I'm sorry to everyone in my life I have ever disappointed. I have the most wonderful family and the world. They are supportive of me, love me, and want me to come home. Being in this place I have learned to appreciate others. When I was out, I sadly admit that I took others in my life for granted. I said and did things that I regret. I wish I would've treated my family better. I was going through so much. My family's divorce, an abusive boyfriend, self-esteem issues, etc.… I've made mistakes in my life that I cannot undo. Had I made better decisions, my friend E. would still be alive. His death was an accident, but it’s the terrible choices that I made that caused it. My parents are suffering as well. They’ve spent all these years without me. My nieces and nephew are growing up without me. They were born while I've been incarcerated. I worry about my dad because of his health. I just want to be home while he is still alive. I've lost an aunt while there. My grandpa just recently passed away. I can't bear to lose any more family while in here. But I keep messing up in here. Yes, I have received write ups. You don't understand the environment I have to live in. The women in here are petty, immature, users, thieves, followers, spiteful, full of drama, and can't be trusted. It's hard to stay out of trouble, not fight, or get caught up in such an environment. I have to stay in my room to myself just to get away from phony people who only want to take advantage of my kindness. I stay in my room and read, watch TV, do hobby craft, and my college work but it is so lonely. I feel like no one in here cares what I'm going through. That's why my mail means so much to me. As long as someone is writing to me, then I feel cared about. I will write back anyone who writes me. But it hurts so much when someone writes and gives up on me. I look forward to becoming someone's friend and then my hopes get crushed when the person stops writing. I NEED MAIL!! My biggest fear is being forgotten about. I need letters, visits, and people I can call collect. I need people that can print things from the Internet for me, people that will do Bible studies with me, people that will let me vent to them, and will encourage me. Most of all I need friends that will never give up on me. I am tired of always crying and feeling lonely. I hate having to race to sign up for the phone, or when others don't get off the phone in time, therefore shortening my own 15 minutes of phone time. I hate that all my loved one’s can’t even afford collect calls. I'm tired of the room raids, pat downs, yard downs, strip searches, violations of privacy, and a total lack of control I have as an inmate always being told what to do. I hate this place. I miss my family so much. I go to the parole board in December 2014. I am so scared because I do not know what will happen. I hear that lifers almost never receive parole on the first hearing plus, I have write ups in my C-file. I do have positive things as well, for example, my college degrees. I'm scared if I don't get good news the others will drop out of my life. It takes a lot of patience to stick by a lifer because the future is uncertain. But I need people in my life that will have that patience to continue to be in my life no matter what the outcome of my hearings are. Please pray for me. Please don't ever give up on me. Help ease the loneliness and pain I feel each day. Write me!
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