"The Long Walk" - thoughts/feelings on visits

indianawmn7798 · #1 (**permalink**) 10-08-2008, 04:43 PM

There are many things that go through my mind on the way to a visit: what will we talk about, how long will we get together, how will it affect me when I have to walk out of there without him? These are things that constantly go through my mind and each time I come out of there a stronger person emotionally as well as spiritually.

There are signs on the sides of the road on the way there, "Warning, prison area, do not pick up hitchhickers" This is when my heart feels like it's going to come right through my chest. I never know why I continue to get nervous but it happens every time I make the drive

That walk up to the building is the hardest - you're surrounded by fences and barbed wire, warning signs everywhere, the guard towers looking down on you. You feel like a criminal just from showing up. The nervousness tends to be pretty bad at this moment, not knowing what to expect because each time can be so different.

You place your keys, ID, etc into a locker and empty everything else from your pockets to be placed in the x-ray machine along with your shoes. The female CO does her frisk, all the while telling you she hates doing it. Sure my idea of an afternoon doesn't normally consist of getting frisked by another woman....

The walk to the next building is the most difficult of all, because I know that in less than a half hour I get to see someone that makes the rest of the world disappear for the short time that we get together. The waiting is also hard, sitting there not knowing what to expect or how he will react to you after so much time between not seeing each other.

The conversation flows so easily, as if no time had passed since you got to look into their eyes or hear their voice. Getting to hold them is not an option, holding hands is about as close to comfort as you can get. Even still, that touch will last firm in my memories until I get to do it again. You can't sit next to them, only across, like they have some sort of infectious disease. I can understand why but I don't have to accept it. Time seems to fly so fast when all you want to do is be with them, but surrounding circumstances won't allow it.

I know that time is drawing near for me to leave and I know that my heart is going to break when I give him that last hug goodbye until the next time. It hurts me to my soul that I have to leave him there and not be able to take him home with me and keep him. The hugs are always a very intense moment, there is so much love there and you feel as though you're the only ones in the room even though you're surrounded by cameras and officers watching your every movement.

I can't look back at him as I'm walking out, it's one of those things that I have never been able to do. I don't want to have him see me upset, I want him to remember the time that we did get together and how special it was.

The walk to the car, well that's just as hard as pulling into the parking lot and staring at the building for 5 minutes, getting your composure together before you're able to get up and go. It's the same feeling getting back into the car and sitting there, staring blankly at the building once again before starting the engine and taking the drive home, yet again without him.

I know that one of these days, on one of those visits, he's going to say "You get to take me home today", then I know that our ordeal is over and we don't have to answer to anyone just to get a hug, sit next to each other, or giving one another a kiss.

It's all about patience, commitment, and love. Nothing in this world could possibly overcome that.

whiterose · #2 (**permalink**) 10-10-2008, 07:43 AM

how true and sad sending you a big hug.

Q80 · #3 (**permalink**) 10-11-2008, 06:31 AM

You got that right on the spot!

That's exactly how we all feel when we go visit our loved ones, waiting for that one day where we'll be able to take them home with us... patience, patience, patience and determination are the the key...

Great writing, and thanks for sharing!

loveontherow · #4 (**permalink**) 10-14-2008, 01:50 AM

Thank you so much for sharing your visitation with me. I have never been to Polunsky and don't have a trip planned anytime soon. My friend is on DR, so from what I know there is no hugging, kissing-nothing. You visit between the glass. I have never met him. It all feels so strange. I made a committment to myself before I ever wrote him:I was in for the long haul. He's s only 29. Sometimes I think I'm crazy. It is so nice to meet all you ladies. Take care.

whiterose · #5 (**permalink**) 10-14-2008, 05:51 AM

you are not crazy things like that can happen i do have a pall in the polunsky too and one in mc alester.
may i ask where you are from??

x whiterose.

loveontherow · #6 (**permalink**) 10-18-2008, 09:17 PM

Hey Whiterose, and everyone else,

I'm in Nashville. Most people think we don't wear shoes or have any teeth..LOL We do. At least I do.

It is so nice to meet people who experience similar emotions. As i'm sure you know, there are so many people out there who hate prisoners; believe they deserve to rot and be treated like animals. They don't even know anything about the situation. My PP asked if I would come on X Day. That blew me away because they can only have five people. Why me?
Hope everyones doing ok. Take care.

whiterose · #7 (**permalink**) 10-19-2008, 05:22 AM

i guess you are realy special for your friend or you already on his vissit list?

x whiterose.

loveontherow · #8 (**permalink**) 10-19-2008, 07:14 PM

No, I wasn't on His visitation list. He is known as a cold, heartless person. I think He keeps up that front to others but for some reason He began to open up to me. He shares his deepest feelings, remorse, pain, guilt and fear. We have talked and He has cried. But, I never dreamed He would want me there on that day. That is something I would never, ever consider, but I guess I have to go. Not looking forward to it at all. Love to everybody.

whiterose · #9 (**permalink**) 10-20-2008, 06:21 AM

every cold hearted person got some love in his body maybe you opened a door if i were you i would go too.
please let me know how the vissit went if you not wanne tell in public maybe you can send a private message.

good luck,hugs,whiterose.