Silly Quotations

A prune is a plum with experience.

Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on November 8.
Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?
-Official Court Records

Think of love as a card game: first, get rid of the jokers, throw away the hearts, keep the diamonds... then try to get a king.

Children are called delinquents when they start wanting to do what adults do.

The trouble with mornings is that they come when you're not awake.

Success is just a matter of luck -- ask any failure.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

It's not easy to take my problems one at a time when they refuse to get in line.

Some people march to a different drummer and some people polka.

One of the most wonderful things about life is that we must regularly stop what we are doing and devote our attention to eating.

It's perfectly true that "you're only young once, " but that's hardly a reason to remain immature forever.

Lawyer: What happened then?
Witness: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me!"
Lawyer: Did he kill you?
-Court Records

I could now afford all the things I never had as a kid -- if I didn't have kids.

The trouble with the future is that it usually arrives before we're ready for it.

The hardest part of dieting isn’t watching what you eat, it’s watching what your friends eat.

Of all the streets in the world, Easy St. is the hardest to find.

One trouble with trouble is that it usually starts out like fun.

The mind is like a T.V. set; when the picture goes blank, it’s a good idea to turn off the sound.

It’s alright to drink like a fish -- if you drink what a fish drinks.

A hen is the only one who can lay around and still be a producer.

You only have to mumble a few words in church to be married, and a few in your sleep to get a divorce.

In the beginning, there was nothing. And God said, 'Let there be Light.' And there was still nothing, but you could see a bit better.

If vegetarians love animals so much, why do they eat all their food?

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.