thinking about my man. We started off as pen pals and that name has been taken out and replaced with boyfriend. Over the past year he and I have shared everything and we both know he can't be her physically and we have spent many hours talking how to deal with that. He said that he was okay with me having an outside relationship besides him and I have tried but all I can think about is him. It makes me so upset. We talk everyday, write during the week and I love him. I know he loves me he just knows he can't provide all that I need, so he says. I guess I want to know how some of you deal with this. Am I crazy? I would never be in a relationship that the person couldn't deal with the relationship I have with him yet I don't know if I could have another relationship without thinking about him. Ugh........

i have no advice on how to deal with that, but i do want to make a comment about something you said:

Originally Posted by Finkers08

He said that he was okay with me having an outside relationship besides him...

no. just.... no. most of the time (and i'm not saying this is your case, just most of the time) when someone on the inside tells someone on the outside that it means one of three things. (1) they're telling you that because they're not committed. like, "you do your thing and i'm going to do mine." (2) they're testing you to see if you're loyal to them. or (3) they're getting you to commit to them and when they get out they're going to go play their games and have the "well you were with other people too!" excuse.

committing to a relationship with anyone, inside or out, means having to make some sacrifices in one way or another. if you're not willing or able to make the sacrifices then you shouldn't be in a relationship.

I get what your saying. He has LWOP and feels that he can't do certain things or provide certain things. His ex left him because of this and I am fine commiting and giving 100% and thinks that I need someone to fill the spots he can't.

i didn't mean to be harsh if i came across that way, so please don't think i was.

it's not an easy relationship to say the least. it gets frustrating for both parties. but as i said, i can't give advice as i've never been in your situation. i do know how some of these guys think though, through various conversations from many incarcerated people, and what i said up there was told to me by more than one person.

I didn't think hash at all. I appreciate the honesty,Just sitting here eating pretzles and mustard with wine. Not the best combo.

I'm not sure I could have a romantic relationship with someone that had LWOP. Not saying that there is anything wrong with it at all just that I need to have that physical connection with someone. I'm not talking sex either because you can have that with anyone. Just the closeness of sharing your life with someone in person. My pp in Texas asked me what I would happen if I did fall in love? He said people get married all the time while they are in prison. I was honest and said that I would not be able to do that and I would never marry someone that had no chance of ever getting released. It's especially hard if you aren't in the same location and do not visit often. There are some people that are able to do that though. BUT I would draw the line at having that type of relationship, committing yourself, professing love AND having a relationship outside of that. It would be same same thing as cheating IMO. Just because they are in prison, if you commit the them, you should be faithful. If you can't do that they I would be sure to keep the relationship as friends only.

I agree with what's been said so far, even the "you can do what you need to on the outside" bit - except that if you DID do what you need, you would almost certainly find that he cannot deal with it quite as well as he thought he would, so if you are going to, DO NOT tell him.

Now, the way I am, if I can't tell Hubby about something, then I simply cannot do it.

If he had been given LWOP or been put on DR, I would not have married him. I could not commit to that kind of relationship with the restrictions it entails within TDCJ although I certainly would not have dropped him as a friend. What we have at visits now is by no means ideal, but it gets us by and we have a focus on when he will eventually come home. To do this without those things, for me, would be impossible.

It's OK for you to have sad days about it all. It's not a bed of roses every day no matter how close your relationship is. But if you find you are having those sad days more than the normal or happy ones then you have to make a decision: either you make yourself go out more and do more fun things and fill your life with good memories to share with him, or you tell him that you can't commit to the relationship anymore. Love is not supposed to make you unhappy, and unhappiness resulting from a situation you cannot change will not go away or get better.

I agree with whats been said too. I spoke to my guy about this very thing because I was talking about something well anyway what he said to me was guys say that to the women to see what they will say. They say that because they think the woman is going to do it anyway so they might as well agree to it and yep what Mox said they are testing you to see if you are loyal or not.
I know my guy would never say that to me but Id never think about it either but then hes getting out of there it must be a whole different ball game with a guy whos LWOP that said though I dont think id actually be with him in the first place.

Originally Posted by Finkers08

thinking about my man. We started off as pen pals and that name has been taken out and replaced with boyfriend. Over the past year he and I have shared everything and we both know he can't be her physically and we have spent many hours talking how to deal with that. He said that he was okay with me having an outside relationship besides him and I have tried but all I can think about is him. It makes me so upset. We talk everyday, write during the week and I love him. I know he loves me he just knows he can't provide all that I need, so he says. I guess I want to know how some of you deal with this. Am I crazy? I would never be in a relationship that the person couldn't deal with the relationship I have with him yet I don't know if I could have another relationship without thinking about him. Ugh........

So when he talks about "outside relationship" is he just talking about sex and taking care of business, or does he mean as in relationship where you are totally involved with another man, and do all together as any other couple would? Because their is a big difference, depending on what his definition of "relationship" is.

I have talked to my fiance about this, and we both agree that infidelity is something neither of us would tolerate. When you enter into a relationship with someone who is incarcerated, you make a commitment to that person the same way you do with someone in the freeworld. Would either of you tolerate the other having sex with others then?

I have to agree with Moxie; he's either testing you or he has another agenda. When you know how possessive these guys get with the smallest of things, I can't believe he would be willing to share his woman with another man.