Everyone has given such great advice. We'll see what happens. I wasn't planning on sending anything in the first place. Conversation and friendship are free but my time isn't, I write because I would like to help someone's time go by a little easier, with frienship. These things do not require any strings attached. I will keep you all posted and you all do the same.

Can anyone answer this question for me? What made you pick the penpal that you picked to write to? Was it his/her crime, looks, amount of time they have left or to do, things they said in their ad etc? Everyone picked their PP for a reason....what was that reason and have things changed since then?

eyecandy

We had some interests in common. His ad (now expired) just sounded very down to earth and straight forward to me. Like he was shooting from the hip so to speak. I had a feeling our personalities might mesh at least in that sense. Luckily i was correct in that assumption. We are still writing now and its been two years or so. No romance. Just good friends and such.

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"Thats it then, they will go on double, secret, probation..."

I agree with many here, like ASE gives good advice on the base's of what not to do and what to think about in regards to a relationship past friendship of pp writing.

I agree also with Penny, her ralationship with her bf, has been a positive, they appear that none of the traps that can happen are going on or red lights.

I know as far as my personal experience, FromDusk in her abstract thoughts, has hit it right on the head !!

When Jon came out into the free world, after writing one another, for two yrs. On meeting, we did have to get to know each other all over again. The base was the same from letters, yet" in person we had to learn a much broader view of who we are now, as a couple together.
We believe for us the base was built, thru honesty and reality in letters. He never asked for anything from me at all.


Jon got a airplane ticket, not just because cheaper, for round trip flight to TX, to visit for two weeks which we both thought that we would keep it at", lets meet up and see of our feelings are real, past just friends and what we think we both feel. Exaclty as FromDusk stated ironically !!!

After the two weeks, we knew it was real and not out of any "need."
We both talked about the hurdles we knew would be ahead of us, individually and as a couple. The round trip ticket was never used. Still have some hurdles not through, does anyone ever really?

If my parents were alive, I would have been more then proud to introduce Jon to them, as I did with my friends and family left. And no one else in my family or friends had a criminal record.

Yes, along with all that, Jon also had to relearn himself. It came slowly bits at a time.
He even outwardly looks and acts like a different man.
LOL, when he got out, he looked pale from lack of sun, he has better meals now, his body by working doing constructive things has it muscle tone back.

When he got out he struggled to not stand out by not having the skills we take as nothing, like shopping again and eating out, in a real place, not prison mentally style. lol I told him those rough edges will work out,

I will admit, this was not planned on writing, truth be it after the loss of my hubby in 2000 from a heart problem, who I did love, great marriage of yrs, I did not want any man !!!
This marriage for me was unconventional.

We got married and still are, and still love one another dearly. In July of this year, it will be Three Years !!! Man time flys hard to believe.

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BEAUTIFUL!!!! I love these type of endings!!!! I am happy for your new found friendship Asha and Penut2....you go girl!!!! I have read prior posts and just love the ones with great endings.

This may seem mean to some of you all but my son's father has been locked up for 17 yrs (drug & conspiricy charge). In he begining, I would bring my son to see him (although we were not together when he got locked up) But honestly, I haven't written him or visited him in atleast 10yrs. I feel that my son can keep in contact if he chooses. Maybe I am bitter.

Before he was incarcerated, he was cheating on me, I had a fight with the other female and it ended on that note..... I found out I was pregnant (I was only 17 rs old at the time and he was about 25-26) He came to see his son when he was 1st born and then got locked up the next day and has been there ever since. So, I feel like because he has made alot of money and had the women, cars etc. That didn't contribute to the 16yrs I provided for his son and thru all the struggling and hardships etc why should I keep in touch and help his time go by when no one was here to help me with my time? I have done a great job with raising our son by myself. Honor Roll student and an overall great kid....but I know he hurts because he dosn't have his father.

The funny thing is....I looked thru all the imates profiles (even google them up to see what info I could find out on their crime) before I wrote. I didn't want to judge anyone because we all make mistakes but I definitely didn't want to write a sex offender or serial killer because I do have children (only 2). In case they were to ever be paroled etc. Every crime is bad but, I am sure you can begin to love you pp even if it is just a friendship.

