This is a long, long letter and very personal. One that I snail-mailed to an inmate earlier tonight. I have never written to a prisoner before.

If you can imagine being him when you got it, then I don't need to share any background. I'm just getting this one off my chest by posting. Comment as you wish.

D.

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Dear G*,

This letter will come to you as a surprise, because you don‘t know me at all. My name is D* and I am a friend of R* and D**. R* is my very best friend, we have known each other for about 9½ years when we met at work. I spend a lot of time with them, and I hope you are not offended that they let me read the letter that you sent a few days ago.

Because I spend so much time with them, I had an opportunity to meet your kids and the words you wrote in your letter really moved me so I asked Debbie if I could write you and she agreed.

Just to be up front (I always am) I want to make it clear that I am not the type of woman to write inmates in hopes of striking up some obsessive relationship or in some kind of attempt to be “charitable”. I was simply led to write you -- most likely because I have made some HUGE mistakes in my own life, and I got this flash of reality when thinking of you in your cell for all these years. Though I don’t know the details of why you are there (who does but you?), I thought it certainly couldn’t do any harm just to write to someone who needed a touch from the outside world.

Also, I am going through my own struggles right now. I battle depression and have been going through a painful divorce for the past several years. I don’t have the money for a counselor and thought “hey I could write him of my troubles and he doesn’t know me…won’t judge me, kind of like a diary with ears/eyes”. Who knows, maybe just reading about life out here will comfort you a little that everyone struggles with their own crosses to bear. That’s what reading your letter drove home to me.

I am typing this letter because I can type so much faster than I can write by pen, and I wanted my first letter to include as much as possible about why you are hearing from me. I know my printer is out of black ink…so I may have to print this out in some weird color. (laughs)…so if this is written in pink or green, don’t blame me :P

Ok…I wonder which one you would want to hear first…about me and who I am or about your kids.

Gosh, that wasn’t hard to consider at all: let me tell you about your kids I’m sorry I can’t send any pictures but some loser stole my new digital camera right out of my house. So, I will try to describe them as best I can. I know that R* could do a better job because she knows them so much better…but I’ll give it a shot.

S*: I have spent the most time with her of all the kids, because when the others went home last week after a 6 day visit, S* was allowed to remain with R* and D** for the remainder of the summer. I have spent the last two weeks with her and R* and my own children. She is so cute, and my youngest daughter (who’s 11) and her get along like two peas in a pod. As you probably know, she is way smaller than an average 12 year old due to a hormone or growth problem she has. R* tells me she is supposed to be taking some kind of shots for it but that S* hates the shots so much, she simply refuses to. So she is our “little one” and “half pint” (lol, kind of like Little House on the Prairie!).

Even though she is small, S* is packed full of spunk and speaks her mind without hesitation. She makes her opinions and ideas well known, yet has a great ability to laugh at herself and take things in stride -- unless she gets her mind set on something. She is very affectionate and loves to hug, hold hands and be close to those she loves -- like my daughter, me and R* (hehe).

While she is here (I think we have another 2-3 weeks with her) we go the public pool a lot and my daughter is teaching her to swim. After a day in the sun, --even with SPF 50 sunscreen on -- S*'s nose and cheek freckles multiply into what looks like thousands of little cookie crumbs and when she smiles you’d swear she was a little doll. As you know, we live in Missouri, so my kids and I get a big kick out of her Texas accent. The way she says “cm’own, yaw’ll let‘s gow” with the “on” said like “own” and the “go” pronounced like cow with a g!

Jr.: I spent the least amount of time with him than any of the kids. I do know that --from what I saw -- he treats his sisters well and is not a big trouble maker. He’s WAY taller than S* and looks like he’s about 3-4 years older than her. He is somewhat of a joker and I rarely saw him take anything too seriously. He’s got plenty of energy and had a lot of fun horsing around in the water with my 15 year old son and the other kids.

B*: Isn’t is cute how a younger sister that happens to be inches taller than her older sister can still “look up” to her?! B* is just plain, cute and sweet. She is the polite one…the one who remembers her please’s and thank you’s. That said, she is also the one that tends to get into it with her brother and sister the most. The fate of the youngest child to always seek the most attention. She’s missed S* a lot since her sister has been in Missouri. She calls here every day to talk to her and to fill each other in on the days events.

B* and Jr. look so much alike, if they were the same size one would think they are fraternal twins. Blonde hair, same build, eyes, nose, mouth, etc. S*, on the other hand, I hear looks exactly like you. Fine brown hair, freckles, bright smile.

