it will give me more time to honestly see everything that is happening, and not get so stressed out due to lack of time, and just feeling rushed. Because i think i'm creating problems in my head that are not even there because i'm misreading things and not really taking the time to think about everything that is being wrote.
    Thank you again for all your advice it really helped me.

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