I guess I am venting after 16 yrs because I get on this site, I find myself attracted to this inmate, he's seems very real but, in reality if I felt like writing someone I guess I could've started in my own back yard. (Ya know)

Am I wrong for this?

Hmm, to be honest at the beginning it was almost a kind of curiosity to decide to write four letters (2 answers). One ad has touched me in a special way because it gave me the impression that it could be very honest, what she wrote. The words were too simple to be lied. I don´t regret to write her and it seems that we become trustfull friends. I´m mature enough to see that it will take some time until she will come free. But is it the only one measure to decide whether feelings would be true or played ? I don´t think so. And yes, i think it´s possible to fall in love but i´m always aware that the real checkup would come not before her release.

I picked Aaron, firstable because he was on the "needs mail" , and I was looking for somebody as lonely as me, second because he was going to spend 20 years in,and I wasn't looking for a relationship . His ad was amazing, very atractive pictures. His formal education was very helpful to make a decision.
It was about halloween 2006, my introduction was a halloween card that he loved a lot by the way.
I didn't run a background check, and now, I'm glad, I think crime is a crime, yes, but every case has to be treated individually, after all, we dont know the circumstances for that crime, regardless what type of crime was.

Eyecandy, I understand your resentment with your former boyfriend. I can clearly see why you would feel abandoned in that situation and that you were forced to raise your son alone. I’m sure this feeling is not uncommon amongst many who are/were in relationships with those that ended up in prison for long stretches. Unfortunately, the system is designed not only to punish the offender but everyone who is emotionally tied to that offender in some capacity as well.

However there are a couple causes for concern that I have when I read your post. Anger and resentment are hard emotions to live with for any length of time, let alone years. I can’t help but wonder about the reasons that you are seeking out a prisoner for love and affection exactly? Perhaps there NEEDS to be some kind of closure between you and your ex? The other issue that I realize is important is the fact that regardless of how you feel about this man now, he was at one point your boyfriend and good enough to have a relationship with and the end result of that was your son. I understand you allow your son free reign to visit and write letters to his father but I cant help but wonder if your son may be picking up on some of these feelings about his dad? You have to remember that apart from you and the injury he inflicted and the sadness he caused in your life, that’s still the father of your son. Half his DNA etc....so the relationship is quite different for him. As you know, kids are VERY perceptive and they pick up not only on what we say to them obviously, but the unspoken words and emotions we try to bury inside.

So, I’m probably way off on this. If so, forget it and good luck with this new pen pal and whatever becomes of that. I just think a visit or even a letter with your son's father might be worthwhile and THEN you can totally move on and that will be the end of it. And like you say, if the boy wants to remain in contact with him, great, he can do so totally apart from you. You on the other hand can officially move on without all this gunk inside ya know?

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"Thats it then, they will go on double, secret, probation..."

Sometimes honey it is not about US, what we feel, what we have gone through and will continue to go through as single parents. It is about the one's we love the most.....our child/ren I don't believe in right or wrong as some might define the words, i believe in choices. I think being a single parent and trying to make hard decisions that effect the family based on emotions is not always going to come out with positive endings.
Sometimes we need to....for want of better words.....get over ourselves, to be able to see a full picture clearly and dig deep and decide what is best for ALL concerned. It is hard, but you can find strength with time and the rewards are greater.

I see through the eyes of those dads i write also. I hear their stories and sorry tales, wishing they could go back and change relationships, making better choices, where they failed to see once upon a time. So is their no room for forgiveness? Who do we really hurt when we hold onto our pain?

I have one that completed the long distance dads course in prison, completed his GED, teaches others, completed so many courses, many self improvement. Been involved with making videos for his community and youth. I have all his certificates sitting in my filing cabinet. I know this to be the truth, even met one of his voluntary teachers from the outside. He is not the same boy, who thought he was a man years ago. Everything i know shows me this. The thing that i feel a sadness about, is that his ex partner doesn't even know who he is. She only remembers their shared youth, which impairs her vision on the person he is today. What positive influences he may bring to the table, so she has kept their daughters away. They are in their late teen years now, i have spoken to one, she is waiting until she is old enough to visit on her own. This has caused a rift between her mother and herself. I feel i can see both sides because of my own personal life experiences. Remember the old saying "don't cut off your nose to spite your face?"

