Does your pen pal ever get in dark moods? That's what he calls it, I guess to me I'd call it depression. Anyway, mine does from time to time and I wonder what you do to deal with or help with them? If I'm honest I back off a little until I get a letter that seems brighter. That's just me, but I'm wondering if anyone has any better ideas on how to deal with them.

I read somewhere earlier on this week that nobody likes someone coming on trying to blow sunshine up their.................well, you know where when they feel like this.

Boy am I qualified to answer THIS one!!!! I've seen it with every person that I write but I'm truly only close enough to one of them to have "gone there" with him. By that I mean, really be privvy to it instead of just hearing about it in a letter (i.e, "I didn't write for months because I've been in a black mood.") I got two of those, too, ha ha! (Do I attract it?) I let them know that it's okay, I'm still here.

Anyhow, my close and dear pp and I almost lost our friendship over it in the beginning. He had no emotional language with which to explain what was actually happening to him so he'd just go dark. For weeks, months. Hard not to take that personally on this end. But: I guess I got under his skin enough by NOT walking away, sending disappointed letters, or getting down on him for it so that he started really opening up to me. When you are dealing with someone who maybe has not had others be there for them or has had a lot of problems, yeah... this could really be a new adventure for them, opening up and not just burying it like you're supposed to in prison.

He's an EXTREMELY emotional person who's been incarcerated since the age of 15 and had a rough road in life. Yep- his mood takes a hit sometimes. I spent about a year telling him over and over that it's ok to be in a bad mood or sad mood around me, I welcome it, still consider him a friend even if he's not "perfect" or entertaining me or being happy.

Sticking by him really paid off, now we spend lots of time talking about all kinds of stuff, his moods included. I find it extremely awesome. Mind you, he doesn't "take it out" on me, never has, and if he did I guess I'd see that as a lot less than awesome! (Probably wouldn't still be there.) It's not like the moods have anything to do with me and that was the number one lesson that I had to learn quickly. Do NOT take this personally.

I suggest, if possible, saying that you can be with it and don't want to abandon a friend just because they're down. Invite him to talk, and if he doesn't want to and goes dark, if you still feel like sticking it out, send little "hi, thinking of you" cards every once in a while just so they know you're there. If I hadn't done that, well, not sure I'd have my pp anymore really. He was that black. Loss of an appeal, longer sentence than he thought was going to be happening. Yep, I'd be in a black mood too.

Sometimes they do go in that cave, it's true, and maybe sometimes you can't or shouldn't follow... but I think a sticking by them attitude may make a breakthrough. Worked for me. Then, you have a loyal friend and guess what, when you're in a bad mood, they can listen to that too!

That loyalty means a LOT in prison. Again, not everyone can allow this and surely do not let anyone take out any stuff on you.

Thanks! Yes, my pp was always in trouble with the law when he was a teen too. So having spent youth in juvies and camps for troubled youth I'm sure that he's not good with spilling emotions. The trouble with prison is that they are meant to "bury it" as you said or "be a man about it".

Basically he's in a step down program and at the point where he could get out of the step down and someone (another inmate) is trying to cause trouble and he's trying to back down. He said "this may not seem like much to you but to me this situation is anything but minor" And I get where he's coming from and I only really know about prison politics through him. So I'm guessing that I have to continue to be supportive without coming on too strong. It just seems tough to navigate where I can empathize with the situation he's in without really having much knowledge of the situation he's in.

Originally Posted by Selly

Thanks! Yes, my pp was always in trouble with the law when he was a teen too. So having spent youth in juvies and camps for troubled youth I'm sure that he's not good with spilling emotions. The trouble with prison is that they are meant to "bury it" as you said or "be a man about it".

Basically he's in a step down program and at the point where he could get out of the step down and someone (another inmate) is trying to cause trouble and he's trying to back down. He said "this may not seem like much to you but to me this situation is anything but minor" And I get where he's coming from and I only really know about prison politics through him. So I'm guessing that I have to continue to be supportive without coming on too strong. It just seems tough to navigate where I can emphasize with the situation he's in without really having much knowledge of the situation he's in.

This is the EXACT thing we talk about constantly. Using that exact phrase, "be a man." Along comes me saying: "you are a human being privvy to a full range of emotions." Hmmm... put that in your pipe and smoke it, lol!!!!
If it's right: be there for him. Listen to it. Sometimes there's advice to offer and sometimes there isn't. Sometimes it's just listening, just someone from the outside listening that isn't all wrapped up in the BS in there. Yes, it can be tough to navigate.

I say a lot of stuff but ALWAYS with the caveat that I don't have knowledge of what it's like and that if I get it wrong, he should tell me, so that takes away the fear of me coming on like some authority on his life. (not.)

For them to go through the changes that it takes to change their life for the positive is a BIG deal. Let him know that even little steps he can make toward positivity in the situation may turn out to make all the difference. That's cool that he even shared with you what it is that's bothering him. That right there is a huge step. Mine was like a granite rock and I'd come patiently sit by the rock and wait for it to talk to me, lol! I'm so glad I did it. But see, that's just unusual actually because I'm not one to "force" myself on anyone. Usually I walk away if it seems like someone wants me to. I don't want to say "it's a test" because I don't think they consciously do it, but... if you have staying power, yeah, you do pass a test that you didn't walk away when times were low.

(Provided of course they are still being respectful and whatnot.)

Yes, I think any time he has ever complained about his predicament (and it's rare) he has a quick moan and then says "well, I shouldn't be crying to you, better to be a man about it" So when he goes "dark" its because he doesn't have anything happy to say or any jokes to tell me and so he feels he shouldn't write, at least that's the way I'm seeing it. Anyway, thank you a thousand times Good dog because that has really helped, I've kind of read the letter over and over tonight and knew I shouldn't respond until I had really thought about it. I'll probably get around to formulating a letter at the weekend.

Ha ha! Yeah, I listened to "I shouldn't be crying to you, better be a man about it" for about 2 years straight until I finally infiltrated the rock!
My comeback is: "we are all aware that you are a MAN. Try being a HU-MAN."
Now I got him reading books and improving his ability to touch his own humanity! Well, not *I* got him to do it... he was open to it.

You can get away with a lot when it's not in person.

Oh, see I'm almost at the two year mark. How funny. I swear we can't be writing the same guy though

Yeah, the magic 2 year mark. I'm on year 3+ but it was the year 2 mark when I got a lot braver about talking to him about his emotions more. I'd say that it took that long for him to trust me and for me to be brave enough to think I should say something or even offer advice.

One thing that I think was really helpful is that I always let him know that I am NOT a "aww, cheer up" kind of person. I advocate for being in your real self which if that means a really sh*tty mood, then so be it. I absolutely hate it when I'm feeling angry or sad and someone tries to push it away by "cheer up" talk...grrrrrr! So I never would do that to anyone else. I know it's the socially unacceptable way to be but it's how I am. I hate shallowness and "let's just talk about the weather." I think that was like permission that I really did mean it, that I wasn't there for my own entertainment and that 5 minutes of his venting about crap going on in there is really not harming me in any way.

Gooddod, is it ok if I private you with a question. I have a problem you We might be ableto help me with.

Originally Posted by JoshA

Gooddod, is it ok if I private you with a question. I have a problem you We might be ableto help me with.

Sure! you/we might be able to help, lol!