Hello all I have a quick question for you all. I have one pp that I have been writing since oct. its funny how we met because i never wrote to him i just wrote to his cell mate who i guess wasnt gonna write me back so im assuming he got my letter from him. with that being said 3 or 4 months later we are to the point we are at now. mind you i never ment hook up with anyone because i write to a few guys and we are all cool and two i like writing letters so this was up my ally but i happed he started talkeing and now we are talking about a relationship and im scared out of my mind b/c i dont know if he is playing or searious but i think he is serious b/c we just had our first phone conversation and my cell phone is turned off and he sent me money to get a cheap pre-paid phone so i can call and in his last letter he sent a pic of his son he is so very sweet but b/4 swept off my feet i wanted to run it by you guys to see what you think?

First I would ask myself if it is love or infatuation.....

Sometimes, love and infatuation can be quite confusing. What may seem like love or the feelings you get when you are really into someone could be infactuation. This is not uncommon to happen when writing inmates.In fact, it happens more than you would think. That is why I always suggest looking deeper at what you feel. The same goes for the other party.


Then I would ask myself....

If I would be willing to do the time with him. Although you are in the free world, you other half is incarcerated, and that plays a big factor in your life and lifestyle.


Then I would ask myself....

Am I willing to try this with someone who is incarcerated for x amount of time.... am I willing to put my life on hold for something that may or may not work out in the end.

Prison relationships are harder than other relationship you will have. In part, because many set out with the expectation that in the end it will all be fine and dandy. However, that is not always the case.

The inmates, who serve long sentences, or who frequent the prison system become institutionalized and the adjustment there after takes a lot of hard work and adjusting to life as a free man/woman. It isn't easy.

A prison relationship is something that may be fine in a controlled environment but may or may not change drastically when released. You have to ask yourself what are YOU looking for... and if you are willing to put time and effort into this knowing the odds are stacked against you.

I have asked myself all of these questions, and I have found peace in my own relationship. Before taking the next step, I would think about what is you want and what is you are willing to give up for this to take the next step.

I'd suggest you realize that MOST citizen-prisoner romances fail miserably.

This was something posted several years ago by a former member of this forum, who at one time, became the partner of a prisoner she fell in love with:

[<< "I'm sorry to rain on all of your parades but if I were you I would wait awhile and see what happens. It's called self preservation. As much as I'm sure these men are sweet and loving they do live in a different world and that world is so very different from yours.

I beg you do not change your lives just yet and move to be closer and maybe go into debt because of it.

It is very common for inmates after release to try and live through a very restless time which could last for months. Some are like lost souls and no matter how much you love them, they are likely to leave you.

Please for your own sakes, please take things slowly. Believe me, they will promise a lifetime of love,dedication and thanks for you being loyal. Remember your letters to them is a form of escape for them and a little peek at life on the outside. To have woman love them in their loveless world is so compelling for them. They begin to dream and fantasise about a wonderful love filled world with a woman who loves them. You both get caught up in it, and it's easily done. It's easy for us to get caught up because most of the men we have known have either hurt us or disappointed us in some way and left us alone again. Now you have found a man who is concerned about you, loves you, is interested in what you do and what you have to say and he sure isn't going around town two-timing you. You are the focus of his world.

Well ladies, once again I'm sorry to tell you that this fantasy world ends when he leaves prison. If you are lucky enough to have him come and live with you, the job of re-introducing him to the world lies with you and that could be a huge job. You have had no training and no experience of what it would feel like to be back in the free world after several years in prison.

I beg of you all, please be careful with your choices." >>]

I think it speaks volumes.

This member (a female) fell in love with her penpal. After a few months, they decided they were in love enough to be married. Within a year, they were. He was released a few years later, and they took up housekeeping together. The marriage fell apart, once they had time to actually live with each other on a 24/7 basis.

You're not going to find permanent, long-lasting, head-over-heels love with a prison inmate, no matter how confident and sure you feel about it. There are maybe ONE in SEVERAL THOUSANDS of these relationships that survive the prisoner's release.

