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Inmate Blog Entry: Monday, June 20 2011

Inmate Blog Category: Philosophy


Steve Newman's Profile
Age: 43
Location: Orofino, ID
Total Blog Entries: 8
YOU’VE GOT NAIL

“Snip, snip, snip, click” then a long pause…I knew that he was thinking, “Oh, no, where did that last toenail clipping go”. A few seconds of contemplation then round two of the snipping commenced. I casually brushed my hand across the letter I was in the process of writing (to one of my pen pals) when I found the evidence…a small piece of toenail from my oblivious bunk mate. I flicked it underneath my bed and continued my letter writing adventure, one sentence at a time, cringing with wretched anticipation with each snip. Are some landing on my pillow? In my coffee cup? Should I speak up? And if so, how would one properly broach the topic of flying toenails? In the end I took a deep breath and swallowed my tongue. I reminded myself, as I frequently do, that I had much bigger problems to worry about (like my pregnant ex-wife, the Lakers being swept in the playoffs by Dallas or, most important, my pending appeal). In the grand scheme of things a toenail is just a toenail.
Inmate Blog Entry: Saturday, February 26 2011

Inmate Blog Category: Prison Story


Steve Newman's Profile
Age: 43
Location: Orofino, ID
Total Blog Entries: 8
WARM BODY IN MY BED

I’ve been sleeping alone for the past three years but awoke to quite a surprise the other night. There’s this old, grouchy guy who wears a diaper. He lives in the cell next to mine. Unbeknownst to me, the diaper guy has a sleepwalking affliction. At 3 a. m. I was sound asleep and the diaper guy walked into my cell, thinking it was his. An eyewitness told me the next day that he stared at my bed while sleepwalking, then dropped his pants and sat directly on my stomach. I immediately woke up, jumped up and said, “What the _?!”, to which diaper boy said, “Oh, sorry, sorry, I thought I was in my bed. I’ll go home”. Since then he’s been too embarrassed to look at me and I’ve had a bit of trouble sleeping, as in the back of my mind I fear being sat on again by a diaper wearing man. Perhaps sleeping alone isn’t so bad after all.
Inmate Blog Entry: Tuesday, November 23 2010

Inmate Blog Category: Philosophy


Steve Newman's Profile
Age: 43
Location: Orofino, ID
Total Blog Entries: 8
A HOLIDAY IN PRISON

It’s the night before Halloween and I’m feeling sad. This will be my third Halloween in prison. Holidays in here always seem to bum me out. I remember, as a little kid, trick or treating in the neighborhood with my dad; then, as an older kid, with friends. I was a clown, E. T. and Dracula repeatedly. For some reason, in the 1980’s, it was cool to be Dracula. In college the entire city of Chico parties downtown. They blocked all traffic and it became this huge block party of drunken college students in ridiculous costumes. I was Saddam Hussein in 1992, before he became so hated. The next year I was Beavis and Butthead. My girlfriend wanted to get those Sumo wrestler costumes with a battery powered fan. I spent $200.00 on them and she refused to wear them. She worried it made her look fat. When I grew up I enjoyed staying home with my wife, ordering Chinese food, passing out candy, decorating the house with ugly creatures and spider webs and playing haunted house CDs. Heck, I even miss the trips to Target to buy the candy. Tomorrow will be just like every other day, except that I’m going to buy tons of candy bars from the vending machine and eat them while watching Poltergeist, uncut and commercial free, on my 13 inch TV. I might even give away candy to some fellow inmates. I sure do miss the way things used to be.
Inmate Blog Entry: Wednesday, July 27 2011

Inmate Blog Category: Philosophy


Steve Newman's Profile
Age: 43
Location: Orofino, ID
Total Blog Entries: 8
DREAMS AND PICTURE FRAMES

It’s almost midnight on Tuesday, June 28th. I’ve been waking up much earlier than usual all month to follow Casey Anthony’s trial on TV. I’m extra sleepy tonight so don’t expect a literary masterpiece. My mind is racing and I wanted to share my thoughts with you. First I had a nice dream last night but because of that dream all I’ve been able to think about, all day long, are women from my past. Short term flings, one night stands, long term relationships…I believe I’m like many women in that every time I’m with someone, be it for one night or ten years, I feel a strong emotional bond toward them and have a hard time forgetting them. Right now I have two of my former flings in picture frames on my shelf. Both were very casual relationships and both took place while I was married. But I’m staring at their pictures, missing them terribly, imagining what life could have been like with each of them. I want to see them again, kiss them, lie down next to them (or is it lie down?), but sadly my love life is confined to my dreams. Speaking of dreams, I watched the finale of The Voice tonight. Wow…this Frampton girl is unbelievably talented and so beautiful. I really hope she wins. Sadly I’ve depleted my 250 word allowance but I have many more exciting stories to share; really good stories. Wanna hear them? Guess you’ll have to write me!
Inmate Blog Entry: Thursday, December 15 2011

