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Thread: Inmate Relationship

  1. #71
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    Default Re: Inmate Relationship

    Quote Originally Posted by RAC51 View Post
    I'm thinking of doing the same thing to my current pen pal as I did with the other and just completely stop sending money since she is getting out early next year anyways. I really have no choice. Once the $$ stops flowing in every month it's the only way to know for sure. They have jobs in prison and writing one letter should not be an issue. But I do get really tired of inmates stopping their correspondence when I don't send money. It makes me feel like what I have to offer (my time and effort) isn't worth anything.
    Then just be clear about that and don't send money. You're free to make that choice, you know.
    I guess being clear about who you are and what you need/want is very helpful in any kind of relationship, whether inside or outside, whether friendship, colleagues, romance, business partners or whatever.
    Why not making it clear from the beginning that one's neither searching for a romantic relationship, nor willing tio send money. And then simply stick to it.
    The earlier you get to that point, the easier it is. If someone does not write back then, fine, be it so. An experience gained, not much else lost.
    If you want, are searching for or secretly hoping to find a romance, then you've got different cards on your hand and got to deal with it.
    Some people (both sexes, though it seems to me girls are a bit more prone to it) are still searching for someone to provide for them (either financially or emotionally or both).
    The searching for a prince on a horse myth out of fairies and such.
    If you don't want that and don't search for a princess, but a woman, well, then check what you're looking for.
    Just like men (kings) are harder to find than princes (sometimes maybe-to- become -kings), women (queens) are harder to find than princesses (sometimes maybe to become queens).
    Boundaries are just a very healthy thing - and sometimes it helps to think over where they are before jumping into sth.
    Greetings,
    Kirsten

  2. #72
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    Default Re: Inmate Relationship

    Hello all,

    Im not a psychologist I am workingbin the legal business and it?s close though.
    I realize myself that sometimes I look for exactly that disappointment because real closeness is tooo much for me handle.
    And sometimes it?s one is so used to disappointment and gets it again and again cause it feels so familiar
    A pen pal in this case it?s about penpals that is sincere and shows his emotions and does only nice things is probably frightening at first...
    The impact of affection a lonely person in prison can give night be intense.
    So somebody just writing for fun or getting sth out of it is not real intense it stays superficial
    I admit sometimes it?s not easy to handle the emotions I feel coming from my penpal.
    Im the one giving him strength and hope and only once he said don?t let me down not wanting items or money
    Maybe for phone calls he ask but I don?t give it I have so much more to offer an he realizes that
    Regards aliciia

  3. #73
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    Default Re: Inmate Relationship

    Quote Originally Posted by Kirsten View Post
    Then just be clear about that and don't send money. You're free to make that choice, you know.
    I guess being clear about who you are and what you need/want is very helpful in any kind of relationship, whether inside or outside, whether friendship, colleagues, romance, business partners or whatever.
    Why not making it clear from the beginning that one's neither searching for a romantic relationship, nor willing tio send money. And then simply stick to it.
    The earlier you get to that point, the easier it is. If someone does not write back then, fine, be it so. An experience gained, not much else lost.
    If you want, are searching for or secretly hoping to find a romance, then you've got different cards on your hand and got to deal with it.
    Some people (both sexes, though it seems to me girls are a bit more prone to it) are still searching for someone to provide for them (either financially or emotionally or both).
    The searching for a prince on a horse myth out of fairies and such.
    If you don't want that and don't search for a princess, but a woman, well, then check what you're looking for.
    Just like men (kings) are harder to find than princes (sometimes maybe-to- become -kings), women (queens) are harder to find than princesses (sometimes maybe to become queens).
    Boundaries are just a very healthy thing - and sometimes it helps to think over where they are before jumping into sth.
    Greetings,
    Kirsten
    That's a very interesting analogy. The thing is even if female inmates are still looking for that hard to find "prince charming" what are the chances that a guy who is financially stable, loaded with good qualities and attractive looking would want to invest what he has and his time with an inmate? Just being honest. If a female inmate is looking for that guy who will "provide" for her as you say then the guy has to ask himself "what am I getting out of this"? And considering when she gets out to further pursue a relationship with him what does she have to offer him because basically most of these inmates come out with next to nothing including education to get a descent job. And it goes for both sexes. Chances are if you are an inmate seeking any sort of relationship you will end up with someone who has or had an iffy past and he/or she won't be financially secure as you were hoping for. But love should not be about money anyways. I do get a chuckle when I read ads that say they are looking for someone who is "list of great qualities" and close by saying must be financially secure. Anyone like that would most likely be already taken by someone on the outside or they enjoy being single. When you start placing a list of expectations as to what kind of man/and or woman you want and they must meet your criteria or else forget it odds are your going to be very lonely for a very long time. I'm finding that most women in their 30's are interested in more than friendship but still tend to be overly choosy when it comes to what kind of guy they want. Must fill all the requirements. Ladies in their 20's tend to just want friendship since many of them are getting out sooner and are still young enough to pursue relationships on the outside. Those are the ones you have to watch out for if your an older guy because they might play on your emotions and make you believe that they really "like" you more than just friends in hopes that you will invest not only your time but money while they are incarcerated. You usually won't get that with ladies in their mid to late 30's. They usually know what they want by then and are not interested in games. But, never say never.
    Last edited by RAC51; 01-13-2018 at 07:34 PM.

