Dimensions of support for those in prison

It’s interesting the growing volume of email that I get, and the things I chat with people about when it comes to supporting loved ones in prison. With people taking me up on my free prison encouragement certificates, and those reading my prison blogs, I am continually getting different views on how many of you want to help a loved one in prison.

And let me say this, sometimes the term “loved one” does not mean “love” to the extreme. This obviously applies to moms with sons in prison as well as girlfriend, wives, husbands, boyfriends, ect. But you can just as easily use that term on a lighter note, such as pen pals or a person writing from a prison ministry.

I mean, on the whole scope of things, they are “loved” right?

But I wanted to try to share some different dimensions with you guys, to maybe help identify some ways you can support him outside of the “I love you” correspondences.

Now again, there is nothing wrong with that, and many of you know I have created prison cards and certificates (and even a few poems) for some of my readers who got my “Grades of Honor” books. Certainly love is the more dominant emotion when it comes to those in prison. But today I want to address a few other angles, and some things you can do to support a loved one in prison.

With the right idea, and some creativity, you can get that special person in prison to truly appreciate your help, and give him some positive reasons to be encouraged. I cannot say enough how powerful this is in the rehabilitative process.

Now, with your permission, I am going to skip over the “love” dimension. Certainly we know that many people have someone in prison that they really love, but most of you write letters or send cards anyway. I made some certificates of love and postcards as well, but we want to focus on other emotional venues.

I took a moment to write down some subject matters, and I will go over each in a little bit of detail. Again, the idea here is to find new, refreshing and positive means to help that person in prison. We’ll look at two sides of this: the first is the specific genres to encourage, and second, the means to do it.

First, let’s look at my list of subjects of encouragement:

Holidays

Birthdays

Encouragement

Friendship

Appreciation

Informational/Educational

Fun Trivia

Religious

Sports

Each one of these subjects can open a world of possibilities when you write to your loved one, so let’s go over these with some details:

Holidays: This is one of the most obvious, but something that also takes a bit of caution. When we say “holidays” we mean for the most part, Thanksgiving, Easter and Christmas. But who says it has to be just those holidays? If you have a loved one in prison, he or she misses ALL holidays. But sometimes a Christmas card to a guy in prison reminds him of what he is missing. At least it did to me.

But I think the thought of getting something from a loved one during a time where family and friends are supposed to be together shows that the inmate isn’t wholly missed. Anyone can go out and buy a card, but have you ever thought about making your own? Last year I made a series of Christmas prison cards that didn’t last long because I didn’t make enough. A holiday card with a special touch, instead of a generic one, really helps a person who misses these special days.

Birthdays: You know, when I think of birthdays, I think of two things: cake and MONEY. (that’s just me folks). But in prison the former ain’t gonna happen. Often times the latter won’t either. But that does not mean you can’t get a little creative for an inmate’s birthday. The obvious is a card, but a birthday award, like a certificate, can really stand out. It lets the inmate know that you not only remembered, but you HONORED that birthday. It gives that person a bit of value, even in his down times.

A few months ago a wife in Syracuse asked me about something for her husband for his birthday. I sat down and designed a “Darling Birthday Award” for her, and she sent it to him. After a slight problem with prison rules, he was able to receive it, and she told me he cried on the phone because he loved it. So there are possibilities with it.

Encouragement: Sometimes you want to keep a loved one’s head up, to keep them positive. Heaven knows prison has very few things to be positive about. Sometimes just the idea of being encouraged is very helpful. I have made many encouragement certificates that many of my blog readers have, and it does not have to change the world. All it has to do is inspire for a moment.

Sometimes that is all you need to change that negative frame of mind to a better frame of mind. In some prisons guys are allowed to tape things inside their locker, an encouraging certificate or card can remind him every time he opens that locker door that someone cares about him.

You see, it does not always have to be about “I love you” but trust me, that encouragement to a person in prison can mean volumes of compassion. He or she knows that you are thinking about them, and that you want him to keep looking up, regardless of what he’s going through right now.

Friendship: This is something that many pen pals might know a lot about. You want to establish a relationship with an inmate, but you don’t want him to think of it as a romantic one. So obviously you don’t want to send him a “I love you” message when all you want is to be friends with him or her.

This also goes for many other folks. For example, a classmate might have heard that someone they knew is in prison, and wanted to write to them to see how they are doing. In these situations the communication has to be light and not too deep emotionally. That does not mean you can’t talk about serious stuff, I mean, friends would do that, right?

One of my readers wanted something “friendly” to kinda break the ice with a friend he knew when they were in college. Since it was his first contact with her, it had to be very light, yet also very comforting. I say that because sometimes when you are in prison and get a card or letter from someone you know, it’s like, “oh hell, who ELSE knows I am in prison”?

That can hurt.

But done the right way, you can warmly step into that person’s life, and be a corner of comfort…every inmate needs a friend to lean on.

Now let me stop here for a second and quickly address something. Just as there are inmates who need and will appreciate your help and encouragement, there ARE those that will try to use you. That is for another blog (in fact I already wrote one on that).

Shall we continue?

