Wow, lots of replies... great

Before he became free (yes he has been free for 2 years now) I used to think that people shouldn't look differently at these relationships. But the fact is that they are different, especially if they were in for a long time. The only reason I'm saying this is that prison does things to a person and not always in a good way. Some traits he aquired there I admire but the ones that he had to struggle with the most were directly because of prison. He has tried to describe the politics - the violence, the racial tension, how respect is a completely different concept in there, how putting on a fake face (adopting another personality even) is necessary in order to survive, the hustling etc. - to me and I can only TRY to understand but I will never completely GET it because I wasn't there. Just the sub-culture of prison compared to the outside world is a big enough reason to be more thorough and patient when it comes to getting to know them. And it's true - the prison him may be a completely different person from the outside him. And HE will also think YOU'RE a completely different person when he gets out. That's just the way it is.

This personality difference is something people really need to prepare for and expect. I remember our first fight after he got out. He was convinced that I had been pretending to be completely different from what I appeared to be in the letters/visit. And I accused him of the same thing. When we got past that we decided to take it in stride and "get to know each other again". The first reason why a prison relationship is different.

Shortly after that the second shock became a reality - the culture shock he experienced after the euphoria of being free wore off..... took about a month. It resembles the psychological term "culture shock" a lot but goes to more extremes. These are common feelings of the second stage of culture shock as described in psychology: sadness, loneliness, insomnia, vulnerability, anger, resentment, isolation, loss of identity, idealizing the old culture, inability to solve simple problems, lack of confidence, feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, developing stereotypes of the new culture, feeling overlooked and exploited. I dare say that he experienced most of these things for quite a few months up to a year. The extreme culture shock ex-prisoners face could also be called post-traumatic stress disorder or post-incarceration syndrome. And it shouldn't be underestimated or ignored. The second reason why outside relationships are different from prison relationships.

Periodically we have also bumped into cultural differences between us (because I'm from another country and English isn't my first language). Most people think that my country is very similar to America but it isn't. This is an additional problem MWI's from another country need to prepare for because the problems that go along with this can be so subtle but devastating at the same time. I once lived in the US for a year so I knew what was going on - I'm almost sure I wouldn't have pinpointed this problem if I had never lived there. So out-of-US people, read up on this as much as you can, that's my best advice. The third reason why outside relationships are different from prison relationship (but similar to some online relationships though).

Another thing is kids - and this partly the reason why WE decided not to live together right after he got out - how many people do you know who got a divorce not long after they had kids? I know MANY. And there's a reason for it - kids, the little angels that they are , are added PRESSURE. Add that kind of pressure, money problems and other responsibilities of running a big household, to the very real possibility of the prison culture shock described above and do the math. Outside relationships have a tendency not to last after kids come into the picture so there has to be an even bigger possibility of post-incarceration relationships not lasting. The fourth reason why outside relationships are different from prison relationships.

We decided that it would be best for our relationship that he proved to himself (and me in the process) that he could take care of himself financially and otherwise. This way he gained his outside self-confidence on his own terms. This takes tremendous amounts of trust, patience and persistence. Not just love. Love means nothing if there is no trust in a long distance relationship. In my opinion (and this is only my opinion), most of these guys are just not ready for a full-blown live-in relationship upon release. But the way around it is living apart for awhile although it's a hard thing to decide. People have sometimes been waiting for years, being together and continuing that when there's nothing in the way anymore is extremely hard. The fifth reason why outside relationships are different. I would also like to add that this is one of the biggest reasons why they don't last the first year after release - moving in together right away can very well kill a potentially great relationship.

So I guess my conclusion is that "success" in an MWI relationship depends mostly on what happens after prison which is why preparing should be the biggest part of prison relationships - not just the dreaming of a rosy-red future.

p.s. anti-relationship or not.... I don't want to think of this thread in those terms. I'd like to think of this as information gathering and weighing possible scenarios together. It seems like anti-relationship because preparing simply entails taking worst case scenarios into account. So stop being so sensitive people - no one is attacking anyone right?