I like all advice so please tell me what you think.

Well i think most know about me and A. I just came back from my first trip over to see him. It went soooo well !!!! he has my heart. But i live in the real world when it comes to thinking about this. I live in the Uk with two kids one who has severe autism. Amy will be a woman when he gets out and will have her own life to live, but Tom will be still with me and always will be. I talk to A about it and hes tells me its ok and that he knows about Tom and that its fine. BUT i can only go and see him once or twice a year the cost is to high and i can't with Tom. He calls me, and we write so that is more than most but he will not let me send him money for the phone. Not that i could send all that much but it makes me feel ;-( you know. Its to late i could not walk away now i love him, but how will this work ??? can it work ??? i would really like to talk to people who are doing this.

Its been so hard this week, i miss him so much and i feel alone right now. He tells me he understands how i feel and i think he does but to love a man in prison is not easy when you have nobody to talk to.

I don't know if i can do this ??? my heart tells me yes but my mind tells me ???? i don;t know

Hi Melanieann,
I appears to me that you are totally over thinking things here, and stressing about it all, and getting in a state over ..well..nothing! Your man isn't getting out next week, he isn't going anywhere, you have your life, and your kids etc...so why not just sit back and enjoy the ride?
Embrace how you feel about this guy, as you would any other man. Stop worry about what is down the road, if things are meant to be they will work themselves out...just go with it and relax....stop stressing over what may or may not happen. And above all..BE HAPPY!

I will probably get shot down in flames.. but i think i know what im talking about.. and ive just started to live in real reality although i didnt have my head in pink fluffy clouds, i did have hope that somehow it would all workout.. Thankfully my relationship has come to an end. so now we dont have to face the coming out crap..

its all very easy standing by a man for many years, everything is no problem to them.. fact is they would of been doing what their doing anyway with or without us..

I dont know how long your PP has, but chances are he wont be able to come here thats if he would even be willing to up sticks and leave all he knows. and most probably you wont be able to get there, would you want too.. in my 10/11 years ive seen one couple make it past the coming out. he has managed to get here.

long distance relationships are fine while their locked up, but if he gets out it wont work, you can bet your bottom dollar he isnt going to be faithful. so it will most probably end then..

Im not saying your PP isnt true to his word.. but try NOT sending money. alot of guys have a few penpals sending a few dollars here and there it gets them by.. just test your relationship with no money deposits..

if he has a baby momma.. chances are she will be back sniffing around come the end of the sentence making promises and all that.. he will most probably be gone.

I would suggest you look past the cute letters/calls. and ask yourself some questions and answer honestly.
when it comes to reality having someones heart is not enough to keep a relationship going.. if it were there would be a whole lot more excons here. and european women there living happily ever after..

Hi there Melanieann
I have to agree with everything Samsarah already shared with you. Please try not to over analyze your situation at hand, please just relax and take each day as it comes. For now you have the love of your man & you are blessed with your lovely children. Just enjoy what you have today, tomorrow is another day! please count your many blessings & know that whatever is meant to be for you...will be Mel. I wish you well always.

Originally Posted by FreakLikeMe

long distance relationships are fine while their locked up, but if he gets out it wont work, you can bet your bottom dollar he isnt going to be faithful. so it will most probably end then..

Why would you say this?


Mate, i could write a chapter in reply to all you have shared reflecting on my experiences and those i have come to know. How will it work? I honestly and sincerely believe with all that i am if two people with a great friendship, respect and healthy relationship love each other and work towards the same goals in life, both putting in 110% it will work if the commitment and desire is their on both sides of the fence, no matter the obstacles. Including a child with special needs, DOC restrictions, financial obligations and distance. How do i know this? Because "we" are living it against all odds.

While i understand why others have said, sit back, relax and just enjoy the ride, this is the time you need to plant seeds if you are going to reap the rewards of harvest for your future. There is a story my mate often shares with the guys inside. In short he talks about being prepared, you do not put on a parachute after you jump, nor an air tank after you hit the water to scuba dive, so why would you expect to wait to be out the gate before you prepare for life outside? You need to do it now, you need to make the small changes today to prepare for the big one's tomorrow and personally i see that as no different for us.

With that said though, you are still in the very early months of your relationship, so while i would be mindful i would continue to work on YOU, while thinking about where you see yourself/life 10 years from now and do what it takes to achieve those goals.

