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Thread: First time dealing with my bf being in the hole :'(

  1. #21
    Join Date
    Jun 2017
    Location
    United Kingdom/London
    Posts
    43

    Default Re: First time dealing with my bf being in the hole :'(

    Quote Originally Posted by DanPal View Post
    My BF of 4 years has not been in the hole, but I know for sure, that I would not feel a need to step up the correspondence in any way, if that situation were to occur.
    1. That would just feel wrong to me. He's an adult and must take responsibility for his actions. I already devote as much of my life, as I can, to him, and he knows that.
    2. He would WANT to take responsibilty and would feel embarrassed and very undeserving, if I did send extras of any kind.

    That's another point (no 2 above): Give the man a chance to take his punishment without pampering.
    I know being in the hole must be horrible, but an inmate also knows the rules of how to act, so not to end up there.
    That is very true. This has not been the first time he has been in the hole, before me and him started writing he had been previously in the hole twice on one occasion 2 years on another 5 years, but he protests he's been on good behaviour for a year, so my argument is now he has a reason to behave i.e. Me! Our relationship why would he jeopardise it by falling back into old habits! I would have thought I gave him better focus not to get in that damn hole again. So upset with him.

  2. #22

    Default Re: First time dealing with my bf being in the hole :'(

    One thing I think you need to understand - people who break the rules such as inmates do not stop to consider how their behaviour will affect those around them. Most have wives, siblings, girlfriends, parents, kids, people who care about them yet they still find themselves in prison. It's not enough to stop them misbehaving, so it's something you are going to have to accept and not start to question whether you are 'enough' for him.

    You also mention that you're not sure about your relationship. Unless you were arguing before he got locked up, why would his being in the hole mean you were no longer together?

    It is possible to stay out of trouble in prison, plenty do manage it. But it would appear to help if the inmate is older.





    To ask well, to answer rightly,
    Are the marks of a wise man:
    Men must speak of men's deeds,
    What happens may not be hidden.
    ~ The Havamal

  3. #23
    Join Date
    Jun 2017
    Location
    United Kingdom/London
    Posts
    43

    Default Re: First time dealing with my bf being in the hole :'(

    Quote Originally Posted by FreakLikeMe View Post
    Yes. I don't know how long you have been together. But that is part an parcel of a long distance prison relationship. Just stay calm, don't let your mind wonder in crazy thoughts. At least you know he is safe in the hole. There will probably be many times like this. Just get on and do what you got to do. It's all you can do.
    Can't inbox you anymore, says you exceeded your quota on inbox messages or something like that, apparently you need to delete some lol

  4. #24
    Join Date
    Aug 2017
    Location
    Spain
    Posts
    16

    Default Re: First time dealing with my bf being in the hole :'(

    My Daniel was segregated 1 month on May ( I don't like call "hole"). It's first time in 7 years that we have a relationship that he gets a trouble like this and I was really angry. But I didn't think if he deserved or didn't deserve that I wrote him more when was this situation. It's prison who punish if he doesn't make what rules say. I just said what I think must said him because he's my boyfriend, we love each other and you cannot harm to person when you love. Be segregated is really hard because humans are not prepared to be 24 hours to day locked up in a cell. It's not healty. I never justify him and sometimes he is angry with me because I am agree with prison rules but I think he don't need be punish two times.

  5. #25
    Join Date
    Sep 2017
    Location
    United States
    Posts
    70

    Default Re: First time dealing with my bf being in the hole :'(

    Also, inmates who are incarcerated in TDCJ which are confirmed gang members are always housed in Ad. Seg. It's miserable and until they go through the GRAD program, that's where they stay 23/7...they are supposed to get 1hr outside in a recreation cage(large dog kennel) each day, but for the most part, never do. This solitary life is not healthy by any means...physically, mentally, or emotionally. It certainly does nothing to rehabilitate them. I know because i was once a corrections officer for TDCJ/High Security/Ad.Seg. at the Estelle unit. I was literally told that i was supposed to treat these men like they were dogs. It made me ill to even imagine treating anyone this way. I left a well paying job there because I felt differently. I feel like we should treat inmates how we expect them to treat us...with respect, because maybe some of them were never taught what respect is and simply need to be shown. You shake a stick at a dog long enough and you know what will eventually happen? They're going to bite you. Show them what you expect and you'd be surprised at what you get in return. They appreciate kindness just like everyone else. My husband is bipolar and was one such gang member that spent over 8yrs in this type of confined cell, but now he has graduated the GRAD program in May 2016(same month we were married). Now if he can stay out of trouble, which believe me, corrections officers can be unfair, unjust, and incorrect, so it is a continuous battle for these men to protect themselves while doing the right thing. So, not always, but sometimes inmates can just be in the wrong place at the wrong time and get caught up in some bullshit!! Just take it case by case. Sometimes he may not deserve the punishment(being in the hole)that is given, and if they do they certainly don't deserve a reward for bad behavior. But always, always keep in mind that we ALL make mistakes. We just aren't watched and scrutinized for every little occurrence like these guys are everyday.

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