i would just like to say mwi relationships can work ive been with my husband
for 8 years now

No one is anti relationship some of us highly discourage getting involved until release and taking it very slow . A lot of people who have become romantically involved with a convict have been very badly hurt,deep in debt and broke with out friends or family to help .

Prison romances are discouraged for a lot of reasons one is we confuse love for infatuation. . Another you do not have anyway to know that person out side of letters , monitored phone calls and visits in a controlled setting . When they are all on their best behavior . . You have no idea what is going on .

You cannot see how they really act in all kinds or real life situations . Unlike the freeworld where in relationships we have to be able to tolerate all the things each of us do that annoy us . and the stresses of a the freeworld . . There is little talk of finances , what to do on vacation who does what chores around where ever you live . Thins like dirty clothing hanging around how neat or not neat a person is . all those things that we have to deal with . You cannot possibly see how some one locked up will really act in all kinds or real life situations .

These relationships have a 95 % failure rate before the incarcerated party leaves prison never mind them having a chance in the freeworld .

Trust is near impossible. How can you trust when you cannot know what is going on . take some ones word for it .? How do you do that when they are incarcerated miles often thousands of miles from you and you cannot just drop in to say hello? In fact this is why the scams are sometimes very lucrative and successful .

I saw a a good amount of guys playing a number of women . They knew that those women did not have any way of knowing they were running game on them and had a few others writing and sending money . . This is even more common on Death Row . For the new people I did a long bid TDCJ part of it on Polunsky .

While I personally do not encourage using online dating sites at least you can call them and see them in uncontrolled where you can see how they act in all kinds of situations . . You can see things that send up the warning gs something is not right .
In the freeworld you can see signs and rad body language that are cues and clues to there is something not right . Some choose to ignore them and become badly hurt . I see there are people who will hurt you in the freeworld too . Yes but you are much more likely to meet on in prison where the majority of the population did something to get there . Some are repeat offenders who do not plan on changing any time soon . Some are not . Unless you make the effort to check and research your pals history you will not know thiey are repeat offenders . .

Yes prisoners are human but if you are locked up you have lost the things that come with of being in the freeworld .having relationships is one of those things that come with being free . . I try to imagine having a relationship from prison . I can't seem to do it . I can do this because I did time . I just cannot see it working out most of the time .

By writing accepting a few calls if you can afford it , sending them things such as photos maybe books once in while you are treating them as human . By offering friendship and encouragement you are treating them as human . We do not have to be come romantically involved to treat convicts as human .

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I find humor here. Anti relationships going strong here

Going thru all the issues that come into play, and we face them head on, sure does not apprear to me to be inhuman nor attacking their character to them or us..

Everyone who spoke on here has a relationship, thats working and being honest, sure did not attack anyone character, just the reality.
It can work despite the prison issues attached, which are not free world normally issues at all. Where else but here, of all places to face and talk open about that? Either way it falls?

Not to mention many different types of relationships here, some only want to remain just writing inmates too, a good friend.

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now im not trying to be anti relationship or vice versa and i can see everyones point your still going to want to take it slow no matter where you meet the person but the point i was trying to make is it doesnt matter if its in prison or a person you meet in a bar ..they all can miss lead it doesnt matter where they are sitting there was a guy here in canada who had been caught having married two women one from ontario one from alberta he wasnt from a prison .. i know alot of people who dont say what goes on in their world, but what they wish to tell you that being said my point was even though some can be misleading so can anyone else for my myself personally i want to wait until my pp is out to meet him not because of the fact hes sitting in prison but the fact then i can have longer to be around him to get to know him .. hes supposed to be out this october,i can relate more to my pp then i can to most people that are on the outside i have a set routine i have to do everyday .. i dont go out and do what i want from my chosing of course but then its better then leaving my kids with someone i hardly know just to go have a coffee with a complete stranger ..i just dont see why some people place a stigmatism on where they met someone .if i chose to form more then a friendship with my pp then it would be something i would do once hes out but its still nice to get to know him by writing letters and phone calls

Wow, lots of replies... great

Before he became free (yes he has been free for 2 years now) I used to think that people shouldn't look differently at these relationships. But the fact is that they are different, especially if they were in for a long time. The only reason I'm saying this is that prison does things to a person and not always in a good way. Some traits he aquired there I admire but the ones that he had to struggle with the most were directly because of prison. He has tried to describe the politics - the violence, the racial tension, how respect is a completely different concept in there, how putting on a fake face (adopting another personality even) is necessary in order to survive, the hustling etc. - to me and I can only TRY to understand but I will never completely GET it because I wasn't there. Just the sub-culture of prison compared to the outside world is a big enough reason to be more thorough and patient when it comes to getting to know them. And it's true - the prison him may be a completely different person from the outside him. And HE will also think YOU'RE a completely different person when he gets out. That's just the way it is.