I don’t know your family dynamics, your history with your ex (bad subject I take it). So I hope I am not overstepping my bounds by saying that to me, it seems like S* -- or even all of the kids -- would certainly like to be in contact with you. I have a feeling that their mother has decided for her own reasons that it’s not a good idea at the time. I hope that you can find it in your heart to understand that if you write and do not hear back from them, that is why. Also remember, (though it must be very, very hard) that there is little you can do to offer them a true father figure until you are out of there.

Coming from a childhood where I was deprived of one parent, I can almost guarantee you that when you get out (hopefully in 6 years, right?) they‘ll be little adults and they will want to re-connect. It’ll be up to you at that time to prove that you can recover from all these years away from society, develop a relationship with them, be there for them, and make something of the rest of your life. It WILL NOT be too late. To be the parent of an adult or adolescent child is, in many ways, even more important and complex than being one of a young child. They learn and live as they grow older just like you and I do.

Ok, so about me. I am 35, and have three kids ages 17, 15 and 11. In order: B**, B*** and K*. I am separated from my husband of 13 years…I am not sure we will ever get divorced. Mostly because I don’t have any money and I need to be covered by his health insurance. I will repeat myself to say that I am NOT writing you interested in any kind of prison romance thing. That is the LAST thing in I or you or anyone needs right now.

Bottom line is that I am what you’d call a “severely depressed” person. I can not deal with day to day life or pressures and I feel so much guilt about where my life has gone, what I have done with it, what‘s happening to my kids, etc. I struggle so much financially and emotionally, I can never make my bills, appointments or commitments. I get fired a lot. At times wonder if life is worth living.

But then I read your letter.

And just like me, you f*c*ed up before, bad enough so you are in the pokey (teasing you to lighten things up) a long, long time. But I saw the value in you and understood that even though you did mess up, you still deserved to be heard. And I don’t even know you and I wouldn’t want you to hurt….especially not cuz you messed up. Because we all mess up - whether it gets us in prison or not. We all hurt people we love, but maybe we have another shot at it. Just not today. So you made me realize, I guess, that I had hope. Even though my money problems and depression problems won’t be cleared up TODAY … I still gotta keep on living in my own personal cell (rhymes with hell). I feel so trapped and unable to help myself. It’s hard to describe. And I know it must be hard to sympathize with someone out here who thinks they have no freedom….even infuriating. But money enslaves you, especially the lack there-of. And my depression has me in chains 24/7.

When you read the following line, you will think I am being dramatic. I was going to kill myself today. Until I read your letter. I told you it sounded dramatic, but it’s true. After I read it, it dawned on me that the hope that I wanted you to have, I should have….because if I want it for you, a stranger in his own cell, don’t I deserve it myself too?

So maybe we can be pen-pals. I could vent to you some, if you don’t mind being a sounding board. Someone to hear about my day to day struggles. In return, I will try to give you as much info about your kids (though I live far away), and life outside as I can. Feel free to write me back to ask questions or complain or any of the other things I am sure I will do. If you don’t want to write back, I understand….but I want you to know you touched my life from all the way over there.

In friendship,


D*

Hello i dont often post, but you did say comment as we wanted,
i thought by you saying, he couldnt be much of a father figure while he was inside,
was a little like kicking a man while he is down, he could even turn out to be a better father while inside, on the outside some people take people for granted, you could live with someone for years, but not really KNOW them,
i was married 14 years, my husband never really knew ME, he never really took time out with the kids,
but my now hubby who is inside, yeah im one of those women, he knows who i am, understands how things make me feel, we are able to have a deeper relationship through the pen, he helps the kids with advice, homework, projects,he has just started making up stories and putting them on tape for our grandson, he is being the best father/ grandfather that he possibly can be, no he cant take them to the park or tuck them in at night, but he is there 100% for them, a lot of fathers on the out side cant even say that,

so i personally think you could of been a little less judgementle in your first letter to him, in for a penny in for a pound i also think writing a prisoner isnt really the way to get over/around depression just cos you cant afford counseling,

I will probably get the Witch award for this but you did say comment as you wish...
I would run the other way and duck for cover if I got a letter like this. You should've just came at the man with a sledge hammer when insulting his abilities to be a good father. Also why the need to unload 90 pounds of personal baggage on the man in your first letter? There really is such a thing as too much information, especially for an introduction. There are non-profit social service agencies out there that can hook you up with counseling. I'm not saying don't write inmates but don't write them in attempts to deal with your depression. You are fleeing one bad situation and in effects just creating another. Also I would not post the letters that you send to or receive from pen pals on here, many of them would be very upset if they knew their writings were displayed to the public.
Good Luck with everything, you seem like a very sweet woman and I hope you get the help that you need to battle your depression

First of all welcome on WAP! I agree with both comments you already recieved.
And what milkgirl said i dont want to tell so much information as an introduction.Writeing is a good thing to express yourself, and sometimes it's even easier to write about your feelings then speak them out. But i dont think that must be your drive to start writeing, and handle with your depression. Im truly sorry you feel so depressed. Did you already try to find some help?

