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Thread: On the fence

  1. #1
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    PixieWings's: Amused

    Question On the fence

    A while back i asked for advice about getting things ready for my J to come home...yeah i really hate when a monkey wrench pops up that i don't know anything about...So i guess the new plan is me moving to the Rez since he will have a house and everything already set up there waiting for him...I was given some wonderful advice about having a trail period to make sure we click not only on paper but face to face...but this letters all this week have been about his plans, and i guess he put in to tranfer back out west, and i get that is where his people are, but it would have been nice to know he was doing the paper work before he actually did it...I don't know maybe i'm over thinking everything but as of late it's about HIS plans, and he does not use the term US as much as he used to....So i don't actually know what's going on...

    I guess at the end of the day i don't want to be just words on a page from a cement cell and a voice on the phone...i don't want to keep riding this time with him just to be replaced once he hits the free world.

    I guess i could use any advice anyone has as to how to handle all of this..I just have more questions than answers these days and it's kind of stressing me out. My baby brother is doing well getting on my nerves but that is what brothers are for. I finally know everything about what was going on, and i know i should ask more questions but mostly i just go with the flow because it's family.

  2. #2
    Saskatchewanian Guest

    Default Re: On the fence

    He's not out for a long long time. I think you should just stop worrying and decide "is this worth it to me if we don't end up together"? If not... end things and maybe try getting back in touch when he's closer to being out or suggest you guys dial it back to friends and live more of a free life until it's close to when he gets home. I think the plan (the his or the us or the my) will change a lot over the next years. It's hard to know exactly what is going to happen...so you just need to decide if it's valuable in your life to keep on as you are or if something else might be more valuable.

    None of us know if we're going to end up in relationships with our dude...so how I justify waiting is that there is sustained value in doing so. Even if I don't end up with him, I won't regret this time.

  3. #3
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    PixieWings's: Amused

    Default Re: On the fence

    your right, i need to take a step back and look at everything and find the worth of it all...i'm been so closed focused on things i'm failing to see the big picture. To me it's worth the wait..but then again, i don't want to give my all, just to be nothing at the end of the day...i guess i already know all these answers, that we should go back to the friendzone until he gets out, and we can have some US time to see if it would even work, so getting on his visit list does not look like it will ever happen. And if he can't respect that, then it will show me what i really mean, and show that i've been stressing for nothing.

  4. #4
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    Default Re: On the fence

    That's the risk everyone takes if they are romantically involved with and inmate......you could ride his time with him only to find that it was for nothing. I would suggest that you play it by ear. There really is no rush (he still has six years? Or have I remembered something incorrectly?). If you keep enough of yourself for yourself then you'll be strong enough to keep on your feet should everything go a$$ up. No one knows for sure whether their relationship will even last throughout the entire sentence, so it really isn't worth stressing out until you know what the score is.
    Yeah, I can understand you feeling a bit upset that he has made plans without including you - I think I would too. But perhaps he did it because it's one of the few things he can do for himself (without help)?

    You spend too much time stressing, Pixie. Let things find their own level...you'll both find out whether you are right for one another when the time is right ;-)




    We ourselves feel that what we are doing is just a drop in the ocean. But the ocean would be less because of that missing drop. Mother Teresa.

  5. #5
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    Taivas's: Relaxed

    Default Re: On the fence

    Quote Originally Posted by Saskatchewanian View Post
    He's not out for a long long time. I think you should just stop worrying and decide "is this worth it to me if we don't end up together"? If not... end things and maybe try getting back in touch when he's closer to being out or suggest you guys dial it back to friends and live more of a free life until it's close to when he gets home. I think the plan (the his or the us or the my) will change a lot over the next years. It's hard to know exactly what is going to happen...so you just need to decide if it's valuable in your life to keep on as you are or if something else might be more valuable.

    None of us know if we're going to end up in relationships with our dude...so how I justify waiting is that there is sustained value in doing so. Even if I don't end up with him, I won't regret this time.
    Wise words of Sask, I will keep this in mind for other tasks I carry out in life...
    “There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man; true nobility is being superior to your former self.” - Ernest Hemingway




  6. #6
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    PixieWings's: Amused

    Default Re: On the fence

    Quote Originally Posted by BirdyB View Post
    That's the risk everyone takes if they are romantically involved with and inmate......you could ride his time with him only to find that it was for nothing. I would suggest that you play it by ear. There really is no rush (he still has six years? Or have I remembered something incorrectly?). If you keep enough of yourself for yourself then you'll be strong enough to keep on your feet should everything go a$$ up. No one knows for sure whether their relationship will even last throughout the entire sentence, so it really isn't worth stressing out until you know what the score is.
    Yeah, I can understand you feeling a bit upset that he has made plans without including you - I think I would too. But perhaps he did it because it's one of the few things he can do for himself (without help)?

    You spend too much time stressing, Pixie. Let things find their own level...you'll both find out whether you are right for one another when the time is right ;-)
    he has 6-9 years depending on how much good time he can earn. I knew he was going back west before he got out, because his people are there, but it would have been nice to get a heads up before he actually filled the papers, instead of oh i might be gone to the next place in a month or a few months i finished my transfer papers. Up until i sent him some of the advice i had gotten from the last questions i asked..he was always about us doing this and that...then i get a letter i'm going back to washington what are your thoughts on that. And i've told him from the begining i don't have a problem with moving, i'm very close with his family so it's not like i would be going where i did not know anyone..i don't know i just feel like he wants to start his new life without me, but wants me to ride with him until he can start it...We will see i guess nothing i can do but wait...i just don't even know anymore...i never used to question things with him this much...but after one of my friends "inmate" got out and yeah lets just say she got played so i don't have to give to many details...it has me questioning everything.