  4. #74
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    Default Re: Inmate Relationship

    Quote Originally Posted by RAC51 View Post
    what are the chances that a guy who is financially stable, loaded with good qualities and attractive looking would want to invest what he has and his time with an inmate? Just being honest.
    I'm going to be honest right back: if someone wants everything on a list, and knows they won't be happy without every box being ticked off, then even if they do end up single and lonely for a long time, they can comfort themselves with the knowledge that they didn't settle. Settling is very bad. If a six pack is the highest priority for someone (shallow as it may be), then they should hold out and find someone who has one or is willing to get one. It's going to be gone when the guy is in his 80's, but by then hopefully emotional growth will have happened and they'll love one another beyond the physical. This applies to all sorts of things: big house, nice car, great smile, fabulous sense of humor, intelligent, whatever color hair, and so on and so on.

    I'm saying this because if someone settles - you included - you might be happy, for a while, but you might also grow to resent the hell out of your partner for not meeting the criteria of your ideal mate. It's a tightrope act, really, for those on the outside and inside. But I can't say I blame anyone who isn't willing to settle on less than what they feel like they deserve, and know they want. And you shouldn't want someone to "settle" for you, either, you should be the ideal for someone - you should tick all their boxes. Edit: But I'm a romantic idealist with stupid notions. Take it with a grain of salt.
    Last edited by Derpy; 01-13-2018 at 10:42 PM. Reason: (in post)

  5. #75
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    Default Re: Inmate Relationship

    Quote Originally Posted by RAC51 View Post
    The thing is even if female inmates are still looking for that hard to find "prince charming" what are the chances that a guy who is financially stable, loaded with good qualities and attractive looking would want to invest what he has and his time with an inmate? Just being honest.
    Probably not many.

    Quote Originally Posted by RAC51 View Post
    If a female inmate is looking for that guy who will "provide" for her as you say then the guy has to ask himself "what am I getting out of this"?
    Now we're talking, arent we? So, it's not only about the women, it's also about you, right? Just like any relationship is always about everyone being in it.

    But, on the other hand, and seeing it vice versa, by saying this about female inmates and writing to women in prison yourself, you are saying that you are not a financially stable, attractive looking guy loaded with good qualities. So, does that mean that you could settle for "just" an inmate? Or an inmate for "just" not a financially stable, attractive looking guy loaded with good qualities? I guess, you can see for yourself what kind of thoughts are behind this... just being honest.
    So, maybe this is really worth some pondering, hm? What exactly are you getting out of this? And what do you want to get out of this- and does it fit? (little side note: I don't need to know the answers to these questions, but maybe knowing them might be helpful to you?)

    Quote Originally Posted by RAC51 View Post
    And considering when she gets out to further pursue a relationship with him what does she have to offer him
    Herself. And her self. Both. Just like anyone. If that's enough or not, well that's always and everywhere sth. to be decided by the people involved.

    The "right one" is the person you daily decide to be with. And that can change over time, without meaning that you had not been right for that that person- or that person not to have been right for you.
    But people during their life (hopefully) grow and evolve which can mean (but doesn't necessarily) to outgrow on each other.

