So I've been writing my pen pal in Texas for three months. At first we just sent letters back and forth but I found JPay pretty quickly into this and usually reply to his letters this way and send something to him everyday. He likes to get mail everyday and he gets lots on Monday.

I send snail mail letters about every two weeks if I want to include pictures or I printed something for him. Things have been going good, we have a lot in common and our letters seem to flow back and forth. This ONE letter that I sent snail mail though I said something that upset him. He totally took what I said out of context and misunderstood what I was trying to say. He made a lot of assumptions that just weren't true. I got this letter yesterday so I wrote him a response on JPay and now I just don't know what to do. Do I continue to send him mail every day acting like nothing happened or do I wait for him to respond to my JPay explaining what I meant.

This is REALLY hard for me. You write letters and hope that the person is understanding what you are saying when and then you get a letter that clearly shows that he did not. If I was in a room with him we'd be able to talk about it and have a conversation about it and it would probably be cleared up in about 10 minutes. This is different though. You explain yourself and then have to wait for their response. I just feel really weird writing him when I know he is upset like everything is okay. I'm not sure what to do here.

Maybe wait a few days for him to have a chance to respond?

Not knowing what was said its hard to give adequate adive but I would continue writing as you normally would but of course try to explain yourself and just leave it at that. That's what I would do.

i would hold off - wait until you hear from him.

I've never been in this situation myself, so I'm probably not the best person to give advice. If I were in your shoes though, I would wait for a reply instead of acting like nothing happened. It's better you sort the misunderstanding out first.

Welcome to the world of communication......just think about it logically, many times here people are able to interact with one another, sometimes we respond immediately, others times not. I KNOW without a doubt assumptions have been made here on the forum, things have been taken out of context. This is all apart of communication when you only have the written word to rely on. That is why it is so important to understand good communication skills, verbal, paraverbal and non verbal. Really take time to understand what the other is trying to share, not concentrating on YOUR thoughts amongst other things because two of these components are missing when you read the written word, but i am sure most have a good understanding of that including yourself.

I think over time you learn to deal with misunderstandings, because even in the best of relationships (inside of a prison setting) i can tell you they happen. Personally what i do if something has been misunderstood, is i make it clear how i feel, that although that is what the other has interpreted it was not the way i intended to convey my message. I try not to get upset because in reality non verbal messages account for around 55% of what is being perceived. I apologize and let the other know that was not my intention, so maybe i have not effectively communicated. I do it here on WAP many a time.

I would not ignore what he shared, pretending all is well when it is not, but i would not hold onto it. Meaning i would say my peace, wait for his response but in the mean time continue to share your thoughts and time with him like you normally do. The best advice i can honestly give you while still getting to know each other, is accept this will come up until you both have a deeper understanding of what the other person is all about. Hopefully there will be a time when misunderstandings or ineffective communication takes place you will not doubt what the other meant because you know each other so well, you will know what was shared or the way you interpreted was not meant in that frame work.

I don't think it is easy for any of us at times when you care about what someone thinks and feels, especially if they run with their thoughts on what you meant and they are worlds apart.

Originally Posted by smiley

I would not ignore what he shared, pretending all is well when it is not, but i would not hold onto it. Meaning i would say my peace, wait for his response but in the mean time continue to share your thoughts and time with him like you normally do. The best advice i can honestly give you while still getting to know each other, is accept this will come up until you both have a deeper understanding of what the other person is all about. Hopefully there will be a time when misunderstandings or ineffective communication takes place you will not doubt what the other meant because you know each other so well, you will know what was shared or the way you interpreted was not meant in that frame work.

This /\

If you've been sending him 4 or 5 emails a week and then you suddenly stop, on top of the current misunderstanding, he's just going to think he can't express himself to you without you getting pizzy.

This has happened to me before but the other way around. I took something he said totally out of context but he kept writing everyday and me too (I send him a Jpay daily) then we spoke about it well he explained and I felt stupid.
I think if he stopped writing then id feel worse because of that so luckily we talked round it then when I got his reply on that we spoke about it then just carried on as usual.
I would just keep writing because he will wonder if thats kinda the end if you stop if hes used to getting a letter daily as well then just explain it to him then thats it put it behind you both theres not a lot you can do until you hear what he has to say then you can work on it then.

Perhaps the best way to clear up any misunderstanding is by using the simple phrase, "I'm sorry". That should overcome his male ego and allow him to reciprocate with similar words and perhaps explain what caused him to blow up. This writing business is all about getting to know each other, and there are bound to be stumbling blocks. Hopefully, you can discuss the problem, learn from it, and then share a good laugh over it. Good luck with it and Happy Writing. :-)

It was just an eye opener I guess. Here we were everything going back and forth and then I realize that he's upset about something I wrote 2 weeks ago. If I send him a JPay usually I'll get a letter response back to it within 5 days. I think I will just keep the important stuff in JPay's and if I want to send pictures or anything I'll do that snail mail. I can't imagine how it would be if I had to wait a month like some. It would drive me bonkers.