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~Live with no excuses, and love with no regrets~

I wasn't sure whether to reply to this one or not. I just can't understand why you copied the entire letter? You never wrote the reason why, and I can't understand unless it was purely for the comments- in which case I doubt many will be very positive.

You wrote the letter because you weren't writing to be "charitable" but you were writing because it was cheaper than therapy for you? Is that better? I'm not sure that'd make me feel too good!
I am mystified. But I think the letter may just be completely confused all over.

Everyone struggles with first letters, but I usually thought a good rule of thumb was the simpler the better. Keep it light hearted and on simple topics. Mine was always less than a page- double spaced! Age, a bit about where I'm from, simple interests. As for personal issues, as much as you want to strike up a fast connection that way, it is usually better for it to be very gradual in order for the friendship to develop in the most natural way.

I know you seem to know a friend of his, but he will still see you as a stranger as far as I understand?.. and I'm always very careful about talking with people about their children because their relationships with them are often quite sensitive and there is no way I feel able to comment much on something I can't understand. I just try and offer support where I can.

Good luck with everything, I hope you do manage to find some help with your depression, although perhaps from another source.

Milkgirl that is all too true . Especially the part about too much information . I am a ex con and did some serious time in TDC . I know what those guys and gals are capable of . I would never suggest a person write a prisoner, when they have mental health issues . itcan lewd toa very bad and dangerous situatiomn
Believe me thy will pick up on that and exploit it to the fullest extant they can in most instances . You have no idea ho they will show it too and find ways to exploit you . It was ok to say how you found out about him but the rest goes to far and also offering info about his children can be a bad thing . Prisoners are not mental health processionals and often suffer them selves from many MH troubles . i as MG suggest you find Mental health professional who can prescribe to help you there are non profits who will help you do have to do some foot work but they are there ..You can also get meds at low or no cost . A internet search will help try( PPA) or other charities . Also many psychiatrists will give you "samples " and have sliding scale for fees . Depending on what state you live in you might qualify for some sort of health care . check into it . Please do not reveal your life history to a con you have no idea how it can be abused . I saw it on a routine basis in prison .



AS MG said you ar feeling one bad situation for another
. Try to make some freeworld friends and connections . Then if you feel like it write this man

Please do not take this as a attack but i am very concerned about what you are doing and using a convict for a sounding board is not a good idea they have many of their own troubles . This is coming form a EX CON who was in a very harsh prison .

__________________
If the storm doesn't kill me
the government will

REM

Another addition to the band wagon - I agree with the others but also believe we are writing to brighten inmates outlooks and lives - why, if you are interested in writing for his benefit, would you decide to write to him so you call tell him all your problems in upcoming letters. I just don't think I would be looking forward to those.

My personal feeling is that the information on his children is inappropriate as well as your comments about his ex-wife, and how his children one day will want to get in touch with him. Too much opinion from someone he doesn't even know.

Welcome to WAP.

I think your looking for friendship and help in the wrong place. You need to concentrate on your depression for your kids sake, if not for yourself.

Wishing you better days and ways to make some postive steps.

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I agree with Peanut. Look, people inside have to deal many times with mixed emotions. Personally i think they love to hear the bright side of the outside life, and specially when you start writeing. When a friendship grows over the months and even years, i guess then you will have a better understanding and they can give a better advice in this situation. You both dont know eachother yet.

The same for when you meet friends outside in the free world. First you have a click, fun, but real personal stuff comes way more later, when you have trust in eachother.

I know online are many different kinds of forums. Maybe it's an idea to search for a forum for people who feel depressed? I'm sure you will find lots of understanding there. And i'm also sure they will give you advice how they deal with it.
It's just an suggestion. Im in a relationship with a man who is in prison, and i have found lots of understanding here on this forum.

__________________
~Live with no excuses, and love with no regrets~

I have to agree with the observations made here. Its just too dam much baggage to kick off a correspondence with. I understand you are having some emotional issues right now and that’s perfectly fine. However I just don’t think an inmate is where you need to be taking these problems. At best, it’s a little unnerving, at worst, it could be potentially dangerous.

It sounds as though you have already sent the letter and maybe you will still hear a response. There is no point in second guessing it now. Another option might be just to write a more traditional opening letter and reach out to another prisoner if this guy doesn’t reply. Worst case scenario you have two pals. Best of luck to you and I hope you seek out some counseling and or medical assistance if that is an option that is recommended for you.

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"Thats it then, they will go on double, secret, probation..."