  7. #7
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    Default Re: On the fence

    Quote Originally Posted by PixieWings View Post
    he has 6-9 years depending on how much good time he can earn. I knew he was going back west before he got out, because his people are there, but it would have been nice to get a heads up before he actually filled the papers, instead of oh i might be gone to the next place in a month or a few months i finished my transfer papers. Up until i sent him some of the advice i had gotten from the last questions i asked..he was always about us doing this and that...then i get a letter i'm going back to washington what are your thoughts on that. And i've told him from the begining i don't have a problem with moving, i'm very close with his family so it's not like i would be going where i did not know anyone..i don't know i just feel like he wants to start his new life without me, but wants me to ride with him until he can start it...We will see i guess nothing i can do but wait...i just don't even know anymore...i never used to question things with him this much...but after one of my friends "inmate" got out and yeah lets just say she got played so i don't have to give to many details...it has me questioning everything.
    So he already knew you'd be okay with his transfer? What's making you think he wants to start his new life without you? Is that just because you feel he hasn't been saying 'we' recently?
    Regardless of what happens in other people's relationships, I don't judge my man on another person's behaviour. I trust him. If you don't feel you can trust him then take a step back. 6 - 9 years is a long time.....it's a lot to give all that time to someone if you're not sure. There's nothing wrong with keeping the door open for a relationship with him, but just get on with your life. Your focus should be on you and your children first and foremost...there's enough room to fit him in without making him your life's priority :-)




    We ourselves feel that what we are doing is just a drop in the ocean. But the ocean would be less because of that missing drop. Mother Teresa.

  8. #8
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    Default Re: On the fence

    Quote Originally Posted by PixieWings View Post
    your right, i need to take a step back and look at everything and find the worth of it all...i'm been so closed focused on things i'm failing to see the big picture. To me it's worth the wait..but then again, i don't want to give my all, just to be nothing at the end of the day...i guess i already know all these answers, that we should go back to the friendzone until he gets out, and we can have some US time to see if it would even work, so getting on his visit list does not look like it will ever happen. And if he can't respect that, then it will show me what i really mean, and show that i've been stressing for nothing.
    Pixie, why do you say you will never get on his visiting list? Even if he with the feds, you can try for a special visit. I say push for it because you two really do need to meet face to face. I think it's an important missing piece here.

  9. #9
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    Default Re: On the fence

    Quote Originally Posted by BirdyB View Post
    So he already knew you'd be okay with his transfer? What's making you think he wants to start his new life without you? Is that just because you feel he hasn't been saying 'we' recently?
    Regardless of what happens in other people's relationships, I don't judge my man on another person's behaviour. I trust him. If you don't feel you can trust him then take a step back. 6 - 9 years is a long time.....it's a lot to give all that time to someone if you're not sure. There's nothing wrong with keeping the door open for a relationship with him, but just get on with your life. Your focus should be on you and your children first and foremost...there's enough room to fit him in without making him your life's priority :-)
    OMG, Birdy, I just noticed your ticker and had a very big hearty laugh! You're awesome!

  10. #10
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    PixieWings's: Amused

    Default Re: On the fence

    Quote Originally Posted by BirdyB View Post
    So he already knew you'd be okay with his transfer? What's making you think he wants to start his new life without you? Is that just because you feel he hasn't been saying 'we' recently?
    Regardless of what happens in other people's relationships, I don't judge my man on another person's behaviour. I trust him. If you don't feel you can trust him then take a step back. 6 - 9 years is a long time.....it's a lot to give all that time to someone if you're not sure. There's nothing wrong with keeping the door open for a relationship with him, but just get on with your life. Your focus should be on you and your children first and foremost...there's enough room to fit him in without making him your life's priority :-)
    We talked about him transfer back to the west 2 years ago when he first got moved to PA, he was telling me he has to wait for his numbers to go down so he could go back out west, so i knew he would be doing it, i just did not have an ideal of when. The whole vibe of his letters has changed, since i asked him how he felt about us having a trail period before we full moved in together, that is when he started saying HIS plans, and stopped saying our plans, or how do you feel about this? It's more he is going back to washington, because his people have everything set for him there..about a month ago he asked if i would be willing to move to the rez, and i don't have a problem with moving, but i think we need US time first before i move my whole house to the other side of the country. i can live anywhere. But his last 3 letters (we have a lot of mail going back and forth) were all about HE is doing this, and HE is going to restart his life there, but he did not even ask, if i still wanted to move to be with him...Or said anything about us in this new life he is writing about. And that is not like him normally, we have been writing 8 or so years, and he has never wrote in this way..That HE is doing this..it has always been this is what he would like to do and asks how i feel about it, or can we talk about it to have a happy middle of whatever the topic is.
    I actually don't mean to judge him by what my girls "inmate" did, but it just does make me wonder if i'm setting myself up for the same thing..just like when i read other post about different woman getting played by there "man" i wonder if maybe i'm getting played as well.. I think i might want to drop back to just friends with him, until everything is sorted out, but with making that choice, i don't even know how to tell him that, without it seeming like i don't still care for him.
    I need to learn to take care of me..Taking care of my kids i'm actually good at..i've been blessed with wonderful children that do well in school, and don't break the law. I have a lot to think about with J, and try to figure out if this is what is going to happen..i'm just in the i don't know what is the next step is, and i don't even know if we will make it..right now his focus is getting back west...yeah i'm in Ohio...the first thing that popped in my mind was...why is he wants to be as far away from me...but that was me being selfish..since as of yet i can't even see him because they keep dening me on this visit list...no real point in staying close in miles to me when i can't even see him.

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