Should you confront the other pal PART 2
Posted 09-17-2008 at 06:12 PM by Skye
What would benefit all parties involved would be to contact him and see what he says, allow him to make that introduction between the two of you. This takes out the drama factor, and allows for a really good friendship to form between all involved.
Now when the dynamics change and Joe is telling you he loves you and cares about you, as well as telling the other woman this, what do you do? As stated in the article it can drive a wedge between them or bring them closer together if you confront her first.
The article continues to say:
“Before you decide to talk to her about the affair, Make sure you know the facts. A cheating spouse may eagerly attempt to cover up his guilt by blaming the pursuit on her, when in-fact he may have lied about his availability and marital situation. Yes, you do have a reason to be angry and annoyed, but you must keep your emotions in check and the situation in the proper perspective”
What I take from that is this. If you are writing someone and feel you have been ‘played’ or ‘cheated on’ Talk to him, know the facts from his side of things, and if you are able to in a calm and rational manor , talk to the other party. You never know what the variables are, and if you approach the situation in anything other than a rational manor, you quite possibly could turn the tables in the wrong direction.
The truth of the matter is that the majority of all inmates who have an ad up are more than likely writing more than one person. We are all human, and all have feelings and emotions and needs and wants. It is very easy to confuse infatuation with love or feelings greater than friendship.
Time and time again women and even men find someone who is writing their pal and all hell breaks loose before the inmate has a chance to tell his side. Often times his side is over looked for forgotten because he/she is an inmate and the gut reaction is to make him/her pay for what they have done.
Taking the wrong steps to this can backfire and make the free-world pal look like they are out for revenge or finding ways to make them pay for what has happened, and that makes the party doing such a thing seem really unstable and will only validate any claims of instability he/she could make about the party doing this to the other woman/man.
My advice is look for the red-flags and if they are there, pay attention and in a rational manor confront the pal. By acting out in an irrational manor one can only make it look like they are the ones with a problem.
What are the ‘red flags’ They are the same indicators you would have in any relationship in the free world that tell you something just isn’t right with a situation. The biggest ones are inmates who are clingy straight away and confessing their love early on in the friendship.
Think of it this way, you wouldn’t be ready to settle down and marry someone after a few drinks at a bar or a couple of dates to the movies, would you?
So many times one or more parties involved get infatuation confused with ‘love’ as this is a new experience for some, and a new friendship for both parties. It happens and there is nothing wrong with that. Just be the wiser and listen to your own intuition and follow logic as opposed to simply following your heart.
Keep in mind that we are writing individuals who are incarcerated and they are not in prison for being angels and saints. They are, for the most part, there for a reason.
Anyone can be whoever they want to be behind a piece of paper and an ink-pen, just as they can be anyone they want to be on the internet.
Having limited contact with someone, through pen and paper and an occasional phone call does not mean you really get to know the person. So don’t rush it. Take your time and figure it out. This will prevent you from falling too hard, too fast and getting hurt.
If you take your time, and the red-flags come up, and there is indeed another woman/man confront him about it before the other woman/man. The other woman/man may be in more shock than you and use whatever you tell her to your advantage to drive a wedge between you and the pal, or turn things around in his/her favor, leaving you in a bad spot for possibly over-reacting and so on. While the other party may appear to be on your side, it can and I have seen it backfire in terrible ways.
Don’t rush in jumping to conclusions. Yes, if it happens you have a right to be angry and hurt, but don’t let him/her see that.
Confront your pal in a calm manor. You will get more accomplished that way, and come out on top as opposed to looking like you are only out for blood.
After you have confronted your pal and you feel the need to, then confront the other party, and do so in the same calm manor. You will see that you will get more accomplished this way.
Now when the dynamics change and Joe is telling you he loves you and cares about you, as well as telling the other woman this, what do you do? As stated in the article it can drive a wedge between them or bring them closer together if you confront her first.
The article continues to say:
“Before you decide to talk to her about the affair, Make sure you know the facts. A cheating spouse may eagerly attempt to cover up his guilt by blaming the pursuit on her, when in-fact he may have lied about his availability and marital situation. Yes, you do have a reason to be angry and annoyed, but you must keep your emotions in check and the situation in the proper perspective”
What I take from that is this. If you are writing someone and feel you have been ‘played’ or ‘cheated on’ Talk to him, know the facts from his side of things, and if you are able to in a calm and rational manor , talk to the other party. You never know what the variables are, and if you approach the situation in anything other than a rational manor, you quite possibly could turn the tables in the wrong direction.
The truth of the matter is that the majority of all inmates who have an ad up are more than likely writing more than one person. We are all human, and all have feelings and emotions and needs and wants. It is very easy to confuse infatuation with love or feelings greater than friendship.
Time and time again women and even men find someone who is writing their pal and all hell breaks loose before the inmate has a chance to tell his side. Often times his side is over looked for forgotten because he/she is an inmate and the gut reaction is to make him/her pay for what they have done.
Taking the wrong steps to this can backfire and make the free-world pal look like they are out for revenge or finding ways to make them pay for what has happened, and that makes the party doing such a thing seem really unstable and will only validate any claims of instability he/she could make about the party doing this to the other woman/man.
My advice is look for the red-flags and if they are there, pay attention and in a rational manor confront the pal. By acting out in an irrational manor one can only make it look like they are the ones with a problem.
What are the ‘red flags’ They are the same indicators you would have in any relationship in the free world that tell you something just isn’t right with a situation. The biggest ones are inmates who are clingy straight away and confessing their love early on in the friendship.
Think of it this way, you wouldn’t be ready to settle down and marry someone after a few drinks at a bar or a couple of dates to the movies, would you?
So many times one or more parties involved get infatuation confused with ‘love’ as this is a new experience for some, and a new friendship for both parties. It happens and there is nothing wrong with that. Just be the wiser and listen to your own intuition and follow logic as opposed to simply following your heart.
Keep in mind that we are writing individuals who are incarcerated and they are not in prison for being angels and saints. They are, for the most part, there for a reason.
Anyone can be whoever they want to be behind a piece of paper and an ink-pen, just as they can be anyone they want to be on the internet.
Having limited contact with someone, through pen and paper and an occasional phone call does not mean you really get to know the person. So don’t rush it. Take your time and figure it out. This will prevent you from falling too hard, too fast and getting hurt.
If you take your time, and the red-flags come up, and there is indeed another woman/man confront him about it before the other woman/man. The other woman/man may be in more shock than you and use whatever you tell her to your advantage to drive a wedge between you and the pal, or turn things around in his/her favor, leaving you in a bad spot for possibly over-reacting and so on. While the other party may appear to be on your side, it can and I have seen it backfire in terrible ways.
Don’t rush in jumping to conclusions. Yes, if it happens you have a right to be angry and hurt, but don’t let him/her see that.
Confront your pal in a calm manor. You will get more accomplished that way, and come out on top as opposed to looking like you are only out for blood.
After you have confronted your pal and you feel the need to, then confront the other party, and do so in the same calm manor. You will see that you will get more accomplished this way.
Recent Blog Entries by Skye
- Should you confront the other pal? PART 1 (09-17-2008)
- Should you confront the other pal PART 2 (09-17-2008)
- Sadness (07-15-2008)
- Sharing an old Blog, "Why Do I write Inmates?" (06-30-2008)
- Sending Money (06-30-2008)
