gooddog

Sick family members create future worries in my mind. What if he’s really bad this time…what if it all goes down…what if she’s not strong enough to pull through then…?
My worry over the uncontrollable, and here insert sick family members, (it could be an imprisoned friend, a job, friend, relationship) - what will happen to me if this all goes wrong? I detect a theme here...me, me, me.
Worry creates anxiety, impatience. I can and have felt completely ruled by anxiety, impatience. And yet, life is lived in this moment only. The past is gone and yet we remember it… past problems and reactions causing fright. What if that happens again?
And the unknown, uncontrollable future? I only get there one moment at a time. It looks good on paper and yet the mind takes over, past fears, future worries, no present moment to be found! Is it more terrifying to be in my own anxiety storm of future worrisome scenarios (my mind is my own worst enemy) or to stand and face each moment as it is given?
Even though there is a storm coming in my life do I want to believe I will be swept away, that I can’t cope with the difficulties and changes… destruction! Where’s that leave me? Do I want to believe in a possibility more hopeful even though things are difficult? I do.
As I write this I’m sitting at the mouth of the Neskowin River and the Pacific, on a small delta where the river meets the sea. Right now it is a flat sand bar with rushing baby rapids on it. In 2 hours, time and tide will bring changes and who knows what will be there. I’ve seen 8 foot deep swimming holes in this place, dry sand, raging waves. All are possible and all are unknown until they actually arrive.
Who in my life will do what? Who will get sick? Who will go away and leave me? Who will not cope? How will my abandoned heart feel? How can I be there for them yet still survive inside, myself? I am burdened by these things until… I take a breath in the day that I am actually in, which is this day, take a breath, again and again, string the moments together, see the day as it really is.
I’m lucky because I get to sit here all afternoon and watch this spot change- I’m hoping for a swimming hole to form but maybe it will be crashing waves, too stormy too swim in. Either way I’m going to sit here and be with it.