    Quote Originally Posted by RAC51 View Post
    When you start placing a list of expectations as to what kind of man/and or woman you want and they must meet your criteria or else forget it odds are your going to be very lonely for a very long time.
    Maybe yes, maybe no. I have been in a stable relationship for 10 years now and was alone 18 months before. Had anybody given me a description of my niow longterm-partner back then, I would never have believed it being a good match. We weren't the person from the other's dream/wishlist, certainly not. But when we met and started to notice the developing feelings, we just decided to give it a try.
    And I don't feel (and didn't) I have or had to "settle for anything less". If it ends some day (either by death or by seperation) it will, one way or another. That's life.
    But it cured me from chasing ideals in the future and overlooking present's presents.

  6. #76
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    Default Re: Inmate Relationship

    Quote Originally Posted by Kirsten View Post
    Probably not many.



    Now we're talking, arent we? So, it's not only about the women, it's also about you, right? Just like any relationship is always about everyone being in it.

    But, on the other hand, and seeing it vice versa, by saying this about female inmates and writing to women in prison yourself, you are saying that you are not a financially stable, attractive looking guy loaded with good qualities. So, does that mean that you could settle for "just" an inmate? Or an inmate for "just" not a financially stable, attractive looking guy loaded with good qualities? I guess, you can see for yourself what kind of thoughts are behind this... just being honest.
    So, maybe this is really worth some pondering, hm? What exactly are you getting out of this? And what do you want to get out of this- and does it fit? (little side note: I don't need to know the answers to these questions, but maybe knowing them might be helpful to you?)



    Herself. And her self. Both. Just like anyone. If that's enough or not, well that's always and everywhere sth. to be decided by the people involved.

    The "right one" is the person you daily decide to be with. And that can change over time, without meaning that you had not been right for that that person- or that person not to have been right for you.
    But people during their life (hopefully) grow and evolve which can mean (but doesn't necessarily) to outgrow on each other.



    Maybe yes, maybe no. I have been in a stable relationship for 10 years now and was alone 18 months before. Had anybody given me a description of my niow longterm-partner back then, I would never have believed it being a good match. We weren't the person from the other's dream/wishlist, certainly not. But when we met and started to notice the developing feelings, we just decided to give it a try.
    And I don't feel (and didn't) I have or had to "settle for anything less". If it ends some day (either by death or by seperation) it will, one way or another. That's life.
    But it cured me from chasing ideals in the future and overlooking present's presents.

    Why do I feel I am reading an article out of Cosmopolitan written by a woman. lol

  7. #77
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    Default Re: Inmate Relationship

    Quote Originally Posted by Kirsten View Post
    Probably not many.



    Now we're talking, arent we? So, it's not only about the women, it's also about you, right? Just like any relationship is always about everyone being in it.

    But, on the other hand, and seeing it vice versa, by saying this about female inmates and writing to women in prison yourself, you are saying that you are not a financially stable, attractive looking guy loaded with good qualities. So, does that mean that you could settle for "just" an inmate? Or an inmate for "just" not a financially stable, attractive looking guy loaded with good qualities? I guess, you can see for yourself what kind of thoughts are behind this... just being honest.
    So, maybe this is really worth some pondering, hm? What exactly are you getting out of this? And what do you want to get out of this- and does it fit? (little side note: I don't need to know the answers to these questions, but maybe knowing them might be helpful to you?)



    Herself. And her self. Both. Just like anyone. If that's enough or not, well that's always and everywhere sth. to be decided by the people involved.

    The "right one" is the person you daily decide to be with. And that can change over time, without meaning that you had not been right for that that person- or that person not to have been right for you.
    But people during their life (hopefully) grow and evolve which can mean (but doesn't necessarily) to outgrow on each other.



    Maybe yes, maybe no. I have been in a stable relationship for 10 years now and was alone 18 months before. Had anybody given me a description of my niow longterm-partner back then, I would never have believed it being a good match. We weren't the person from the other's dream/wishlist, certainly not. But when we met and started to notice the developing feelings, we just decided to give it a try.
    And I don't feel (and didn't) I have or had to "settle for anything less". If it ends some day (either by death or by seperation) it will, one way or another. That's life.
    But it cured me from chasing ideals in the future and overlooking present's presents.

