Hello everyone

We hear all the time that these relationships can be pretty risky (and I agree). And it's probably also true that most of them don't even last before the incarcerated partner gets released.

But there are also quite a few successful ones out there. My own marriage to a former inmate of 13 years is a very happy one and I know of quite a few others who are working out wonderfully. I believe in being objective and thinking with your head first and your heart second. I also believe that TIME has the biggest mouth of all - ie. there is NO hurry. And I'm a believer in preparation, in gathering information and imagining worst case scenarios (without driving myself crazy).

I also know first-hand that the prison part of the relationship isn't the hard part - it's the after prison part that's the hardest. When they are adjusting to the outside again.

So I thought that we could maybe gather notes together.
How can people who are falling for an inmate do to prepare?
What are potential pitfalls to avoid once he/she gets released?
How can we put those objective glasses on without destroying a potentially good relationship?
Why is it important to distinguish between the "prison-him" and the "outside-him"? Because let's face it - no matter how wonderful someone is in letters, there probably is a HUGE difference between those two personalities (which is why it's important to gather information).

This is not intended as a negative thread and it's not intended to stereotype people - let's just stick to the facts. It would be beneficial to get links to resources, personal experience stories.... even statistics to base your claims on if there are any.

Let's help each other

Nice Posting I would be very interested in hearing answers to those questions as I will be put in the situation of no walls between us in a year. Posiably sooner.

Having spent time in a military school ( I know, no comparison ) I know what it is like to be brainwashed and back on the outside. I do remember my friends went through alot to de brain wash me. Will it be the same sort of thing?

I have read alot recently on the physical challenges. Like getting jobs , etc. What are some of the mental blocks? Nightmares, odd sleeping schedules, fast eating habits?

What about readjusting thier kids to them? especially one that is so young he really would not know her as a mom? I think he does. Just not sure on that one.

I know there are alot of relationship haters on this forum. But it would be nice to see this thread go in a positive direction. and hey -- I would rather meet the love of my life while incarciated then intoxicated.

I for one like it this way. It has given us a chance to know each other with no materialistic boundries. Nothing but words and letters. Lots of lots of letters.

Aww Quint I do not think anyone here is a relationship hater, we do see over the years many are so convinced they are in love, and devastation of emotional and financial. .Just try to keep things in a fair balance, not fun to see someone you get to know, so crushed and feeling embarrassed,(which they should not).

Many inmates too, as well as the outside pp, first have to build trust in one another while the one is incarcerated, inmates also for good reason are not quick to trust.
One way to prepare is have the inmate, sign to agree to have his medical and mental sent to you. This should match up to letters and what you see in time writing.
Try to get to know his/her family, if they have one left. This too gives good insight.
If all still seems to be real, then still take things slow both of you, not just one of you. Do not put all of you into it no matter how hard, keep an open mind that it could fall either way in the real world, that you may in the end be good friends at the least.

Pitfalls, may go back to old habit or friends type that is negative, trouble adapting to rules of the world and behavior patterns that is used inside which does not work outside those walls.
Financial if cannot find a job, which then brings frustration to the ex inmate and anger, hard for them to trust anyone fo sometime. Trying to adjust to how the world has changed. They do eat fast, trouble sleeping and remembering things since much more on the plate all of a sudden.

Objective glass's, do not expect them to walk the perfect walk, odd mood swings and somtimes very good at hiding this, since they had yrs of putting up fronts they are pros at it. Do not expect it to be at all the normal of what you have known for sometime.

The prison him is the part that has to be worked out with time, the real him will shine thru if he really wants and is strong enough to find himself again.
He does not even know the real him" until lots of trails and errors. The base is there even in letters, so try to bring it forward with him/her.

Be gentle at the right times, understanding at other times and be their worst enemy at those fatal times, at least to them you are. lol

Kinda like this forum, when it comes to love threads it just depends, on what you are dealing, with from the information you have to work with, on what to say to the poster gentle/understanding or having to say what they may not want to hear.

Peanut and Jon, 2 yrs writing, Jon was incarcerated 13 yrs, since his release, in July wwe are still married 4 yrs later and want to stay that way!!

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Ok, a flip side to this discussion...what happens to those "fall in love with their penpals" and then decide to move on. For inmates who have serious feelings for their "outside" significant others I can imagine this would be devastating to them. They seem, in matters of the heart, to actually be much more vulnerable than us out here, who can "move on". I take my friendship to my penpal extremely seriously. So, in this sense, I don't see a distinction being a friend, or being remantically involved. For many of our pp's, we are truly the only people they have. In my mind I have committed to being his friend for his entire incarceration which is 20 MORE years (he's been in for 17). So, be it friendship or more~making any sort of commitment to these incarcerated men and women should be truly just that, a commitment.

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"Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely."
~Lord John Emerich Edward Dalberg Acton

Actually I have never heard of anyone on this site stating they have wrote to the same individual for that many years, or even close to that. Many who write long term inmates, do at some point move on, or the inmate does.

Jon says he never heard of any inmate, writing someone outside that was heart broken over a pp no matter the relationship thru letters being upset. He has known many inmates very hurt by gf they knew before they went in or wifes, who divorced them. I have never been told by any inmates I wrote or write of that happening either.

It is a commitment "responsiblity" to stay with them, yet this is not a perfect world for them or us, so either side may move on, like any outside marriage or friendship with time.
Whatever the case the memories will live on inside each, life experiences as people come and go.

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I guess I am the wierd one then, which doesn't surprise me, I usually am Once someone is in my life, they are a permanent part of my life. I have one best friend, and we have been best friends since we were 8~27 years. As a matter of fact, I still talk to almost all of my ex boyfriends, strictly as friends now though. I guess it's a good thing, we all have our own special connections to our pp's. I'll let you know if we're still pp's in 20 years!

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"Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely."
~Lord John Emerich Edward Dalberg Acton

Ok lol, I expect that you keep that promise hear from you in 20 years !!!

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Roger that, I got the date set on my computer

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"Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely."
~Lord John Emerich Edward Dalberg Acton

Hey number's gal, 290 pages a month times 20 yrs !!!!

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LOL...NO! 290 pages in 6 months. I think it's still a lot!

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"Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely."
~Lord John Emerich Edward Dalberg Acton