Appreciation: I made several certificates of appreciation, and the idea behind that was to add value to the inmate. I say that lightly, because every human being has value. But often times guys do things in prison to try to start the road of rehabilitation, and often times it is not recognized by the prison. A guy can take GED classes and succeed, and the prison can be like, “so what”. Guys take vocational classes and prisons only acknowledge that they finished the course. Granted you do get symbolic paperwork, but that does not come from the prison, it comes from the school where the inmate took the courses. I took a computer course while at Pasquotank Correctional and passed, and I took HRD (Human Resource Development) courses and passed those as well. I have the certificates from the schools, but the prison itself didn’t do anything to ENCOURAGE good behavior.

An appreciation card, certificate or even postcard from someone on the outside would let the inmate know that YOU acknowledge the inmate’s attempt to do right, even when the prison failed to do so.

Informational/Educational: I think we as people often forget that sometimes there is fulfillment and rehabilitation in learning. Sometimes the best way to better yourself is to challenge yourself to learn. I am not talking about taking a physics class, I mean just learning a little something new today.

Sure, prisons have libraries (though some of the ones I have been in SUCK), there is something to be said about sending your loved one a card about the Taj Mahal, with a picture of it on the card. Or a card about the blue jay, with a nice art picture of the blue jay. Or a card about the top songs of a certain year.

It’s as simple as this: what does he or she like or have a passion about? If it is a subject that is reasonable, why not give him something to read or think about? If I like cars, I might love to get a card with a nice car up there and some information about a certain car model. An inmate that receives a card with information will see that you took the time to do something very special for them.

Now, keep in mind that it needs to be something he has a passion about, or is curious about. Don’t send him the steps of making cement if he isn’t interested in that, but I think you get the point.

Fun/Trivia: This can actually be a two-step process. I did this once or twice, and it seemed to be pretty interesting. One of my readers, I think it was right here in NC, wanted to do something to challenge her boyfriend, so we thought up some interesting puzzle to send to him in the first card, and let him think about for a week, until she sent him the answer in a card on the second mailing.

Let me give you an example: Let’s say you sent him this in the first card:

“Two men were arguing about sports; a local television producer debated that he has been in television for over 30 years and in all his time, he swears that in every major sport, if you want to win you must control the ball. He says that no matter the sport, it is the offense that always controls the ball. The other man looked at the local television producer and called him a liar. He said not all situations are like that. What situation was this man referring to”?

Let him think about that for awhile and send him the answer in your next card about a week later. This will give him something to think on, something to challenge his brain a bit and he may even ask other guys about it. I remember when I was in one prison and a guy used to get brain teasers, and he’d ask a couple of us about it. I gotta tell you, it can be an interesting thing when a few guys debate about what the answer could be.

Almost refreshing in an intellectual sort of way.

Oh, the answer to the puzzle?

“Baseball. Unlike most other sports, it is the DEFENSE that controls the ball”.

Religious: I think the two main issues people correspond about is love and religion. There are numerous prison ministries that send material to inmates. I was very fortunate to get some of that, in fact I purposely wrote to ministries when I was in prison so I could receive pamphlets, books, booklets and magazines from them. I was getting at least 6 of so different magazines a month, PLUS booklets and such. I had to give away a lot because I was getting overloaded.

But you can play a spiritual part in the inmate as well. Sometimes just a simple scripture in a card, letter or whatever can allow the both of you to focus on something spiritual. Lots of times rehabilitation begins when you and your loved one can get on the same page about something, anything. What better way than with scriptures?

I am working on a series I call, “Scriptures for Inmates” which is nothing more than taking a scripture and applying it to prison living, from a guy that was there. Even if you were never in prison, you can still do a little something to help him or her. And it does not have to be some big sermon, keep it light if you want. You don’t have to talk him to death, just let him or her know that you wanted to share a little something with him.

Sports: A lot of you may or may not be into sports, but lots of inmates are. Believe me, sports gave me a LOT of help when I was in prison, because it is a passion of mine, and it bought me lots of time to pass while in prison.

If you have a loved one in prison, this can be a great way to get on the same page about something. For example, let’s say I am in prison and I am a New Orleans Saints fan, (and oh by the way, I AM, since I was born there).

Someone on the outside, like a friend of mine, might send me a card with info about the Saints as the football season progresses. He or she might call it, “What’s happening with your Saints” or something like that. Even though I can get to a newspaper in prison (most of the time) or can watch tv like most other people, it would be cool to have a friend who takes the time to share a passion with me.

But that is the key, they have to share the same passion. I am not asking someone who is not into sports to dive right in. It has to be something you enjoy doing, remember, this is something that can help both of you establish a stronger relationship during his sentence.

Or, make it more general. Instead of a team, send a card about the top rushers in the pros, or the top teams in college. For a sports guy, this is almost like having a person from ESPN keep in touch with them…isn’t THAT special..

(oh, just to brag a bit, I actually worked for EPSN for one game…I was cable grip while at college for a game…got $50 for it!)

There are numerous ways to show support for a loved one in prison, it does not have to just be a letter or a card you settled for while at some shopping mall. Get creative with cards, certificates, flyers and refreshing ideas, the sky is the limit…literally.

And in doing that, you will open up new venues of communication for you and that person in prison. It’s worth a shot.