I said it because ive NOT seen a relationship work, if it continues to be a long distance one after release.. they get locked back up, their unfaithful. theres many insecuritys because the guy is out and about and not writing the cute letters anymore..
I dont mean to sound disrespectful but anyone can live against the odds while locked up. and we can plant our dream seeds but reality for most is your gonna come down with a bump after going with the flow for many years..

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I said it because ive NOT seen a relationship work, if it continues to be a long distance one after release.. they get locked back up, their unfaithful. theres many insecuritys because the guy is out and about and not writing the cute letters anymore..
I dont mean to sound disrespectful but anyone can live against the odds while locked up. and we can plant our dream seeds but reality for most is your gonna come down with a bump after going with the flow for many years..

Originally Posted by FreakLikeMe

I will probably get shot down in flames.. but i think i know what im talking about.. and ive just started to live in real reality although i didnt have my head in pink fluffy clouds, i did have hope that somehow it would all workout.. Thankfully my relationship has come to an end. so now we dont have to face the coming out crap..

its all very easy standing by a man for many years, everything is no problem to them.. fact is they would of been doing what their doing anyway with or without us..

I dont know how long your PP has, but chances are he wont be able to come here thats if he would even be willing to up sticks and leave all he knows. and most probably you wont be able to get there, would you want too.. in my 10/11 years ive seen one couple make it past the coming out. he has managed to get here.

long distance relationships are fine while their locked up, but if he gets out it wont work, you can bet your bottom dollar he isnt going to be faithful. so it will most probably end then..

Im not saying your PP isnt true to his word.. but try NOT sending money. alot of guys have a few penpals sending a few dollars here and there it gets them by.. just test your relationship with no money deposits..

if he has a baby momma.. chances are she will be back sniffing around come the end of the sentence making promises and all that.. he will most probably be gone.

I would suggest you look past the cute letters/calls. and ask yourself some questions and answer honestly.
when it comes to reality having someones heart is not enough to keep a relationship going.. if it were there would be a whole lot more excons here. and european women there living happily ever after..

I would never shot you down, all advice is asked for.

FLM, are you strictly talking about European's and American's or do you think this same thing happens with relationships when both people live in the US?

Im talking mostly about anyone that lives outside of the usa.. but just because your inside doesnt mean it will 100% work. some guys marry to secure parole, some guys marry to get family visits. while they are locked up you got 100% of his attention. it changes once out the women get pissy and jealous. most times it ends.. im not meaning to be a party pooper, but ive not seen many happy ever afters.. even the ones you see that have got out you normally get well he got locked back up.. or here i am again.. threads.. I guess im just nosier than most and read a whole lot more threads.
when i first started writing hubby and fell in love. I had many american women tell me it wasnt real.. and how their relationships was real and would last. most of them when i followed their posts didnt last another 6months to a year.. they had ended before or just after release..

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Im talking mostly about anyone that lives outside of the usa.. but just because your inside doesnt mean it will 100% work. some guys marry to secure parole, some guys marry to get family visits. while they are locked up you got 100% of his attention. it changes once out the women get pissy and jealous. most times it ends.. im not meaning to be a party pooper, but ive not seen many happy ever afters.. even the ones you see that have got out you normally get well he got locked back up.. or here i am again.. threads.. I guess im just nosier than most and read a whole lot more threads.
when i first started writing hubby and fell in love. I had many american women tell me it wasnt real.. and how their relationships was real and would last. most of them when i followed their posts didnt last another 6months to a year.. they had ended before or just after release..

I'm not going to pretend that I've gone through this before, because I haven't. But from what I've seen and from what I've read about... the odds of it working are only as good as what you put into it. Most of these relationships don't work because of financial strain due to the guy either not being able to get work, or not being mentally ready to get work straight away... Or because he wants to dip his stick into other ladies because he hasn't had any for so long. The last part you can't really do anything about... but honestly, there are a lot of guys that haven't been locked up that do the same thing... I think if you want things to work you've got to live by a mixture of 'in the moment' happiness as well as be smart and plan for the future as best you can.

It's not going to be cheap for either you to move over there, or for him to move over to you.. so even if he won't be released for 15 years, start saving now. If it doesn't work out then at least you've built up a nice little nest egg for you to enjoy, heh.

I also think that the relationships that fail have a common factor - there were lots of lovey dovey fairy tale plans made with no real boundaries and expectations set. It's unrealistic for a woman to think that a man that has been locked up for years is going to come out and play house-bound hubby happily. He's going to want to blow off some steam, go for a drink with his mates, etc. If I was a guy, I know I would want to do that... I think woman can get too needy and men can get too careless and when put together without the boundaries in place ... it's goodbye fairy tale.