You should not feel badly/guilty because you reached out to someone other than your ex behind bars, and you now find yourself attracted to him. Maybe through this whole process with this other man you will experience some heartfelt lessons and will be able to reach out to your ex in a sincere way? Life is far too short for pain when you can have harmony, all you need do is pick up your pen and reach out to the man you once loved, but i am not sharing anything with you that you probably don't already know deep down.

Hope your sons will have the ability one day to look back and know they are who they are because you gave them the best start in life you knew how. Sounds like you all have much to be thankful for. Wish you well on your journey.

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The last of all freedoms is the ability to choose one's attitude in a given set of circumstances.
G. W. Allport.

EYeCaNdy, lots of positives did come out of this, from what I read here.

Your son is an HonorRoll Student, and a great kid all around !!! You have him and his love and vice versa. You allow your son if "he choose's to communicate with his birth Dad. Your allowing him to make choices and form his own opinions on the stiuation, which is admirable and shows you love your son to put your feelings aside.

I feel two fold pain and some" bitterness for not just your situation, but feel deeply for the pain and confusion your son must have, He in time will reconcile in his own right to his feelings and attitute toward his Dad, you have been loving enough to allow this.

Your part was problems going on between you both, and he" also the criminal side, that got him incarcerated. You should not feel guilty of not seeing him yourself for years, why keep opening old wounds. Unless there is some feelings when get past the legit reasons you have? Cheating is a tough one.

People that do drugs are not themselves, is he any different last time you did talk with him or feel remorse of what he lost, not only you but the son?

As far as finding a pp to write inside, only you know the why's, does not make it wrong though.

I believe you asked why do we pick the pps we do, in my case I picked lifers, thinking they are the one's forgotten by family and friends over time.

The only non lifer I wrote, had a obviously very open ad, not a carbon copy stating the same thing many do and copy off of others, also it hit familar notes of my past and where I grew up.
It was not about looks or no sex come on, or how much he was a cool dude. lol Just real and the real fit the ad and the look.

You deserve to take great pride in yourself and your son, how lucky to have him and he you !!!! Great job under hard circumstances. Both strong together.

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I want to thank you all for your input!!! I didn't want to seem like a hipocrite. Feelings have been long gone for son's father when I was pregnant. After the way he did me when he was in the world.... yes there was some anger. I am no longer angry in the sense that I can't bring my son to visit with him etc. I have brought him on several occasions but that's it. I just don't feel like I should have to help him get through his time.

Now, writing a lifer or a death row inmate I am definitely looking through profiles for. I want to help someone (in the sense of friendship) and let them know that yes, they are human and have made mistakes (not all have made mistakes that I have been reading about, seems like the "justice system" has been so unfair and turned the other cheek)

I think I am still attracted to the badboy image a little bit but wouldn't dare result back to that type of lifestyle with a man. But it is nice to think about.

Peanut2, you have given me a blueprint of how to pick my pp. I am on the prowl now. lol

And Smiley, never really thought of him being different. I guess because it can't be proved to me because he is not on the outside. He was always kind and caring but it was the lying and other women. That can't be proved inside. My feelings are long gone. I was sooooo young and nieve. But he wasn't. I guess I also feel like I invested 200% like all parents should in my children, that I never was able to take care of me and my needs. I never brought any men that I dated around them (maybe when they were younger) but I had to be very careful about who I brought around. And just invested time and energy in my kids so thay wouldn't be a product of their enviornment. My son will be 18 next year and it would be nice knowing....I did what I had to do to raise him a responsible young man in today's society.

And Asha.....always great advice spoken like a woman with wisdom as you all do!!!

Okay, okay, okay.... my last question on a totally different note. Has anyone's pp (if not stated bi-sexual or gay) told you that they have had sex with other men or correction officer's during their incarceration? It just seems like most men try to act hard like they straight up did their time and never were raped or had intercorse with another man, when in actualality, maybe they did...but we would never know unless we knew someone that knows them on the inside. I was told in some prisons they can have pets (i.e. cat, dog, fish) but I was also told that beastiality takes place but you would never know unless they are brutally honest with you. Has anyone ever had a pp that was just honest about these things?