People are strange. Life is fickle. Doors to alternate paths open and close daily. Where do we go? Where do we live? Who do we share dreams with – love? Who can we trust? And so many mistakes do we make along the way. We become afflicted by them, marred down in the muddiness of things we cannot change, never-ever forgetting that we opened the wrong door.
I sit here now with a score of such memories, scarred and somewhat broken, yet seeking the answer s and pathways to a better life. Needing so much, getting nowhere, but still I try. I have lost so much of whom I was in these prison travels, but learned so much more of whom I want to be.
Experience is knowledge. Money, although necessary, is destructive. Love is sacrifice – something I’ve only dreamt of. Friendship is a universal necessity. A magic responsible for my unfurling these innermost thoughts to you. Its counterpart, loneliness, is all-consuming. Having been shadowed by it for so long now, I take this step with trepidation, but also, with a passionate leap into the unknown, on the off-chance that I will find a real friend.
Prison is a beast. It murders dreams, breaks wills and spirits, extends an offering of no hope or compassion to those of us who’d appreciate it, utilize it. Prison is designed for human warehousing, not rehabilitation. I came in a young man, still in my teens, born and raised in Chicago, a product of The Streets. But I found myself in reading good books, studying, self-observation, exercise, and an undying craving for a better life. Of course I evolved. My interests shifted dramatically. I look at who I was a decade ago and I shake my head. And chuckle.
“The only thing certain is nothing is certain.” – Michael de Montaigne. This about sums it up. The epitome of Life, eh? Just when you find your niche, you figure out there is no permanence, everything ends or changes. All we can do is live for progress, love, happiness and accept it, the essence of being.
I must tell you it’s been a lonely ride down a serpentine road. Which is why I sit here on my stool attempting to pen this profile. Please view this glimpse of me and my raw feelings staring back at you on your computer screen knowing I’d rather be expressing these things to you perhaps sitting nearby, an ice-coffee in my hand, smiling like I always do. Hence, my nickname, Smiley. Plus I have big dimples, but yeah, I’m always all smiles. Even in here.
Hmm… this isn’t a very good window into my heart, my soul – but it’s a glimpse. Additionally, it’s a door to a new friendship between two people yearning for more. I leave you here with the door ajar, hoping you take the same leap I did.
In suspense (mid-air…smiling)