I'm in a bit of a "situation" right now with one of my pals who I have become close to over the years. Up until recently he was married, and knows that I live with someone. We have always maintained a friendship, but I could tell under the surface he wanted a bit more than I was willing to give, but we didn't go there out of respect for each other's significant others. Well....long story short; I recently decided to write another inmate where he is housed, but again, only as friends. To my surprise, this other inmate lives in the "house" next door to my pal and they are evidently big buddies. I received a rather condescending letter from this new would-be pal, basically saying that once my other pal knew it was me that wrote this guy, he immediately showed him my photo, my most recent letter to him, and told him about the man I live with, even giving him his name. He then went on to basically tell me he doesn't want to write me because of this, but asked if I had a friend who would be willing to visit him. Needless to say, I'm a tad confused as to why my other pal would do this since we are not a couple, and why this new guy would write me back such a letter. I also don't know why he felt at ease to share so much information with this new guy. Maybe I'm being naive here, but I guess more than anything I'm hurt that the pal I have known for a few years now, would react this way to my writing someone else. Also, my original pal has not written me since this guy got my letter, and he's usually pretty good about writing me right away. Any advice on how I should handle this, and any thoughts you have as to what the heck is going on here, is really appreciated. I need advice. Thanks.

I only have a few minutes until I have to go to work - so sorry if it's just a short and direct response

I'm not at all surprised about the response you received. As a "rule" you don't write two inmates in the same prison, because it just causes problems. Letters are precious gifts and when you see that another inmate is also receiving those precious gifts from your pp, how do you think it makes them feel? Also, you share information through your letters, if they find out you're writing an inmate in the same prison, they might start to wonder if you're sharing his information with the other person. I would write a letter to the original pp and explain my actions, why I wrote this guy and apologize for not seeing the consequences of my own actions. It should be okay to write several inmates, but NEVER at the same prison

Cat, I do agree with Zosja, it is always very dangerous to write to diffenrent pp's in the same institution, this is asking for troubles. Currently I had the request by a guy to write him, but I decided against it, because he was in the same facility, as one of my best pp's. Since they are at a high risk facility, I thought that it would be safer not to write this guy, because there is always a possebility that they would find of each other.

I don't have any emotional bonds with any of my friends when it comes to love I mean (i surely like them), but these guys see you more or less as "their personal friend", and they are kind of hoping that you are the "only one", and they are expecting this more or less from you, so it is not done that you write to somebody in the same facility (and by your friend, it seems they are even neighbours and friends). For the same money they could be "enemies" and that could cause severe problems.

So the reaction of your penpals is not that unusual.

Good luck,


Micky

Thank you for the candid responses. I guess I was just blown away by his response which was to '"tell all" to my new pal and not let us discover things on our own. I kind of feel like a piece of property I did not know belonged to someone else....He has not written me since the new guy wrote to me which I will now assume is a kiss off message.....

Hey Cat,
I'm gonna tell it my way that jibes with the others. Guys (and girls) in prison are for the most part selfish people. I know, I sure was. Anything I had that was unique was a status symbol. Be it a special radio, tattoo, talent or Penpal. You can bet your bottom dollar your original PP liked to flaunt your letters to his friends. I did. When one of his friends "looked out for him" by telling him about your letter, I can imagine the humiliation he felt at feeling that he was betrayed and it was common knowlege. Like the others said, it's cool to write more than one PP but, I don't even write to any in the same state in case one is transferred. PPs can spot an envelope from you in the middle of a stack of mail. So, it will come to light. Expand your horizons young lady and write coast to coast!!!!!!! Peace.

Thanks Max. I guess I was a real idiot with it.

I have not heard from him since the other guy wrote me back and "busted me" as it were. I guess he's history?

I'll miss him. I really had a connection with him. I even used to visit. Oh well.

Like I said, why not write HIM a letter (instead of waiting for one) and explain your motives for writing the other guy - explain how you were not aware of the problems it could create etc.

Don't wait for him to write - he knows you have been told of the situation. Write to him, tell him you had an error in judgement and just didn't think it through. Apologize to him for any trouble it might have caused or any ill feelings he may have experienced because of it. He was your friend first, you shared a lot between letters and visits....don't just let it go. Friends who share with you - and respect your boundaries - are not that easy to come by. I am sure he is hurt because you were his "special" penpal.

You're right about that. And I did write him a letter explaining and apologizing, I also wrote the other guy telling him I wanted to clear up any misunderstanding that may have occurred. I've tried to make sure I responded the best way I could. I guess I'm just hoping he'll write me right away, but maybe he needs time to think about it. I know now I screwed up BIG TIME. Thanks to everyone for all the advice. I appreciate it a lot.

Cat,
I ain't trying to pee in the punchbowl but, I feel like the others about losing something because you don't write first. You made an mistake, most of us do. Don't feel like the Lone Ranger. Let your PP hear your side and the ball is in his court. If he doesn't want to let it slide, keeps rehashing it or waits an overly long tie to accept your apology, don't plead for mercy. Even in matters of the heart, convicts regard that as a weakness and it will lessen you in his eyes. I can't tell you how to conduct your affairs but, if you want my advice, whne you do hear from him, expect a very blunt letter. When you reply, let him know that you have apologized but, are not going to kiss his butt to prove your sincerity. This will put the brakes on alot of future bad feelings. If he respects your "thoroughness", he'll be more apt to appreciate you.Peace.