This personality difference is something people really need to prepare for and expect. I remember our first fight after he got out. He was convinced that I had been pretending to be completely different from what I appeared to be in the letters/visit. And I accused him of the same thing. When we got past that we decided to take it in stride and "get to know each other again". The first reason why a prison relationship is different.

Shortly after that the second shock became a reality - the culture shock he experienced after the euphoria of being free wore off..... took about a month. It resembles the psychological term "culture shock" a lot but goes to more extremes. These are common feelings of the second stage of culture shock as described in psychology: sadness, loneliness, insomnia, vulnerability, anger, resentment, isolation, loss of identity, idealizing the old culture, inability to solve simple problems, lack of confidence, feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, developing stereotypes of the new culture, feeling overlooked and exploited. I dare say that he experienced most of these things for quite a few months up to a year. The extreme culture shock ex-prisoners face could also be called post-traumatic stress disorder or post-incarceration syndrome. And it shouldn't be underestimated or ignored. The second reason why outside relationships are different from prison relationships.

Periodically we have also bumped into cultural differences between us (because I'm from another country and English isn't my first language). Most people think that my country is very similar to America but it isn't. This is an additional problem MWI's from another country need to prepare for because the problems that go along with this can be so subtle but devastating at the same time. I once lived in the US for a year so I knew what was going on - I'm almost sure I wouldn't have pinpointed this problem if I had never lived there. So out-of-US people, read up on this as much as you can, that's my best advice. The third reason why outside relationships are different from prison relationship (but similar to some online relationships though).

Another thing is kids - and this partly the reason why WE decided not to live together right after he got out - how many people do you know who got a divorce not long after they had kids? I know MANY. And there's a reason for it - kids, the little angels that they are , are added PRESSURE. Add that kind of pressure, money problems and other responsibilities of running a big household, to the very real possibility of the prison culture shock described above and do the math. Outside relationships have a tendency not to last after kids come into the picture so there has to be an even bigger possibility of post-incarceration relationships not lasting. The fourth reason why outside relationships are different from prison relationships.

We decided that it would be best for our relationship that he proved to himself (and me in the process) that he could take care of himself financially and otherwise. This way he gained his outside self-confidence on his own terms. This takes tremendous amounts of trust, patience and persistence. Not just love. Love means nothing if there is no trust in a long distance relationship. In my opinion (and this is only my opinion), most of these guys are just not ready for a full-blown live-in relationship upon release. But the way around it is living apart for awhile although it's a hard thing to decide. People have sometimes been waiting for years, being together and continuing that when there's nothing in the way anymore is extremely hard. The fifth reason why outside relationships are different. I would also like to add that this is one of the biggest reasons why they don't last the first year after release - moving in together right away can very well kill a potentially great relationship.

So I guess my conclusion is that "success" in an MWI relationship depends mostly on what happens after prison which is why preparing should be the biggest part of prison relationships - not just the dreaming of a rosy-red future.

p.s. anti-relationship or not.... I don't want to think of this thread in those terms. I'd like to think of this as information gathering and weighing possible scenarios together. It seems like anti-relationship because preparing simply entails taking worst case scenarios into account. So stop being so sensitive people - no one is attacking anyone right?

First Dreaa, no one was thinking your post was saying, anyone was anti relations here.. Although some do feel that way and have expressed it directly.

Roxanne, great post and it may be your opinion, but with Jon having spent 13 yrs inside, then our marriage, all you state is so very true and on the money for us too.

Many say,but each relationship is different and the ones involved, very true too, but the base of someone coming out of prison,after much time inside, will deal with this same base.
Not even close to what they would deal with an outside relationship.
Big difference from the get go, if anyone read Roxannes post. So true...

Thank You Roxanne for explaining so clearly to understand.

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I guess i have a opinion on this to which is that wether you met before or after incarceration it takes a huge commitment to be with someone in that situation. It is true that what type of man one may be drawn to on the outside is the same as on the inside. Unfortunatley there are people in all walks of life who are willing to use people. I have two kids who's fater i met way before he went in and he used me to the fullest while he was in and left when he was out we all take chances and learn from our mistakes.

yates, you are so right, quite frankly this thread has always bothered me we all have to examine our own heart and decide for ourselves

Roxanne, that was a great post

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Amen to ASE and Roxanne for telling it like it is. Nobody is against "warm, fuzzy, feelings", but it is impossible to look into the future and to know what "it's going to be like". I think that the best advice, here, is to wait until your PP gets out, and then start from scratch. Go slowly, get to know them and go from there.

It is just like buying something from a high-pressure salesman. They tell you that you have to buy it, right now, or the deal is off. Afterwards, you are filled with regret and realize that you have been bamboozled. The same can be true of relationships, if you don't take the time to look around, let the smoke blow away and weigh all of the factors and your options.
Just my 2 cents.

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