ok so what do you do when your pp has life and you have feelings for each other and your contemplating taking your relationship further ?

Love one another,and do as much as one can for each other to make each day brigther and warm.
Laugh together cry together, be there in all ways possible.

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That's a personal decision to be made. You can commit to him knowing you will never have a traditional life together or you can choose to eventually find a traditional relationship with someone who is not incarcerated.

You can support him emotionally and through visits and letters, and show your love that way.

It is a personal choice that only the two involved can really make.

It is my advice to make that decision with eyes wide open instead of 'following your heart'

For someone to be involved with an incarcerated partner who has a life term or a long sentence, it can be hard.

There are many things that are essential to a relationship that you will not have and sometimes those things can be deal breakers if you are not going into it with your eyes wide open.

Ultimately, you do whatever you are comfortable with.

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William Jennings Bryan

My friend once met someone on an internet dating site. There conversations by phone and email went on for months before finally meeting.

Then the day came when they met....

The person she met was not the person she was expecting. The looks had changed from the pictures to the actual person.

A good portion of what he told her was not even close to the truth.

Especially the one about having his own home.

He didn't have his own home, he lived in his mother's basement.

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I'm married to an offender and it isn't easy. It is one of the most difficult things I've experienced.

While I knew him when we were younger, the person he was then and the person he is now are two different people.

I can honestly say it takes a great amount of patience to make this sort of relationship work.

I don't see anyone being 'anti relationships with inmates'. I see a lot of people who give you the warnings of what can happen.

I'd rather know what it is like on the inside and all of the possibilities and possible red flags before making a commitment such as I have.

It took me a long time to make this decision and once I finally did, it was the right decision for me.

Did the warnings help? Absolutely. I'm the kind of person that knows if you always follow your heart, you will eventually get burned. It is best not to rush into things and it is best to know what it is you are getting into before you make the commitment.

It isn't easy spending each holiday alone, or if one of you are sick it is hard not to be there for the other, then there are times after a stressful day that you could really use a hug or someone there to comfort you, and they aren't because they are miles upon miles away.

There will be days when letters, cards and a short phone call simply aren't enough.

Then you travel to see them, and something goes wrong at visitation (something simple as a count that was miscounted) and they all get racked up and you lose the remaining 3 hours of your 4 hour visit.

Sometimes, love really isn't enough and that is why so many of these relationships fail.

When you are involved, you have to know what to expect otherwise your feelings are going to get hurt really quick.

I do not think that giving someone all of the 'what to expects' is dehumanizing the inmate of the relationship. I believe it is making the person in the free world of the relationship a bit stronger in dealing with the little things that will, in no time, become really big things in the relationship.

I think every person deserves love, but you can't use inmate ads as a dating service.

I know from 5 different units in Texas that the game is the same, it's just the names and motives that are different.

Not all are out to play a game or run a scam but if you don't know what to look for you will get burned really fast and it will hurt like hell.

I've seen many people come and go on this site alone who fell real quick, didn't want to hear the warning signs and believed the follow your heart advice and those same people would come back broken hearted and the stories would be horrifying.

I think it takes a person who really cares to give one the time and advice that is relevant to the situation, as opposed to those who live in the fairy tale who simply say follow your heart, you'll be okay.

In the end, when someone comes back after getting burned, the ones giving support are the very ones who were offering advice and what to look for, not the ones saying following your heart.

It is true that there are bad people on the inside and outside who will run game on the first naive opportunity that comes around, and I don't think having someone tell you what to look for is dehumanizing anyone, I think it is , if nothing else, something to help you make the decision that is right for you. In the end, you are the only one who can make that decision, and you're the one who has to live with it, be it an extremely good one or horrifying bad one.

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William Jennings Bryan

What to look for is not dehumanizing anyone, including the inmate themselves, just the opposite..

Odd,
the ones who truely care are seen as the bad guys for not stating only what one wants to hear.

Another great post, of someone who has obviously seen and been there, with compassion, honesty with reality.

