Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Our store is considering banning your family from ever shopping with us again, unless your husband stops his antics.
Below is a list of offenses over the past few months... all verified by our surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "'Code 3' in Housewares!".. and watched what happened.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a camping tent in the sporting goods department, and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the Bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
...and last, but not least...
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A
very attractive blonde woman from Alabama arrived and bet
twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I
hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."
With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, "Come
on baby, Southern Girl needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a
stop, she jumped up-and-down and squealed. "YES! YES! I WON! I
WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings
and her clothes, and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each
other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The
other answered, "I don't know...I thought you were watching.

Moral ---
Not all Southerners are stupid.
Not all blondes are dumb.
But, all men.....are men.