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General Prison Talk Discuss Off the wall question in the Prison Related forums; If you were 20 and got engaged to someone who is in jail right now, but you don't want to ...
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    ImissHim's Avatar
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    Default Off the wall question

    If you were 20 and got engaged to someone who is in jail right now, but you don't want to tell your parents or many people at all. would you consider that person to be ashamed of her fiance in jail?

    I have one more question...

    When someone goes to diagnostic's, or whatever it's called where they watch them for so long before putting them in a prison, are you, the outsider, allowed to have any contact with that person? are yall allowed to send letters back and forth?
    Everything happens for a reason whether we ever know what that reason is or not.

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    Default Re: Off the wall question

    I have no say in whether that person is ashamed of her fiance in jail or not.
    But, I do think they should tell their parents, Its an important thing and its better to tell them now than them find out later.

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    LawDog is offline Junior Member
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    Default Re: Off the wall question

    From a personal perspective (opinion only) I would have to say that if you care enough about that person to become engaged, you should not have any problem attesting to that. If you keep that a secret, you probably weren't convinced enough that it was the right thing to do in the first place. And, personally, at the age of 20, I would hope that you'd give yourself a chance at life before tying yourself down to a relationship that is doomed to fail statistically.

    As to the Diagnostics facility, YES, you would still be able to correspond with the inmate. Visitation might be another story, but it depends on the regulations for that facility. Incidentally, the prisoner is not sent to the Diagnostics facility simply to "be watched for so long", but rather to undergo a series of tests (physical, mental, educational, etc.) to determine which facility would best provide whatever counseling / education services he might require.

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    Default Re: Off the wall question

    Hmmmmm, This is a easily confusing question. Well, you're 20 and in love so advice from a stranger probably won't mean a hill of beans to you. Here goes. Telling your parents and yall getting hitched should all happen after he has gotten out and shows he wants to stay out. Not SAYS he wants to stay out but, acts like it. I know I never said I wanted to go back but, my lifestyle did. What I did was not what I said I wanted. No one wants to go in.
    If he gets out and you can see he's going to make it, then decide whether to settle down with him. If he is no longer the person he was then your folks really can't snub your choice of beaus. I mean they should know that it's 2,000 years to late to marry the perfect man. Don't get married while he's still in. If he wants to leave the past in the past then remembering every Anniversery where the first was at wouldn't be helpful. Give him a goal - if he loves himself, he can love you. Just my 2 cents worth. Peace.

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    bad_girl_bex is offline Not Active
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    Default Re: Off the wall question

    I wouldn't get engaged to a prisoner/someone incarcerated full stop. Even if I lost the plot and thought I was in love with this person I'd never met/met in a visiting room half a dozen times, I'd still have the sense to wait until I'd had some real-world time with them before I got hitched.

    As for telling my parents. I'm 27. What I do with my life is my business and I don't necessarily tell my parents everything that goes on in it. But then, I'm a grown up and I don't have to seek their approval in anything. Conversely though, I don't withold stuff from them because I fear they'd disapprove; they know I'm a headstrong little madam and we disagree on many things. But I have no need to hide stuff from them because I'm afraid of the reaction. If I'm 100% happy with what I'm doing, why hide it?

    Would I tell my parent's if I was getting married?

    Hmmm...probably.

    If they're paying for it, they're probably gonna want an invite!!

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    Default Re: Off the wall question

    Lawdog, already answered the Diagnostic question.

    I would not consider them "you" to be ashamed of their/your fiance. Normally someone is excited to announce an engagement, so only you can answer that, as to how you feel in not doing so?

    I will say, your young and nothing needs to happen fast though.
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    smiley is offline Super Member
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    Default Re: Off the wall question

    I am not even going to comment about the age, because everyone's life experiences are different. Meaning some at age 20 have a great depth of maturity and some are still needing their nappies changed, so to speak.
    I always had the belief that you must be ashamed about your prison relationship if it is not out in the open, especially with your family. After all if you cannot share such important news with them, not worrying about the consequences then who? But through a friend, i saw another side. It had nothing to do with shame but more to do with fear. Sometimes we may not always understand why someone does what they do, but not everything needs to be understood. Somethings just need to be accepted
    Last edited by smiley; 02-24-2008 at 05:58 PM.
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    where your backbone ought to be.

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    Default Re: Off the wall question

    If I can share my experience... My pp and I started a relationship. My parents didn't even know I was writing a prisoner, I never bothered to tell them. Telling my parents about him was the scariest thing I had to do. Not because I was ashamed, but because I knew how they would react. It was even worse. They think I'm crazy. They honestly think something snapped in my head when I was in hospital when I was 19 (with a pulmonary embolism). This is not something you want to hear from your parents. It's ok now, I've learned from this experience.

    All I want to say is, that fear of telling something like this isn't necessarily shame. Although I had my doubts about myself at first... I guess the only one who can tell you if you are ashamed of the fiance of afraid for the reactions is yourself.
    I hope I make any sense here...

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    Default Re: Off the wall question

    Ok... let me clarify myself a little.... I knew and loved the guy before he was put in jail. I believe with all my heart that he didn't do what he was accused of and that, in time, he's going to come home the innocent man that he truly is. My parents know about him, they had met him like once before he was taken away from me. they know where he's at and all that stuff, and my mom knows I love him. do they like that? well would u like it if your baby was in love with a man in jail? no not really, they're just worried about me I know. when he asked me to marry him he knew and said it before he asked that he knows I want to wait until I get out of college, which will be like 3 years, so this isn't going to be a short engagement, and I won't marry him while he's in jail, he wouldn't ask that of me. I guess I'm just afraid b/c I know I'm young and I'm just scared on how they will react and what they would say, I mean they are my parents.
    Everything happens for a reason whether we ever know what that reason is or not.

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    Default Re: Off the wall question

    oh.. and thanks for the heads up on the diagnostics
    Everything happens for a reason whether we ever know what that reason is or not.

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