You gotta love the South...

Tennessee
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, 'You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?'

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, 'Everything but my earrings.'

Alabama
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. 'Where's Henry?' the others asked.

'Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail,' the successful hunter replied.

'You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?' they inquired.

'A tough call,' nodded the hunter. 'But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!'

Louisiana
A senior at LSU was overheard saying... 'When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana.' When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.

Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, 'Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!'

Bubba replied, 'Did you see who it was?'

The young man answered, 'I couldn't tell, but I got his license number.'

Georgia
A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-75. The trooper asked, 'Got any I. D.?'

The driver replied, 'Bout whut?'

North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.

Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, 'I have a flat tire.'

The passerby asked, 'But what's with the flowers?'

The man responded, 'When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don't make sense to me neither.'

And this from South Carolina
'You can say what you want about the South, but I ain't never heard of anyone retiring to the North!

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Good one!!!!!

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Psalm 69:33 - "For the Lord hears the poor and does not despise his prisoners." NKJV

"Multiple Births"
It seems a very excited redneck called the country doctor to his house to deliver his wife's baby.
During the labor, the lights went off and the doctor had to ask the expectant father to hold the lantern near so he could assist in the baby's birth.
After the arrival of the first baby the redneck was about to put the lantern down on the table when the doctor hollered, "Wait a minute, hold that lantern back up. I believe there is another baby coming! " Sure enough, the lady delivered a second infant. The redneck was again ready to place the lantern on the table when the doctor yelled, "Wait a minute! Hold that up again, here comes another one!"
Completely dazed, the panicking father scratched his head and asked the doctor, "You reckon it's the light that's attracting them?"

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"A Christmas Story"
Not long ago and far away, as Santa prepared for his annual trip...chaos erupted. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves didn't produce the toys as fast as the regular ones. Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. "Great!" thought Santa. When he went outside to harness the reindeer he found three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence. More Stress! To top it off, when he tried to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground, scattering the toys.
Totally frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot, breaking it into hundreds of little pieces. And then, when he went to get the broom he found mice had eaten the straw bristles.
Just then the doorbell rang. Santa stomped to the door and opened it to find a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. "Hi, fat man," said the angel, "Where would you like to put this tree?"
And that my friend is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.~The End
*This just in:
"URGENT MESSAGE FROM THE NORTH POLE"
To: All Concerned
From: Santa Claus

Effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the Southern portion of the United States on Christmas Eve. Due to earth's current overwhelming population my contract has been renegotiated.
Rest assured, southern children will be in good hands with your local replacement--Bubba Claus--who happens to be my third cousin. (Bubba's side of the family is from the South Pole.) My cousin shares my goal of delivering toys to good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. Please note:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads:"These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Bubba Claus prefers RC colas and mmonpies to milk and cookies and he doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I once made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer; Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen" from Bubba Claus. Instead you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!"
6. And finally, Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure your wife and kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
Sincerely yours,
Santa Claus
Member of North American Fairies and Elves/Union 1225

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"Intercession"
One Sunday in a small rural church, a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle.
Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle. On his way out, just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"

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A farmer had five female pigs and, as times were hard, he had determined to take them to the county fair and sell them. While at the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided rather than sell the pigs they'd mate them and split everything 50/50.
The farmers lived sixty miles away from one another so they agreed to drive thirty miles and find a field in which to mate their pigs. The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 am., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, and drove the thirty miles.
While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they're pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass grazing in the morning--they're pregnant, if they're in the mud--they're not."
The next morning the female pigs were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, loaded them again into the family station wagon and proceeded to try again. The following morning the pigs were in the mud again! This continued all week until one morning the farmer was so tired that he couldn't get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me if the pigs are in the mud or in the field."
"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn!"

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Have you heard the one about the little boy from Virginia with the Wisconsin relatives? One day he asked his mom why all their relatives talk funny and sound like their noses are plugged up.
"People from different places talk in different ways," his mom explained. "But, you have to understand that to them we sound like we talk very slow and all of our words are d-r-a-w-n out."
The little boys eyes got big, and he whispered seriously, "Oh, no. You mean they hear funny too?"

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The difference between a zoo in the North or South?

The nothern zoo's have signs with where the animals come from, what the animal eats, etc...
The Southern zoo's has a sign with recipies, LOL

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~Live with no excuses, and love with no regrets~

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.
After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."
The problem was the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. So, the Ranger asked a local to translate his message, giving the bandit a choice to come clean with where the money was or die.
After hearing the Ranger's translated message, the terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.
"What did he say?" asked the Ranger anxiously.
The local answered, "He say he no afraid to die!"

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