Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David, he rocked Goliath to sleep.

Q. Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a stone from his slingshot?
A. It had never entered his mind before?

Q. After the flood, how many people left the ark ahead of Noah?
A. Three, because the Bible says that Noah went forth out of the ark.

Q. Where is the first mention of insurance in the Bible?
A. When Adam and Eve needed more coverage.

Q. What is the best way to get to Paradise?
A. Turn right and go straight.

Q. Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
A. In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel.

Q. Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
A. When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.

Q. Who was the straightest man in the Bible?
A. Joseph; Pharaoh made a ruler out of him.

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
A. Ruthless.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. What was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.

Funny...

Funny how $10 looks so big when we take it to church and so small when we take it to the store.
Funny how big an hour serving God looks and how small 60 minutes are when spent playing golf, fishing or playing bridge.
Funny how laborious it is to read a chapter in the Bible and how easy it is to read 2-300 pages of a best selling novel.
Funny how we believe what a person or newspapers say, but question what the Bible says.
Funny how we can't think of anything to say when we pray and don't have any difficulty thinking of things to talk about to a friend.
Funny how we need 2 or 3 weeks to fit a church event into our schedule, but can adjust it for a social event at the last minute.
Funny, isn't it?

After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel. They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden. One of the boys asked, "What's that?" Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of house and home."


"There will be a meeting of the Board immediately after the service," announced the pastor. After the close of the service, the group gathered at the back of the auditorium for the announced meeting. But there was a stranger in their midst. He was a visitor who had never attended their church before. "My friend," asked the pastor, did you understand that this is a meeting of the Board?" "Yes," said the
visitor, "and after that sermon, I'm about as bored as you can get!"


A preacher phoned the city's newspaper. "Thank you very much," said he, "for the error you made when you announced my sermon topic for last Sunday. The topic I sent you was 'What Jesus Saw in A Publican.' You printed it as 'What Jesus Saw in a Republican' I had the biggest crowd of the year!"


The chairman of the pastor search committee informed the congregation: "Next Sunday our visiting preacher will be the Rev. Bill Oaks. If you would like to see the other preachers, you will find them hanging in the vestibule."


Minister: Do you know what's in the Bible?
Little Girl: Yes. I think I know everything that's in it.
Minister: You do? Tell me.
Little Girl: OK. There's a picture of my brother's girlfriend, a ticket from the dry cleaners, one of my curls, and a Pizza Hut coupon.

"Top Ten Gifts Given the First Christmas That Aren't Mentioned in the Bible"

10. "I Luv Bethlehem" bumper sticker.
9. Subscription to "Better Homes and Stables."
8. Rain Check at the Bethlehem Holiday Inn.
7. A tube of "Deep Heat" (from the shepherds who were "sore afraid&quot.
6. Lifetime membership to the "Good Shepherd Society".
5. McNally's Guide to Egypt.
4. Movie passes to "Star Trek: Journey to THE King."
3. Book: "All You Wanted to Know About Being Human But Were Afraid To Ask!"
2. A T-Shirt (infant size) with "My Dad's Out of This World!," written on it.
1. SON glasses.

"Top Ten Reasons for Joining the Choir"

10. Your running out of clean clothes and the choir robes save on laundry.
9. You've just been selected for jury duty and want to get used to sitting with a group of people.
8. Your church is so full you want to ensure that you always have a seat.
7. The collection plate is never passed to the choir.
6. There's a clock at the back of the sanctuary and you want to be the first to know when it's 12:00.
5. The preacher is new and you want to be close by in case he says something heretical.
4. For years you've wanted to know who sits in the back pews but were always afraid to turn around.
3. You've been known to nod off during the service and don't want the preacher to catch you.
2. The chairs in the choir are the most comfortable in the sanctuary.
1. Your favorite movie is Sister Act!

"Noah's Top 10"

10. Strange! We haven't seen another boat for weeks.
9. If only I'd brought along more rhino litter!
8. How many times around this place makes a mile?
7. I never want to sleep in a waterbed again.
6. I wonder what my friends are doing right now.
5. An outboard motor would have made this more exciting!
4. Fish for supper--again?
3. Does anyone have more Dramamine?
2. What? You don't have film to photograph the rainbow?
1. I should have killed those darn mosquitoes when I had the chance!


"Top 10 Ways of Knowing You've Joined the Wrong Church"

10. The Pastor refers to God only as "Jehovah" and constantly exhorts the congregation to "witness"
9. New members are required to submit W-2's for the last 10 years.
8. Pastor regularly attends meeting at Las Vegas and Atlantic City.
7. The media refers to the church facilities as a "compound".
6. You discover the church refers to the 10 commandments as the 10 suggestions.
5. The Women's Quartet are all married to the pastor.
4. The chancel cross has been replaced with a bronze pyramid.
3. Pastor preaches an eloquent sermon on ancient heresies and the elders want to make them part of the doctrinal statement.
2. The New Member's kit includes a Bible, church-by-laws, and an UZI.
1. The Pastoral Search Committee announces that they discovered a problem with their one good candidate-she's divorced.


"Top 10 Reasons To Go To A Sunday Night Renewal Meeting"

10. It'll burn off more calories than a workout at the gym.
9. When was the last time you held onto a live electric wire and lived to tell about it?
8. There's nothing good on TV on Sunday nights anyway.
7. It's almost as much fun as being in a room full of Elvis impersonators.
6. The Bingo Palace isn't open after 5:00 on Sundays.
5. It'll give you some great material for a letter to the editor of "National Enquirer."
4. You don't have to miss Oprah or any of the soaps to go to it.
3. 100,000 Anglicans can't be wrong.
2. If God threw a party, wouldn't you want to be there?
1. The drinks are on the house!

haha, good going, once again mo!!! no one could possibly get offended by these jokes. they are very cleverly written and funnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnny!!

Naughty MO, naughty but perfectly timed.

Mo, you are truly a treasure!

LMAO!!!!

Tom