Inmate Blog Category: Prison Story


Steve Newman's Profile
Age: 43
Location: Orofino, ID
Total Blog Entries: 8
EXECUTION DAY

It was a surreal day today, yet it felt routinely normal. This morning was the execution; the first in Idaho since 1987. To prevent us inmates from rioting in protest of the death penalty there was a statewide lockdown today. We were forced to stay on our bunk beds, except for brief bathroom breaks. Some offices insisted we weren’t allowed to brush our teeth. Others said we could brush, but only if we were directly in front of the sink and only between 8:30 am and 8:45 pm. We couldn’t shower – that was a given. Our ice and microwaves were taken away. Meals were delivered to our beds and the prison played several comedies for us on the internal movie channel (nothing lifts the somber mood of execution day like “Crazy, Stupid Love”). The nurse offered us all free flu shots too. Somehow the prospect of a (non-lethal) injection today didn’t appeal to me. it’s 11 pm and I just brushed my teeth. But let’s keep that between us, okay? Its business as usual tomorrow: Ice, microwaves, a shower, college football and an afternoon of poker with the usual cast of characters.
Inmate Blog Entry: Saturday, September 15 2012

Inmate Blog Category: Philosophy


Steve Newman's Profile
Age: 43
Location: Orofino, ID
Total Blog Entries: 8
FIFTY SHADES OF GREY

Hey everybody I just finished reading “Fifty Shades of Grey” and thought I'd check in and update you on the latest happenings. Last night, I got into an argument with a crazy person. Get this -- he said that the reason so many Americans are overweight is because more women are using the birth control pill and estrogen from the pill is being released from their urine, flushed down the toilet, and not filtered from our water stream. So we end up drinking estrogen, which turns our bodies to fat. Well, a smarter inmate might have put on his headphones and ignored this lunatic, but I felt compelled to argue. Luckily after 10 minutes, the Stanley Cup Finals began -- go Kings-- and I had an excuse to politely tell crazy man to get lost. I believe he ended the argument with, “If you don't believe me look it up in the Bible,” which, coincidently, is how he ends all his arguments. I've been watching tons of sports. The NBA Finals has been great, and provides a good excuse to snack. I also read a book called “Miles to Go,” which I enjoyed. Another execution is coming up next month, which means another lockdown. Ugh. Well, the Boston vs. Miami game is about to start. I've got my Kool-Aid and tortilla chips ready to be consumed. Bye for now.
Inmate Blog Entry: Wednesday, January 15 2014

Inmate Blog Category: Pen Pal


Steve Newman's Profile
Age: 43
Location: Orofino, ID
Total Blog Entries: 8
TOP TEN LIST

10 reasons pen pals are better than boyfriends 10) A prison pen pal really does want to hear about your day. 9) Overdue for a bikini wax? Your pen pal will never know. 8) Your pen pal won't hog the blankets at night. 7) When your pen pal snores, it will not wake you up. 6) You'll never have to justify buying an expensive pair of shoes. 5) Go ahead-- wear comfy undergarments...your pen pal won't know. 4) Your pen pal won't secretly read all the texts on your phone. 3) You'll never have to meet your pen pal's parents. 2) A pen pal will never neglect you. 1) A pen pal in prison can't give you an STD or get you pregnant.
Inmate Blog Entry: Thursday, November 19 2015

Inmate Blog Category: Prison Story


Steve Newman's Profile
Age: 43
Location: Orofino, ID
Total Blog Entries: 8
SHOWER TIME!!

Imagine, if you will, that you're getting ready to take a shower. Let's hope it's not 6 PM; you'll have tons of workers returning from the kitchen, smelling like dirty onions, rushing to the shower. And let's also hope it's not approaching 8 AM, 1 PM, or 7 PM, because those are count times. Showering during count time is not only a deadly sin, but also an express pass to the hole. OK, so the timing is right. Great! Now grab your soap, soap dish, razor, shampoo, clean clothes, and towel. Put on your shower shoes, and take the 50-step-journey to the communal bathroom. When you pass the toilet stalls, you'll be able to hear if anyone else is in the shower. It's a small open room, about 15 by 10, with six shower-heads. You approach, but before coming into view of the other shower-takers, you call out a warning: "Shower?!" You wait. They respond, "Yeah!" (I've never heard them respond "no", but I'm sure it happens.) Then, you undress, pick your favorite shower-head, and try not to look at the others. Hopefully they don't try striking up a conversation like someone did to me this morning -- it's awkward, trust me. Halfway through your shower, you hear someone else call out: "Shower?" Which of us says "Yeah."? Me or him? Nobody speaks. Again, we hear, "Shower!!" This time, we call out, in harmony, "Yeah."




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