    Why do I feel I am reading an article out of Cosmopolitan written by a woman. lol My answers are pretty straight forward but like most women they tend to dissect every comment, twist and turn them sideways to validate their own point of view. I'm just saying a successful, good looking guy most likely won't look into having a relationship with an inmate. To say that a woman has "herself to offer" is kind of ironic considering most divorces are initiated by women and usually have something to do with her wanting to monkey climb to a guy that has more finances and more to offer her. Sorry to to sound sexist but...It's horrible that money has to come into play when finding Mr. Right but it does. I'm just saying if an inmate comes out of prison with nothing including no "real" education" even a guy that has little and living on borderline poverty has more than most inmates. What will she do for him? She will most likely end up being a burden to his pocket book. It will cost him to feed her, take care of her, give her transportation, housing and help her get back on her feet. What does he really get in return besides...shall I dare say this? yes. Sex. I've read so may profiles of women who state that they are looking for a possible serious relationship in their ads and almost every time "financially stable" is included with the list of qualities they are looking for in a guy. It's a fact that most guys don't put financially stable as a high priority when seeking a female they want someone honest, trustworthy, loving and committed while women want those same attributes but will bypass a guy if he doesn't fit her financial criteria. I'm sorry, just another fact. And it's sad because there are tons of really nice guys out there that would treat these women like queens but get overlooked because they can't provide enough real world things. I'm not broke nor homeless. I own my home and car and both are paid for but I'm not rich by any means. But when I read an ad that says I 'm looking for a someone who is blah blah blah blah and ..financially stable I run. That usually tells me that she is only interested in being taken care of until she gets her life back on track and will give the least amount she has to in order to be taken care of. Relationships in modern times are unfortunately an investment. When the money runs out the relationship breaks down. Almost all relationship breakups besides those due to abuse are usually because of financial problems. Nobody wants or asks to be poor but there is nothing wrong with living poor. Sometimes those who live poor have more endearing qualities than those who are financially stable because they appreciate and value things more because they have little of it. I dunno. Saying that you want someone "financially stable" makes you come across as a gold digger. Just an opinion.
    Last edited by RAC51; 01-15-2018 at 09:37 PM.

  8. #78
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    Default Re: Inmate Relationship

    Quote Originally Posted by RAC51 View Post
    Relationships in modern times are unfortunately an investment.
    They have always been and they used to be more of an investment than they tend to be now.
    The ideal that relationships "should" be built on romantic feelings (which should last a lifetime) did come up in the end of the 18th century, not sooner.
    And before, when women in Western cultures usually did not have much access to education at all, it just was their only chance to climb ther social ladder, if it was allowed at all.
    So, the women you describe are more or less those that use a very old strategy (which has been very stable throughout history of humanity).
    Just those who live in cultures and religions where they have access to education and money are even in the position to have a choice.
    And therefore, yes, relationships are and have always been an investment.
    Which is not to say anything against romantical feelings (who doesn't love to be in love?) but to deny that relationships are also a form of investment is a little bit, well... unrealistic?
    And that gioes for both sexes, too. Just that men usually had easier access to ressources needed for survival than women and by that had less pressure to "marry upwards".

  9. #79

    Default Re: Inmate Relationship

    Just to put out there that I have no need whatsoever of a man to 'take care of me' materially, I can do that myself and do so. I've no interest in climbing ladders, social or otherwise. I also have no interest in saving anyone, from themselves or anything else. I write to inmates because I like getting letters, and I married hubby because of our conversations - not promises of picket fences and happily ever afters.

    Some women want those things, and as long as the guy does too then there is nothing wrong with it. But women in prison are not good catches out on the street (in general). If you wouldn't take a chance on that type of woman if you met her in a bar, why on earth would you seek out one in prison?
    Married 11 years, still waiting.




    To ask well, to answer rightly,
    Are the marks of a wise man:
    Men must speak of men's deeds,
    What happens may not be hidden.
    ~ The Havamal

  10. #80
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    Default Re: Inmate Relationship

    Quote Originally Posted by sunray's wench View Post
    Just to put out there that I have no need whatsoever of a man to 'take care of me' materially, I can do that myself and do so. I've no interest in climbing ladders, social or otherwise.
    I second that one.

    And by my posts I never meant to say that relationships between inmates and people outside are impossible to happen or couldn't last or anything.
    I find it just a little weird to complain about disadvantaged people who search for their advantage - which still doesn't mean that they overturn or abuse someone by doing so.
    And I wonder why to do the things (send money) one later is to complain about.

    Quote Originally Posted by sunray's wench View Post
    But women in prison are not good catches out on the street (in general). If you wouldn't take a chance on that type of woman if you met her in a bar, why on earth would you seek out one in prison?
    Very good question, I think.

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