The title of the message says it all really - I was the victim of a rape whilst in prison for a 3 month period about 7 years ago. It was for a petty fraud (stupid mistake) crime (and my only criminal offense up until and since).

The event took place after I had been moved from Christchurch main prison to Roleston Prison (generally considered a much lower-security prison, so therefore it's easier for inmates to get away with things!).

To set the record straight - the actual event of rape took place during a shower that I was trying to have in the unit late one afternoon. I am a generally smaller guy (around 5'7) and am not a confrontational person at all, I wanted to just sit back and do my time like anyone else, quietly reflecting on what had happened, and looking forward to the day that I got out.

I'd heard rumors about "dropping the soap" and "getting fisted in the showers", but I'd just laughed it off as casual prison banter amongst inmates.

Anyhow, this afternoon as I was finishing off in the shower block, I heard the main door swing shut and spun around, trying to over myself with a towel, when i saw a young skinhead standing there with his hand on his crotch.
He proceeded to verbally abuse me in a sexual manner, humiliating me to the extreme before the actual rape took place.

The rape in itself was very violent (and thankfully quite quick). It was anal, and oral in nature, and was over within a matter of minutes (probably about 10 minutes max).
The inmate left me bleeding and sore on the shower block floor, spat on me, and then strolled out casually as if he'd just done an everyday thing (perhaps he had??).

I cleaned myself up as best as I possibly could before dressing and going straight to the guard house to tell my story to them. I was in tears (as you could imagine, this is NOT the thing to do in prison, as you're seen a a 'wuss' and a weakling).
"I've just been sexually assaulted," I told the warden in charge at the time.
"By who?" he asked.
I gave the inmate's full name, and the guard nodded and said :

"We say nothing about those sort of things in here, it happens, and it's unfortunate...go get a mop and bucket and clean up the shower stall where it happened..."

I was shocked, stunned, traumatized, and completely in disbelief with what had come out of this sorry excuse for a 'guard's' mouth. How dare he just tell me to forget about that after everything that had just happened.

Now, fast forward 3 months - I am released from Jail, completely mortified still by my ordeal, but having flashbacks in relation to my own childhood sexual abuse at the hands of my father. This occurred almost nightly from the age of 5 until I turned 11. coupled with what had happened in jail, I was a mess. I still am.

I have written to the police complaints, the prisons aid, everywhere...even to the goddamn New Zealand Government, nobody has ever replied to me, no investigation was ever done, and I have never received any kind of compensation whatsoever.

I hate men now...I have sexual issues which cannot be resolved. I have quit counseling after 5 years because it was not helping with these problems, and I am emotionally a wreck.

Did I deserve to go to jail? Yes, I broke the law. Did I deserve what happened to me in there? No, nobody deserves that kind of treatment from a government facilitation.
Was prison the right choice for me based on my crime? No, of course not, but I do not care about that now. I care about the damage which has been done, and how I am disgusted in my own country for allowing it to happen and not doing anything about it.

Any comments would be much appreciated,

cheers,
Scott

Hi Scott,

You’re very brave to speak out about your assault. That is one of the most important things you can do – keep telling your story. Most men never talk about it, and it’s very common in prison. Have you ever heard of Just Detention International? I would strongly recommend that you contact them. They are the best people I know of to give you advice on coping with your attack. They have sent some of our members information on dealing with sexual assaults in prison. Here is their website: Just Detention International

Also, have you ever heard of a book called Fish by T.J. Parsell? I haven’t read it entirely, but it’s about a young man who survived sexual slavery in prison. Last I heard he was still affiliated with the organization mentioned above. Here is a link if you’re interested: Amazon.com: Fish: A Memoir of a Boy in a Man's Prison (9780786717934): T. J. Parsell: Books

Thank you for sharing your story. I’m sorry to hear that the system has failed you. Don’t stop screaming at them. It’s the only way to bring real change and awareness. I wish you the best of luck! I’m sure everyone here does.

Be well.

Adam,
I have been telling my story for years now, nobody actually WANTS to hear it over here. Being an author of fiction (I have been writing almost consistently for over 20 years now), I started to write my autobiography just after I came out of jail, but I ended up having a breakdown and never ever completed it (or even went back to it again).
I have a new partner now, she is a wonderful young woman, and someone who inspires me to great depths, I hope that she can help me to find my writer's voice and imagination again, and to perhaps recover some strength (if I ever did have any, that is).

I have never heard of Fish, and I doubt New Zealand would even let the book into the country, but I will check into it, thanks!

I am so sorry all this happened to you, its all so wrong, so very wrong. But what is most wrong, is the fact that you were treated with such ill regard by the guard, the prison and the system as a whole. I think what happened to you is a fear for all men with regards to going into prison. How any of the stuff that goes on in prison can ever be considered rehabilitation is beyond me.

Try not to let that guy or what he did destroy your life, he's so not worth it. Scum like that are not even worth thinking about. Try to rise above it, forget it and move on, its the only way. You're very brave and much more of a man than the poor excuse for a man that did that to you.

Hi Mortiis,
I'm really sorry to hear about this injustice. I found it really tragic that you hate your own gender, I've heard of women who hate men after being raped, but never a man who was so traumatized he began to hate his own gender. I sincerely hope that the healing that you crave is on it's way, even if you can't even conceive of it right now.

Very well said Crabby....

Sorry to hear that Mortiis, i dont even have the words to tell you how bad i think this is. Take care and hope you get over this soon.

Mortis....I think you've taken a very brave step in sharing your story & I hope it helps to open up. I am hoping what Adam shared will help you on your path to get over this traumatic time in your life. Good luck to you & there are plenty of people on here who are willing to listen if you need to talk, including me.....

OMG I feel for you....I know from getting a sense of you through your words that you are NOT looking for sympathy.....I have empathy and compassion and heartfelt sadness for you and what happened. Please do not hate any further than the perp and the guard....hate takes up so much energy that could be used on worthy deeds; volunteer for a rape crisis phone? I don't know if you are at the point where you could "give back" like that? I am just thinking that if you take that hatred, that rage and turned it into something else, perhaps you can get some kind of closure. Don't let those ba$tard$ win.....pull what strength you have from within and rise above. One step at a time, looking no further than today. Fate has an interesting way of coming around to visit such people as that guard and rapist, giving them exactly what they gave....misery. So very little is heard about when men are raped. I am glad you had the strength to post and share as it may just be helping to validate someone's feelings, past, etc. RIGHT NOW ...... Be well. Wish you the best in getting through this.

Peace, and... please realize that when you are brave enough to tell your story, people listen. Maybe not the "right" people that can affect change but at least, you are heard.

*gives big giant bear hugs* :/