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Thread: Too much?

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Mar 2018
    Location
    United Kingdom
    Posts
    3

    Default Too much?

    Hi,
    I'd been writing to two PPs for about 9 months but one doesn't write so much now because his other PP became his girlfriend, which I completely understand but I miss his letters as we had built quite a rapport. The other likes me to see his art and writing, but isn't too interested in talking and doesn't seem to enjoy my humour but of course I still write.
    Anyway, I took on a third penpal recently and we started emailing in Jpay daily, which is so different to snail mail! It's sort of easy to forget he's in prison when you get such quick replies. After a month he asks to call me, and I have a US number local to him as I have family in Spokane so it doesn't cost him a fortune. He calls me a few times a week now as well as emailing, he refuses any kind of money towards the calls. I enjoy talking to him so much and we never shut up on the phone, we've always got something to talk about. I'm just worried that it's too much, too fast and it might end up messy? I'm certainly not looking for an international prison romance, and there's not any obvious flirting from either side but is there such thing as being too friendly? Should I slowly step back a little?

    Jeez, I waffle on a lot, sorry for the essay!

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Nov 2017
    Location
    USA
    Posts
    16

    Default Re: Too much?

    Honestly, I don't understand how you're concerned from what you've told us, that you and he could be headed for romance?. It seems that you're communicating like friends do, my pp's and I have the same sort of friendly bantering by snail mail and phone calls, telling each other things we'd not tell others.
    Of course it goes without saying that we never ever speak of our other pp's to each other. For me, a relationship with any of them or other inmates isn't an option. I don't want my life on hold so to speak. The only way I would do that is if it were someone I'm in a relationship with out here before prison. Even then it wouldn't be something I'd automatically go through with.
    If it were to turn romantic you should think long and hard about how drastically your life will change, possibly for the rest of your life. btw.. enjoy it and go with the flow..until the flow isn't enjoyable to you anymore ;-)

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Mar 2018
    Location
    United Kingdom
    Posts
    3

    Default Re: Too much?

    Thank you for your thoughts. I think that maybe this time is just so different in comparison to my other two PPs and
    I'm not as open with my few real life friends so it's sort of alien to me. I don't talk about my PPs to each other or with anyone in real life. Maybe I just needed reassuring that it's 'normal' to really connect with someone so well and no boundaries have necessarily been overstepped. I'll put stop to my worrying over a non existent problem and just go back to enjoying my new found friendship!

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jan 2018
    Location
    Germany
    Posts
    226
    Kirsten's: Curious

    Default Re: Too much?

    Quote Originally Posted by SuperNovaUK View Post
    I'm not as open with my few real life friends so it's sort of alien to me. I don't talk about my PPs to each other or with anyone in real life. Maybe I just needed reassuring that it's 'normal' to really connect with someone so well
    Depends on what is "normal" for you. For some people it seems to be easier to open up to someone they do not see or do not know otherwise.
    It's up to you what you tell people about yourself, whether someone is being imprisoned or not.
    As for being "too much too fast" , may be yes, may be no. Again, it depends.
    I had a very close friend for ten years in real life and we started talking about pretty personal stuff very soon after we got to know each other. It still did not prevent that at a certain point our lives took different directions and we're no longer in contact any more.
    Some people come into your life and stay for a lifetime, some come in and stay for a while, some just pass by. You never know.
    Enjoy what you have, don't rush and don't worry. Contacts that are not put under pressure usually develop in some sort of "organic" sense.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Feb 2018
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    45

    Default Re: Too much?

    I am a great believer in letting things go where they need to go! I never thought for a moment I would ever be more than a pen pal! I was in a relationship when I started writing but when that relationship broke down I became romantically involved with my penpal. It wasn’t planned but we developed feelings for each other. I thought long and hard before I made a commitment to be exclusive with him. I knew it wasn’t something I could ‘play with’ and change my mind. He relies on me. He had other penpals before me that were literally penpal friendships. And I wrote to 3..... it’s international, it’s complicated but I actually feel more settled in this relationship than any other. We both give each other what we need. We email between 3 and 6 times a day on average and talk on the phone. I know more about him than any of my out here relationships. We do plan to have a life together when he gets out. We know it won’t be easy but it’s what we both hope for and are aiming to achieve. Live to dream! And I wouldn’t have it any other way!

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Mar 2018
    Location
    United Kingdom
    Posts
    70

    Default Re: Too much?

    I tend to agree with Kyla. Just go with the flow. We tend to overthink which complicates things that don't need to be complicated.
    Also love this line from Kirsten - Some people come into your life and stay for a lifetime, some come in and stay for a while, some just pass by. You never know.
    Do what feels right for you!

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Mar 2018
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    188
    Sunnysideup's: Fine

    Default Re: Too much?

    I think we all "go with the flow"...over thinking perhaps comes in when a change occurs or we suddenly realise we are not on the same page, for whatever reason.

    All relationships have the ability to bring joy or negative emotions.

    No, you never know if someone is going to stay, but as humans we go into a relationship with hope, with expectations, whether we acknowledge them or not. Friendships that end can be as devastating as any romantic relationship ending.
    A 'control drama' is played by anyone who is feeling low on power or energy & feels the need to manipulate & steal the energy of another. We get our way with others by making them pay attention to us, then elicit a certain reaction from them to make ourselves feel fulfilled. The positive feelings we gain are won at the expense of the other person

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