Random Jokes

Skye · #1 (**permalink**) 06-23-2008, 12:30 AM

A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basic items.

"How much do you weigh?" she asks.
"115," she says.
The nurse puts her on the scale.
It turns out her weight is 140.
The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 foot 8," she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5".

She then takes her blood pressure
And tells the woman it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" she screams,
"When I came in here I was tall and slender!
Now I'm short and fat!"

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Skye · #2 (**permalink**) 06-23-2008, 12:39 AM

Two Little Boys

After a hardy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys,a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen window.

The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole. As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic.' Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!' she asks as she shook the older boy in anger.

'We were just playing 'church' mommy, ' he said.'And I was just baptizing him.....in the name of the Father, the Son and in...the hole-he-goes.'

Skye · #3 (**permalink**) 06-23-2008, 12:41 AM

A Republican cowboy from Texas attends a social function where Hillary Clinton is attending, and trying gather more support for her nomination.

Once she discovers the cowboy is a Republican, she starts to belittle him by talking in a southern drawl and single syllable words.

As she was doing that, she kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around her head. The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?"

She stopped talking and said, "Well yes, if that's what they're called. But I've never heard of circle flies."
"Well ma'am," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

"Oh," Hillary replies as she goes back to rambling. But, a moment later she stops and bluntly asks, "Are you calling me a horse's ass?"

"No, ma'am," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for citizens of New York to call their Senator a horse's ass."
"That's a good thing," she responds and begins rambling on once more.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

Skye · #4 (**permalink**) 07-06-2008, 06:10 PM

An 80-year-old Italian goes to the
doctor for a check-up. The doctor is
amazed at what good shape the guy
is in and asks, "How do you stay in
such great physical condition?"

I'm Italian and I am a golfer," says
the old guy, "and that's why I'm in
such good shape. I'm up well before
daylight and out golfing up and down
the fairways. I have a glass of vino,
and all is well."

"Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that
helps, but there's got to be more to it.
How old was your Dad when he died?"
"Who said my Dad's dead?"

The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're
80 years old and your Dad's still alive.
How old is he?"

"He's 100 years old," says the old Italian
golfer. "In fact he golfed with me this
morning, and then we went to the topless
beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive.
He's Italian and he's a golfer, too."

"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but
I'm sure there's more to it than that. How
about your Dad's Dad? How old was he
when he died?"
"Who said my grandpa's dead?"

Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're
80 years old and your grandfather's still
living! Incredible, how old is he?"
"He's 118 years old," says the old Italian golfer.

The doc tor is getting frustrated at this point,
"So, I guess he went golfing with you this
morning too?"
"No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning
because he's getting married today."

At this point the doctor is close to losing it.
"Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-
old guy want to get married?"

"Who said he wanted to?"

Skye · #5 (**permalink**) 07-06-2008, 06:12 PM

Skye · #6 (**permalink**) 07-06-2008, 06:15 PM

Nymphomaniac Convention

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston "

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

Skye · #7 (**permalink**) 07-06-2008, 06:25 PM

A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.
"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking."

Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."

Skye · #8 (**permalink**) 07-06-2008, 07:19 PM

Fred and Mary got married but couldn’t afford a honeymoon, so they went back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together.

In the morning,

Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, 'No'.

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think!
Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom,
'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'
She replies, 'No.'

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think!

Eat your lunch and go back to school .'
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,

'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'
His mom says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think?'

He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...
I gave him my airplane glue.

Skye · #9 (**permalink**) 07-06-2008, 07:26 PM

Why mothers drink

A Mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see that his
bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.
Then she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that
was addressed to 'Mom' With the worst premonition she opened the
envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Mom,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to
elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with
Dad and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is
so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her
piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she
is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Mom she's
pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that
live n earby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Mom. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of
myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you
can get to know your grandchildren.
Love,
Your Son Jon

P.S. Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the
report card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when
it's safe to come home..