One of my pps was released and is on intensive probation, he lives in the same area as I do, we are very close friends ( even befor prison) over the weekend his mom called to let me know he had skipped out and she hadnt seen him in days. I was in shock and disbelief because he has been doing so good with all the meetings and counseling and his P O really seemed to be nice. well I called him told him to go home turn himself in and start again his mom called me yelled at me and said " you want him back in prison what kind of a friend are you suppose to be?" I didnt even know what to say so I just hung up. I thought I was being a friend but to her this 32 year old man is a baby and she treats him like its the systems fault he has been in and out of jail/ prison for years. I just want him to over come all this and I thought I was being a friend. I have a way to call him and I just need some advice on what to say to him. I want him to turn himself in befor they catch him.

Dear scoobgirl,

You are right, and of course, his mother is wrong on her logic.

I would tell him to go see his parole officer, as soon as possible.

I would also let him know, that if he has violated his probation, they will catch up to him, eventually, and the consequences will be worse. I think you are a great friend to him. I wish him luck. Please keep in mind that it was his actions that got him in this situation, however I wouldn't tell them that.

It still looks way better, no matter what the outcome, if he turns himself in, rather then them finding him, because they will find him.

I hope for the best for both of you.

Please let us know how things turn out.

Diana

If he doesn't turn himself in, bang goes any parole he's earned, and probably any chance of further parole in the future. Is it possible he's on the run from someone in his past? That's the only reason I can think of that he'd risk going awol. If so, you've GOT to impress upon him it's in his best interests to contact the authorities/probation officer and BE HONEST with them. Plus you could be implicated in assisting his escape if it ever came out that you were in touch with him and didn't tell the authorities (as if you would!), which puts your future in peril. Then he needs to contact his mum and get her off your case - it's not fair that you are caught in the middle.
As for his mum treating him like a baby, believe me when I tell you that I'm a 48 year old bloke and my mum STILL tries to 'mother me', so don't be surprised by that !
Please keep us posted
Ian UK

Dear scoobgirl,

Ian is exactly right. It puts you in a bad position as far as knowing he's gone.

That's why you have him impress upon him to turn himself in.

You didn't do anything wrong; its just having the knowledge that he's off and you know where to contact him.

Just don't let him stay with you!

We'll be thinking of you!

Diane

You are being a good friend. If my pal was in that situation, I would encourage him to do the same. If he doesn't do it now, he could have his probation/parole revoked and be in jail/prison again. I would explain to him that you are concerned and that YOO DO CARE, and that your goal is to have him here in the free world and not back in prison and let him know you are there for him.

It is hard at times for inmates to adapt to the free world once they have been in for a while. Especially when they go in and out constantly. Not saying that yours goes in and out constantly, because I don't know his situation.

His mother is not helping him by sheltering him. It is easy for the system to become a way of life for some individuals and some family members see it for what it is and others make excuses for it and/or place the blame elsewhere.

I have family members who have been in and out of prison for many many years. My aunts and uncles will tell you that it's not their fault that they keep going back in, yet it's their actions that lead them right back in. My cousin got a federal charge and was on probation and quit going to see the P.O. and ended up in federal prison. My Aunt will tell you it is not his fault he had to serve the time in prison, while all of us know that had he done what he was supposed to, he would be free.

From the sounds of things, it seems like you are a really good friend to him, and he will need someone like that, as the adjustment period can be a rocky one. My advice to you is to just let him know how you feel from the heart and be honest.

thank you all for your help and I thought I was doing he right thing. as for the way I contact him its a cell phone he will not tell me where he is he will just answer if he knows its me. I wish I could get ahold of his P O I dont know how to I would let him know Im willing to help I have nothing to hide I care about my friend and I dont want him to go back. I did talk to him for a second and he said he cant go back now because he will have a violation also for having a "dirty urine sample" I hate drugs and I thought he was clean and sober, so I have been an idiot to think he would get out and be "good" sorry for ranting Im just really upset and in shock.

'Ranting' as you put it is one of the reasons this forum works - you can unload on like minded people who understand what you're going through - there's certainly no need to appologise
Ian UK

The thing about drugs is that they are addictive. It is very hard to kick the habit. It isn't until one is ready to take responsibility for him/herself and his/her actions and admit they have a serious problem. Addiction grabs ahold of a person and it's up to that person to make the decission to move past it. He/She with an addiction will never really kick the habit , be it drugs or alcohol until he / she is fully ready to. That is the sad part about it. It is best he be honest now with his p.o. or it will only get worse than just a dirty urine sample.

The best thing you can do is be there for him and continue to support him. There is no way to force him off of drugs or alcohol He has to be willing to do that himself.

Hi great advice on here as always. COuple of things I wanted to add, firstly it would be a good idea to find out why he is on the run as previously stated it may be from someone. It is very hard for people to cope on the outside and if they fall back in with old crowds it is a complete nightmare as more often than not they will help them back to old ways. With regards to the dirty pee test if he has smoked marujuana it will be in his system for about 28 days, if he has taken cocaine then it will be 24 hours and he needs to drink lots to help it through. Again he may have taken something because he felt he had to "join in". Why not ask him if he will tell you the problems and let you speak to the PO to discuss through and what the implications are now if he turns himself in. If you try all the advise given and nothing works then I am afraid you are going to have to let him make his decisions and just be there as a friend. Please try not to let it drag you down emotionally too, I know all too well how easy that is to happen.

Dear scoobsgirl,

I can understand that you are very upset and in shock. I think that you have done all you could for him, and I think the rest is up to him.

Please don't feel foolish for believeing him, as you thought he was clean and sober.

Sometimes, a lot, in fact, they will not tell you that they are planning to use or the true extent of their drug history.

Sky is right! You are a good friend to him.
I don't know for sure if you are obligated to turn him in; but I'm sure someone else here does know the answer to that. It's probably better if you don't contact him anymore. They will find him soon enough.
You did all you could!

Please let us know how you are doing, and feel free to "vent" all you need to!

That's what we're here for!

Diane