Originally Posted by MoxieBravo

wow. first of all, everything i think has already been said. however, i feel compelled to reply to this part because it burns my butt when i hear stuff like this. you'd think some of these guys would appreciate the visits, you know? and not put any other stupid demands on top of it. you were right to tell him that you'll go as you are or you won't go at all. i'd have been angry too! in fact, if i was ever told something like that i'd put his butt on visit restriction for a few months.

I'd purposely go wearing a potato sack just to rub it in lol

I figured part of the reason he is the way he is because of his "lacking" in the past, i just wasnt to sure if i was just making excuses for him too. I do take my part in the blame to, maybe if i had of said no a few times in the beginning it wouldnt of evolved into this mess where i i just want to run away.. I have tried telling him he doesnt have to be the way he is, but i think if i explained to him and say it the way gooddog said it, i know he would manipulate that and id have to excuse his behaviour because he couldnt help it because of his past.
its hard because i dont or didnt want him to be fearful of anything but at same time i want to live.. Im sick of arguing over stupid stuff.

Originally Posted by sunray's wench

I never put the "obey" part in!

How they ask has a lot to do with it though. Anyone who comes straight out with "you can't do..." or "you must..." instantly puts my back up and makes me want to do the opposite. Hubby knows this, he doesn't tell, he just asks, or even better, just tells me how he feels about it, leaving it up to me how I decide to proceed. I'm sure some would think that he was practicing some advanced psychological tactics there, but he's not that smart and talking just works better than demanding.

lol at he's not that smart to practice advanced psychological tactics! Neither am I! It's true, it's all about how you come at people If you have some deep seeded reason for a hairstyle to be a certain way, out with it! Otherwise, it just sounds like controlling foolishness. I think if people DO just talk about it then compromise can easily be found most of the time.

If it's, "my mother wore that hairstyle and ever time I see it I have bad memories," strange as something like that can sound, it makes a whole lot more sense to me than just "do what I say with your personal look."

Originally Posted by FreakLikeMe

I figured part of the reason he is the way he is because of his "lacking" in the past, i just wasnt to sure if i was just making excuses for him too. I do take my part in the blame to, maybe if i had of said no a few times in the beginning it wouldnt of evolved into this mess where i i just want to run away.. I have tried telling him he doesnt have to be the way he is, but i think if i explained to him and say it the way gooddog said it, i know he would manipulate that and id have to excuse his behaviour because he couldnt help it because of his past.
its hard because i dont or didnt want him to be fearful of anything but at same time i want to live.. Im sick of arguing over stupid stuff.

Yeah forgive that, I didn't mean to sound all "cut and dry" about someone I don't even know. That's the part about THEY have to see themselves as needing to change. I don't know that you can constantly present to them "you are doing this" because that just creates defensiveness. It requires a certain self awareness and I hate to say it, but probably lots of help to be presented with another alternative of how to feel secure and safe.

It may well be because of his past but sometimes people need help seeing that you do NOT have to live out of what happened to you in the past. Not sure it can always be your S.O that helps you do that, either. I had to do a LOT, (3 foot high, neon red letters LOT) work on myself to achieve these thoughts to come up out of my own mess. I too came from things in the past that drove me and created problems.

Has he ever thought about change or that he needed to be differerent sometimes or is it always someone else's fault making him act that way? That's a tough one.
Aw, I have empathy for that. thing is: he's in PAIN if he acts like that. Right? Because you don't need to be like that in life if you're happy or have any modicum of serenity about things. If any of this controlling behavior brought happiness, then... great! But it doesn't. I wonder if it can be such a habit to act that way that it's really a monumental undertaking to want to change that. Requires thought before mouth is opened! (I guess you've told him that...)
-hopefully I'm not saying anything that oversteps, here, not trying to be judgmental, just helpful?-

Originally Posted by Xtina

I'd purposely go wearing a potato sack just to rub it in lol

My pp has told me he's seen guys actually LOSE their girlfriends because of demands they are making. Okaaaaaay..... if that's the way you want to play it.

Originally Posted by gooddog

My pp has told me he's seen guys actually LOSE their girlfriends because of demands they are making. Okaaaaaay..... if that's the way you want to play it.

Its amazing the hold these guys have or try to have over us when they are in there.

Since we're on the subject, of demands people make my buddy in prison states he's suffering and can use monetary help. I asked what do you mean suffering he's like the state doesnt give us all our basic needs as people think. I was under the impression they got the essentials at least not the best of the best but what they need. Do those incarcerated need cash. I feel like he survived before me and he'll keep surviving after me.

Originally Posted by nicolequeen48211

Since we're on the subject, of demands people make my buddy in prison states he's suffering and can use monetary help. I asked what do you mean suffering he's like the state doesnt give us all our basic needs as people think. I was under the impression they got the essentials at least not the best of the best but what they need. Do those incarcerated need cash. I feel like he survived before me and he'll keep surviving after me.

He may just be telling you that he's suffering, and that's fine, you can tell him about your suffering too! I do this all the time with my pp. BUT there's a big difference between a guy saying, "I'm hungry" or "I wish I had a TV" and sort of HINTING that you could help him out about those things. There is a difference. Is it just talking among friends or is it hinting that you should open your wallet?

My example always is, if a friend says to me, "my car just broke down and it costs 500$" I don't automatically think they are asking ME for the 500. But if they say, "my car just broke down and it costs 500 and I could really use some help"... that's a whole other conversation! Maybe he does need cash but that doesn't mean it's gotta come from YOU!

Originally Posted by nicolequeen48211

Since we're on the subject, of demands people make my buddy in prison states he's suffering and can use monetary help. I asked what do you mean suffering he's like the state doesnt give us all our basic needs as people think. I was under the impression they got the essentials at least not the best of the best but what they need. Do those incarcerated need cash. I feel like he survived before me and he'll keep surviving after me.

I know in Texas where K is anyway he doesnt get the basics. He told me he has to buy deoderant and toothpaste and whatever else.
I thought exactly the way you think...he survived before I came along and I guess hes of the same attitude as well. He wont let me send a thing so I have sent him paper and not told him thats the only way I get away with it.

Originally Posted by gooddog

He may just be telling you that he's suffering, and that's fine, you can tell him about your suffering too! I do this all the time with my pp. BUT there's a big difference between a guy saying, "I'm hungry" or "I wish I had a TV" and sort of HINTING that you could help him out about those things. There is a difference. Is it just talking among friends or is it hinting that you should open your wallet?

My example always is, if a friend says to me, "my car just broke down and it costs 500$" I don't automatically think they are asking ME for the 500. But if they say, "my car just broke down and it costs 500 and I could really use some help"... that's a whole other conversation! Maybe he does need cash but that doesn't mean it's gotta come from YOU!

Good dog it's more on the lines my car is broke and I could really use some help. I am a free spirit who will help anyone, but I'm a mom with two kids, (father helps very well with them, no complaints there)', however I pay for a house a car car insurance and well a lot of things in between I just don't know about adding a grown man in the mix. Special things like B days of course but not every month I don't know. I was raised to believe men make there on way in life regardless of the circumstances.