It is SO easy to fall in love with the written/spoken word. Letters, phone calls, and occasional visits don't make a relationship. You have to KNOW this person inside and out. You will NOT accomplish that through correspondence, phone calls, and an occasional visit. Period.

very well said law

Law and Skye,
you guys was saying some real suff and that very ture. Law no worries I dont plan on moving to be with anyone free or not i like living rent free lol but seriouly i will take what you two said to heart. i guess if i was locked up i would be doing the samething it just that that this situation poped up like i said have other ppls and we just chill and we are cool its not like that. i never wrote to him i was writung someone maybe thats how is was able to sneak in through that back door lol but thanks you guys. dont worry i not gonna run off and get married i just needed an outside opinion on the situation

yea law when i read whut u just added it made me think of a term that people use it called jail hoiuse promise or something like that but like i said i wont runn off and marry anyone at this point im my life. so thank for bring me back to my real senses

Great advice and experience discribed above.

Very true statement from the past member also, the job of re-introducing him/her to the world lies with you, and is a huge job too. !!!

The odds are against them as individuals, let alone as a couple. No one wants to hire them, they tend to trust in the others with shady backgrounds as true friends, they will fall at times back to old ways and you have to be as clear as all you have in you, that is not going to work or we are done. They at times will see you as the enemy, if you stand up for what you will not be a part of or not look the other way, or belly up to.

Jon tried even though is financially set for life, a advantage most inmates do not have, for a job thinking he is ready now but, the workforce is not ready for him, a great let down and set back. He is going to try again he wants and needs the self pride in doing so and getting one and feel constructive.

It took lots of time but, now he see's in letters from inmate friends just how much his views and life has changed, just now seeing it. It shocks him like coming out of acoma. That I believe is that standard prison mentality they all have even though may not seem so in letters and calls.

Jon knew on release he would need to see a psycologist, and would need some meds for those rough times of stress and could not sleep. Both Jon and I would say, it has been a tough road not one many survive, he is still unsure some days if he can take the let downs society has put permanent blocks to overcome along with all his internal struggles.

We take ea day at a time, ea good thing and ea let down is the best we can do, now he is at the point he needs the self esteem just knowing he is again hireable and trusted now by the busniess world.
He is going to let up for a few weeks and keep trying again, which has been hard on him as a person as would any of us if shot down time and time again. I wish him luck one will pan out, so he does not feel like a outcast is the important part not the dollars. In most inmates case" add need of financial to all this since most again do not have that advantage Jon does there, of stress to boot.

Keep things in perspective and take things slow, you will have be able also to put your needs aside not like a regular marriage for sure, and most of your energy and time will be consumed for sometime.

peanut, I always enjoy your post about you and jon,. thanks for sharing this with us

I've got a pen pal that has been incarcerated for 23 years, he's sentenced to life in prison.....He told me straight out, he didn't want a romantic relationship, that that's not what he is looking for...just a friend, and he said that any man that suggest having a love relationship while incarcerated while serving a life sentence is being selfish. But what I really respect about him and others, mostly lifers, is that most of them are realistic, they are realist. They have settled into the idea that they have a life sentence, and have accepted it, to some degree. They know they can't be there for you the way a woman needs a man to be there, and visa versa....

So I ask you all...., do you think the amount of time being served is a big part of a decision about how involved to get?

thanks
Who am I to judge

Originally Posted by whoamitojudge

I've got a pen pal that has been incarcerated for 23 years, he's sentenced to life in prison.....He told me straight out, he didn't want a romantic relationship, that that's not what he is looking for...just a friend, and he said that any man that suggest having a love relationship while incarcerated while serving a life sentence is being selfish. But what I really respect about him and others, mostly lifers, is that most of them are realistic, they are realist. They have settled into the idea that they have a life sentence, and have accepted it, to some degree. They know they can't be there for you the way a woman needs a man to be there, and visa versa....

So I ask you all...., do you think the amount of time being served is a big part of a decision about how involved to get?

thanks
Who am I to judge

i have many that say the same.
does your friend or would your friend like a pen pal? if so pm me k