Redneck Horoscope


OKRA
Dec 22 - Jan 20

Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okra have
tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of
his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies!

CHITLIN
Jan 21 - Feb 19

Chitlins often come from humble backgrounds. Many times they're uncomfortable
talking about just where they came from. A chitlin, however, can make something of
himself if he's motivated and has plenty of seasoning. When it comes to dealing with
Chitlins, be very careful. Chitlins can burn and then erupt like Vesuvius, and this can make for a really terrible mess. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra. Remember that when marriage time rolls around.

BOLL WEEVIL
Feb 20- Mar 20

You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things,
and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say,
you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their
right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

MOON PIE
Mar 21- April 20

You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch to
recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words
here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.

POSSUM
APR 21 - May 21

When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to
withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not
psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work and you may find your problems actually running you over.

CRAWFISH
May 22 - June 21

Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf
course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend to be not particularly attractive
physically, but you have very, very good heads.

COLLARDS
June 22- July 23

Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting pot" of
life and share their essence with the essence of those around them. Collards make
good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal
life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save
yourself a lot of heartache.

CATFISH
July 24 - Aug 23

Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one: Whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. Your catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

GRITS
Aug 24 - Sept 23

Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel, thought so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.

BOILED PEANUTS
Sept 24 - Oct 23

You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best -- your friends and loved ones-may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

BUTTER BEAN
October 24 - Nov 22

Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody.
You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.

ARMADILLO
Nov 23 - Dec 21

You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another somewhat kinky, mating possibility.

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DATING (Outside the Family)


Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years a go." If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration. THEATER ETIQUETTE

• • Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
  • Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS

• • Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
  • Its is not okay for the groom to bring a date to a wedding.
  • When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.
  • A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also aproven fly deterrent.
  • For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS

• • Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.
  • Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
  • Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.
  • It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
  • Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
  • The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around.
  • Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.

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My Own Grandpa

Many many years ago when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be. This
widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her, and soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother, for she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matters worse, although it brought me joy, I
soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became a brother-in-law to dad. And so
became my uncle, though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle, then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter who, of course, was my
step-mother. Father's wife then had a son, who kept them on
the run.

And he became my grandson, for he was my daughter's son. My
wife is now my mother's mother and it makes me blue. Because,
although she is my wife, she's my grandma too. If my wife is
my grandmother, then I am her grandchild. And every time I
think of it, It simply drives me wild. For now I have become
the strangest case you ever saw. As the husband of my
grandmother, I am my own grandpa.

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The Night Before a Redneck Christmas

It was the night before Christmas,
and all through the trailer park,
not a pop-top was poppin',
not even Ole Blue barked.

Our stockin's was hung
over the space heater with care,
in the hopes that Santy
would fill 'em with Viennas and beer.


The kids was asleep
in their NASCAR pj's,
Dreamin' of Goo Goo Clusters,
Moon Pies, and Milkyway's.


And Earlene in her curlers
and me in my Earnhardt cap,
had just settled into our La-Z-Boys
for Wheel of Fortune and a nap.


Then out in the vacant lot
I heart such a commotion,
I thought it was neighbor Clyde,
finally got his T'bird in motion.


I heaved out of my recliner
and to the window I flew,
Busted out the screen
and hollered to Ole Blue.


The moon was shinin down
on my old wrecked cars,
so bright they was sparklin'
like rusty old stars.


And I couldn't believe
by own hardworkin' eyes,
when a jacked-up Chevy pickup
come flyin' through the sky!


Faster'n Ole Ironhead
his possums they came,
and he whooped and hollered
and called 'em by name:


"Git up Sooner! Hi Duke!
Move yer tails Yaller and Spud!
On Blackie! On Queenie!
You mind me Duchess and Bud!"


"To the top of the satellite dish!
To the top of the shed!
Now move it n' Step on it!
Ya'll get out the lead!"


You know how on our old road
whenev'r a car goes by,
there's all this dirt
that flys up into the sky?


That's how this crew
went straight on up to my roof,
with that pickup full of toys,
a real nice gun rack, and Redneck Santa too.


Then 'fore I could pop my teeth in
I heerd up on the tin,
the scrabbling around
of them flying possums of his'n.


I yanked my head back in the trailer
and hitched up my shorts,
Down the dryer vent Redneck Santa came
with a grunt and a snort!


He was dressed in red-and-green camo
from his neck to his feet,
and I had to give him credit
he still had most of his teeth.


Looked like stuff from Earlene's yard sale
slung on his back,
There was flyswatters an' Tupperware,
an' 8-tracks stickin' out of his pack.


When he winked his eye
I knew fer sure he'd treat us right,
why, he just might even
leave me some ammo tonight!


I stood there dreamin' of a whitetail
while I watched him work,
then he stopped and like a real man, let out a fart and a burp.


He topped off our stockin's
with Moon Pies and bottle rockets,
then squoze up that dryer vent
like Spam in your pocket.


He jumped in his pickup,
laid down on the horn,
And I'm not lyin',
they took off with their possum tails flyin'.


But I heerd him holler
as he headed for the 7-11,
"Merry Christmas to all!
And may all rednecks get into heav'n!"

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