I've been reading a few sites with tips on writing to penpal's. One of the things they all have in common is not to bring up, or ask about your penpal's crime. I received a letter yesterday from my penpal in Washington and he said that he wouldn't volunteer anything about his crime but if I asked that he would be honest with me.

Can someone shed some light on why this is? We all know that they are in prison and what they were convicted of. Maybe because I chose 2 penpals that say they are innocent that they have no problem talking about it, which makes sense.

My penpal in Washington is convicted of Rape. That's all it said. He told me that before I asked that I need to make sure that I really want to know. This tells me that I most likley am not going to like the details.

On one hand people here say to make very sure that you are willing to write to a person before you do and do your research. On the other hand, some people feel that googling someone or trying to find out about their crime is an invasion of privacy.

I don't know if a charge of rape can be given if it involves a child or not. I'm not sure if I could write to someone convicted of that. I don't want to ask him and then have it be something that I would have to stop writing him after he told me because that doesn't seem right to make him tell me and then drop him. I also don't want to NOT know either. I'm not really sure what to do here.

I would be very careful about asking, especially with regards to a crime like rape. I can only speak for myself here, but for me details are very much a no no with such things. Details make things far more real than just seeing 'Rape'. I understand that you feel like you want to know....but at the same time, are worried that knowing may cause you to break the friendship.Given that you are only pursuing a pen-pal relationship, I woud suggest you do not ask for any more details.

Not being rude here........So if you know he is convicted of rape and you are happy to write understanding what the act is, why do you even need to know the details? After all you are writing a person, not a crime.

Many of them don't want others in the prison to know what their crime is. They don't usually sit around discussing their various crimes along the line of 'So, what are you here for?'. If you discuss it through letters and the letters are found by another inmate it could be disastrous for them. Especially if they are in for a crime which involved a woman or child.

Many of them don't discuss their crime with a penpal because the whole point of having a penpal is to escape the prison life and talk about other things.

Originally Posted by smiley

Not being rude here........So if you know he is convicted of rape and you are happy to write understanding what the act is, why do you even need to know the details? After all you are writing a person, not a crime.

You aren't being rude . Anyway, I think he didn't mean "details" in that way and I wouldn't want to know that anyway. I just don't want to find out it was against a child. Maybe that makes me look bad and if it does so be it. Yes, I am writing the person but their crime does *did* have an important affect on their lives. Like I said, I am thinking out loud here and if you and I were in a room together having a debate it would be a lot easier!

FM, what you say makes sense and something I hadn't thought about.

My PP wrote that could ask him about anything, he seems to be very opened, but I will start to learn to now him as the perosn he is today, how his life is now and what the future looks like. i feel it is better if we will get back in time later on in our friendship. and i want to know more about what happend that put him away for so many years. I dont want to know any details.

i did google him before i wrote to him, therefore i know a little from the two newspaper articles i found. Why did i do that? i did it because some of the guys has ads, they have made my neck hair stand up when i have read about them, to horrible crimes simply and I did not want to risk to start writing to someone I already pre suspect I would find it hard to make friends with.

But first of all i want him to feel comfortable to write to me and vise versa, we can "talk" about the crime later.

Originally Posted by mountanddo

I just don't want to find out it was against a child.

It doesn't make you look bad, but it might put you in a difficult situation if it turns out that's what he's doing time for.

Personally, the crime is almost immaterial to me and I tend to write to those who others don't, so finding out later that the crime details were horrific isn't an issue. I know it's easy to say with hindsight, but maybe if you DO have lines you wont cross, googling people before writing to them is a good idea.

When choosing a pen pal, I purposely stayed away from any crimes against children and anybody who said they were innocent. Both of my pps told me at the beginning I could ask them anything I wanted but I never asked for any specific details about their crimes. I did tell one I was curious about it and he then told me the whole story but I've tried not to ask any questions. I want them to know I'm interested in them as people and not just their crimes. They've both opened up on their own but I try not to focus on their acts. My feeling is that we all knew who we were writing to when we picked these guys, so it's not fair to them to all of a sudden have a problem with what they did. Of course we're not going to think it's ok to have committed these crimes but we have to accept them as we got them.

Originally Posted by KatL

When choosing a pen pal, I purposely stayed away from any crimes against children and anybody who said they were innocent. Both of my pps told me at the beginning I could ask them anything I wanted but I never asked for any specific details about their crimes. I did tell one I was curious about it and he then told me the whole story but I've tried not to ask any questions. I want them to know I'm interested in them as people and not just their crimes. They've both opened up on their own but I try not to focus on their acts. My feeling is that we all knew who we were writing to when we picked these guys, so it's not fair to them to all of a sudden have a problem with what they did. Of course we're not going to think it's ok to have committed these crimes but we have to accept them as we got them.

Exactly. You are not condoning the crime by writing to the person.

i will not write to any one with crimes against a child/young adult. i also agree with another member, i won't write those that claim innocence or need legal help. there's lots of things i can over look but a sex/murder/abuse crime against a child is just soooo unforgivable and not the type of person i'd associate with even as a penpal.