General Prison Talk Discuss i've got a problem in the Prison Related forums; hi everyone. sorry i haven't been around lately.. actually for a good while. you can yell at me, i'm ready!
i've got a problem
hi everyone. sorry i haven't been around lately.. actually for a good while. you can yell at me, i'm ready!
i have a bit of a problem. i've had a romantic relationship with a prisoner for over a year, and i just realized we're about 90% incompatible. i came to this conclusion today when i went to see him. we sort of annoyed one another. we didn't fight, we simply disagreed with almost everything we were talking about. when you're in a room with someone like that it's hard to keep your composure, however i did it very well.
that day he offended me by saying something (but i forget what it was) and i took his hand off my leg and turned away from him a little. like i said i was trying to keep my composure. he called me "childish" and that i had an attitude. when i went home that day, i asked a few people if they thought i was the attitude type. they said no, i'm usually calm and understanding.
i go to see him every month. i'm only an hour away from him. so we've gotten to know one another in person for quite some time. he calls every once in a while and writes. but even those two have been coming less and less.
i don't know what to do. a relationship with a prisoner is hard to begin with, but to have a relationship with a prisoner who you disagree with 90% of the time is even more hard. what do you guys think?
I've been in situations where I've been talking to someone through email for a while and we meet and things are totally wrong, but you say you visit once a month which sounds like this wasn't the first meeting. If so, how could it be 90%? That's alot not to notice anything before. I am guessing you only dissagreed on 90% of the stuff on this meeting right? What about the other meetings, were they ok? It could be your standard relationship thing that happens with people who are just not on the same wavelength one day, people have their bad days, I'm sure it's easy to have a bad day for them too. Then again it could be that he's bored and tired of keeping up an act. It's so hard to know, but if someone is disrespectful to you, you have to ask how will it be in the future? Better or worse, unfortunately probably worse, not even because of the incarceration thing, it's just human nature. From a man's point of view, it sounds like he is pulling away I am sorry to say, but in case all your other meetings were great and this was just one bad one, see how it goes through the next couple of phone calls and letters and if he continues to pull away, the smart thing to do for your heart is to let him.
First let me say WELCOME BACK!!
Next, let me tell you that I've been in the same position as you're in. I, too, questioned things when the disagreements began. However, you have to understand that at visit, you have to cram everything into just a few hours. Thought and emotion wise, that is. It makes an already hard relationship, even more difficult. Not only that, it leaves you with doubts filling you're head, until you can settle the disagreements and such.
My advice is to think about what you really want from this relationship. Do you really want him to cave into believing the way that you do, or the way you WANT him to? I'm sure you don't, as you wouldn't want to be expected to change your thoughts or opinions on certain issues either. You can accept some things as just being his point of view. You know, kinda like agreeing to disagree. Neither of you have to be right, and neither of you have to be wrong that way.
As far as not being compatible. Take it from me, someone who has been there. Don't compromise your own thoughts and opinions for the sake of someone else. If you believe in something, then standing up for what you believe in is neither 'childish' nor overbearing. It is simply YOUR belief. In my opinion, he should respect it as such. Much like we here at WAP may not always agree, but we do understand and RESPECT another persons point of view or opinion on a matter.
If you feel that you're not compatible, your friend may also be feeling that way. That would explain why the decrease in his letters and calls. However, he may be reluctant to tell you this, for fear of losing out on a great friendship. (You know, sometimes a great friendship is ruined when you choose to take it further, and it simply doesn't work out.)
I would think the thing to do would be to think things through and decide what you truly want out of this relationship. Does he give you what you want from it for the most part? What you seem to disagree on, is it really important to you? Do you still care deeply for this person in spite of the conflict? Things of that nature.....
Once you've searched your mind and your heart, the answer to your problem will become clear. The next step would be to sit down and write him a long letter, telling him your feelings. It could be beneficial to you both, as he may be thinking along the same lines but can't find the words to tell you or describe his feelings.
I'm willing to bet this is just a 'bump in the road' and things will work themselves out. I'll tell you a motto an old teacher used to tell his class all the time. It's true and it might help you better think things through: Always be true to your highest and best self, then, you can never be false to anyone, in any way.
I hope this helped. I wish you much luck!
LitLizzie...what great advise 2bit, and Lovethatgater gave to you...and from a mans prespective...I could not ask to recieve anymore...gd4or
I have two questions for you. First question, is; do you have feelings for him? Were you hurt when he acted that way? And secondly, have you thought about why possibly he may be writing less?
My pp (which I'm marrying him) but he's not the greatest writer. However, since I told him it's VERY important for him to step it up and write to me more, he's been writing just about every day....
So maybe your pp isn't a writer?
Lizzie, several years ago I was in a similar situation although we were a little more compatible but as the saying goes "hindsight is 20/20" and there were signs along the way that I didn't see at the time so I hung in there. BIG mistake!
Pay attention to the signs and don't excuse them away or compromise who you are for him or anyone!
thanks for all the replies.
i haven't just seen this going on, i just haven't realized it was a problem until now. i'm specifically talking about the incompatibility. the lack of writing was more so just an itch. does that make sense?
now how we're getting along and the lack of writing is now getting to me. some would say the lack of writing is petty.. but when it comes to a relationship that the one person is in prison, you don't get to see him much, and phone calls are pricey there's only one other way to keep in touch and that's through letters. i don't care if the letter is only half a page, it's the fact that he took time to write that half a page.
and that whole relationship is a 20/20 partnership is how i feel it should be, especially when it seems like i'm the one who always has to change the way i feel. but a 20/20 relationship isn't how it should be. no one should have to comprimise how they feel to make the other happy. letting the disagreement go is another thing.. which i do. i haven't changed the way i felt, i just let things go. so i agree that's how it shouldn't be. it should be more of an understanding than anything else.
to answer some questions.. yes, i do have feelings for him. if i didn't i wouldn't be sitting here thinking of how to handle this because i don't want to let it go, i've let it go enough. yes, i was hurt when he acted that way. i was hurt when he offended me. but i was more sad or troubled by the way we're incompatible and wonder WHY we are, cause to be honest, this is the first time i've ever had this problem with anyone i ever came in contact with. i've thought why he was writing less. maybe he just doesn't have anything to say.. hell, maybe he just doesn't want to write. then again, maybe he's distancing himself from me. maybe he doesn't want anythign to do with me anymore. i could go on and on =P he might not be the "writing type" but for a year he'd write me several times a month, maybe three letters a week. sometimes only one a week. now i'm lucky to get one a month. he tells me i'm writing less and he wants me to write more.. and i've told him, "well, you know that goes both ways." but nothing has changed besides me writing a little bit more. I'M the one doing more because he wants more out of me. and now i'm fed up. as much as i care for him, i don't know if all this is worth it. i'm not the begging type and i've pretty much done that. i'm done doing that cause it makes me look like an *** and makes me feel pathetic. don't all of you agree? i'm not asking if i LOOK like an *** so don't go saying yes! hehe.
it's time for me to stand up for how i feel, not what i believe, but how i feel. and if nothing changes i'm done.
one more thing. someone brought this up in one of their posts. i have asked him if we should take a step back in our relationship and he completely disagreed. saying, no no, why should we?? but the way i feel i see it differently, especially with how everything is going.
thanks again for the replies. i appreciate it.
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