Thanks for sharing that, makes me feel good to know we are not viewed by all to be anti's.

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Sometimes you need to hear the truth, even if it isn't what you want to hear.

Only hearing what you want to hear will eventually set you up for failure.

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William Jennings Bryan

Here is where I am at with my mwi we have feelings for each other but he does not ask me for money or anything I would feel uncomfortable with I may do legal things here and there but even our pphone calls are split in cost is their someone else he is writting possibly I do not care because we are not in a serious relationship how could we be but if we here it might be a different story honestly when i looked at some of the ads on some sites if you can not tell where the risk for being played is then one would have to ask is it a question of them hurting you or you hurting yourself ? Love is something only truly achieved in a relationship when both people love themselves first? I know that to be true just like i know you can only be used as much as you are willing to be used and as much as you may want to help someone they have to truly want the help in changing

Well i am taking it very slow, he get's offended if i try to give him anything i have had this type of relationship before (internet non prisoner) and i got burned very badly emotionally and financially. My pp was previously married for a few years but when they took away conjugal visits from lifers she cheated on him and he ended the marriage and he has been divorced for 10 years.I wasn't really asking for advice but thank you anyway i never got into writing to prisoners for romance but i have to say all my pp's want relationships.So maybe someone should tell the prisoners it's not a dating service. MY point really was all the advice that has been given on this thread seems geared towards the pp's getting back into the world someday and for some of them that isn't the case.

I wholeheartedly agree . It is not at all dehumanizing to tell people what prison really is like not the glorification that goes on at times .There is nothing to glorify about prison period . In prison there are people who are very dangerous not just physically but in almost every way you can imagine . I know some do not want to hear this but that is the reality of it . They would not be in prison if they were just lonely people looking for a friend . Not every one doing time is out to scam you some are though . Some are ruthless heartless monsters, some are people who have problems in life, some got caught up in a very bad situation with the wrong people .Some should never get out or be near another human again . How to know this it is not easy because you cannot see who they are out side of what they present to you .

To tell any one to follow their heart in this type of relationship is not at all helpful . It might be what they want to hear but is not healthy and usually ends in disaster. More than one person has ended up a emotional , psychological and financial wreak because the "followed their heart "

It is all to easy at times to confuse infatuation with love . When some one writes nice words and pays lots of attention to you that makes it even more easy . Unlike freeworld relationships where we see each other and at times are not able to say nice words and give 100% attention it just is not possible .

I also agree that those who are willing to say things that are not what people want to hear care a lot and are not "anti relationship " but know these relationships are very difficult and can end up in a mess you might not easily get out of .

As Skye said letters ,calls ,visits and cards are often not enough and when you invest time and emotions into some one and they are for what ever reason not reciprocating eventually you will resent that person or worse start to dislike them .

Take your time and get to know them . Wait until the time for release comes if you can a few years is one thing and ample time to start to learn about some one also live your life with out it revolving around prison or the convict . Waiting many years or them never getting out is a whole differnt situation altogether . Too be honest I would never suggest becoming romantically involved with a lifer or some one with big numbers . Chances are the relationship will not last eventually the freeworld person usually will want more it is only human . I cannot image being in a romantic relationship with a lifer, a woman on DR or some one with big numbers (lots years to do )

As others said the person you are writing to is often differnt than who they are out side of a very controlled environment and situation . Where you can see them at both their best and worst .

Skye that is all too true when it all goes to hell those who did not say follow your heart offer the most support . Not some "cyber hug" and ; " I am so Sorry I did not see it coming " Then suggest finding a new convict to write !

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The Constitution is not a Technicality!

Me

If you never have dreams they will never come true.

Somethings are worth fighting for !

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a2Ngn...eature=related


Money Talks !

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AgL8qqjOnlg

as long as i been on this site, i never heard of it happening here. how ever, i have know it to happen. very sad. you would think it is always the other way around, but, seems to be others out here that take advantage also.

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I need coffee